Family Secrets

His world was a dark narrow view of rain-streaked streets, flashes of light in passing windows giving glimpses into the lives of strangers. He rode the bus all night, an ache behind his eyes. Hunched down in his green canvas overcoat he tried to sleep but he kept replaying the moment. If he hadn't been snooping around in the attic he would never have found the bundle of letters that could solve the mystery. He was excited to tell Lucie but first, he needed to see if his mother was still with the jerk who took her away.

The letterhead was the clue, when he saw it he flashed that it was from the company organizing a concert in town. He found the manager and after a bit of persuasion Ryder got the address of their office in Vancouver.

That's when he decided to follow his mother's trail.

There was a loud blast of horns from a car next to them as the bus moved to exit the freeway. A flatbed truck loaded with lumber crossed in front of them, cutting them off. The truck's load broke loose and slid onto the highway. The bus driver swung the wheel hard, missing the lumber but the bus plowed into the guard rail and flipped on its side, sliding to a crunching grinding halt.

Ryder was thrown against the window with a crack, smashing his head.

Everything went black.

#

Head held high, wearing her favorite blue dress and black boots, she carefully walked down the narrow wooden stairs with a suitcase in each hand.

He stood by the front door leaning slightly toward her, still needing her, yet knowing it was futile to hope. A picture of despair, he begged," please don't do this to our family. The children need you. We can work it out, whatever it is."

She smiled sadly and said," It's the only way, a clean break. I've never been any good at being a mother. You know I only had kids because you wanted them, so you keep them. They're both in school now, you'll be ok." She placed her keys on the sideboard and walked out of their lives.

#

"Hey Lucie, how's it going? " Mr. Taylor waved at the chair next to him; "come sit with me for a minute." He folded the papers that he had been marking and pushed them into an old leather pouch. Straightening his faded cardigan, he took off his wire-framed glasses and placed them on the well-worn table between them.

"Thanks," Lucie replied, perching carefully on the edge of her seat. She took out her phone and thumbed the screen with a worried look. Most of the students were back in class. There was a loud burst of laughter from the ones playing cards at the far end of the brightly lit room.

"What's going on Lucie? " Mr. Taylor asked, leaning forward in his chair. "Still haven't heard anything?" Producing a kleenex from his jeans pocket, he wiped at his glasses, smearing the dirt around. Replacing them on his face, he squinted at his watch.

"No, and it's freaking me out. I just know he's in trouble." Lucie's face crumpled with a glint of tears. Mr. Taylor offered her the kleenex. She wiped her eyes and sniffed loudly. "I'm the one who usually keeps track of him. He tried to ask me something the other day and I was too busy. Now he's missing and it's my fault cause I didn't listen."

Mr. Taylor reached over and patted her arm softly. "They'll find him," he said gently. "I know you're worried, it'll be ok." Reaching into the leather pouch he pulled out a package of butterscotch candy. "Want one?" he offered.

"No thanks," she made a face, "too much sugar." Lucie pulled a metal water bottle out of her purse and took a drink.

Mr. Taylor took the chance to look at her more closely. Her black eyeliner was smeared and there were dark circles under her eyes. Usually, Lucie was carefully made up and she stood out in a crowd, often skirting the dress code. Today, she had on plain black pants and a hoodie, the hood covering her short spiky red and black hair.

He popped a butterscotch candy into his mouth. "Do you think Ryder went to see a friend or something? Maybe.... did he go into the city?"

"I doubt it, but I've been asking around. The last time I saw him was yesterday morning. They say he skipped classes that day, he does that sometimes, but they don't make a fuss cause his marks are so good." She checked her phone again. "I wish I knew more of Ryder's friends," she said. "It's not like him to go wandering off." She settled back in her chair and glanced around the room.

"Oh, here I almost forgot." Mr. Taylor rummaged in his bag and brought out a couple of tickets. "The extra concert tickets," said Mr. Taylor. "I can't use them but I'm glad you said you could." She took the tickets and glanced at them.

"Thanks, Mr. Taylor, it's really nice of you. I still want to go but I'm not sure if I can now." She looked at the tickets more closely. "Hey, this is interesting, this logo looks familiar. I saw one like it in Ryder's room. He's not into that kind of music; I wonder why he had it."

"I don't know," replied Mr. Taylor. "Ryder is pretty artistic, maybe he liked the design. Drawing is one of his best classes, isn't it?" He glanced down at his watch. "I have to go soon, I have a late meeting."

"Yeah ok,' Lucie replied, "Maybe Justin knows: they hang out sometimes. I'm going to go ask him." Lucie stood up. "See you tomorrow."

"Sure," replied Mr. Taylor. "Take care. If there is anything I can do, just ask me." He watched her walk out of the room. As she left, she glanced at her reflection in the window and caught him looking. She smiled uncertainly.

#

Outside the school, Lucie found her bike. Strapping her purse into the basket, she swung her leg over the yellow frame. She pedaled out of the parking lot and thought about where to find Justin. At the train station, she slowed and peered between rusted rail cars on a siding. Lifting her bike over the rail she walked down the tracks. Sure enough, there was Justin sitting in the sunshine on the edge of a flatbed, swinging his battered work boots to the tune on his ancient Walkman.

Justin saw her and lifted a hand in greeting. "Hey Lucie what's up with you?" he asked. He ran his hand through his long straggly hair, pushing it out of his dark eyes. "Any news?"

"None," she sighed. "I'm really worried now." She pulled out the tickets. "I was wondering if you'd ever seen this logo before."

"Sweet, where did you get these, they are completely sold out," he hopped down from the flatbed and reached out for the tickets. "These guys are the best."

"Really?" Lucie's eyebrows rose in disbelief. "I didn't think they'd be your kind of band. They're more folk than grunge."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't matter cause I couldn't afford to go anyhow."

"Did Ryder like them too? I found the logo in his room and wondered why he had it," she said, putting the tickets in her purse.

"Well, it's not the band, it's the event organizer," replied Justin. "They're from Vancouver and put on concerts all over."

"Oh," Lucie said quietly, "That's even weirder."

"Maybe he was looking for work, there was a posting on the job board at school."

Her phone buzzed. "I have to go home, my dad is texting me. " Lucie turned and lifted her bike onto her shoulder. She started walking back over the rails and turned back to look at Justin. "Keep in touch," she said.

"Ok," Justin answered, "See you around."

#

One day she had gone to school and her mother was there. When she came home she was gone. No one explained and when she asked her dad, he changed the subject so she eventually stopped asking. Sometimes she imagined coming home and finding her mother waiting by the window like she used to. A dad wasn't the same as a mother, especially for a girl. Over the years he worked more and more until it was like he had left them too. They had a housekeeper that sometimes made dinner, but it was Lucie that made sure they had groceries and clean clothes to wear to school. Frustration welled up inside her and she pushed it into the big hole in her chest. It would be nice to have at least one parent, she wished.

#

"Hey Dad, I'm home, is there news?" called Lucie as she walked in the door, setting her purse on the sideboard in the dimly lit entry. She walked down the narrow hall to the kitchen at the back of the house.

"I'm up here," he called. She found him sitting on Ryder's bed with his head in his hands. His face was strained, the lines in his forehead chiseled deeply and his work uniform was crumpled. A bundle of letters tied with red ribbon sat on the bed beside him.

"What's happened? Oh god, is it bad news?" she wailed.

"It will be ok," he reassured her, pulling her into a big hug. "Ryder was digging in the attic and found something. I think he might be... " He couldn't finish his sentence. "He went to the city to find your mother," he breathed. "I got a call from the hospital, there was an accident with the bus and he is in emerg, we need to go."

"What? Ryder is hurt? He was going to the city? You knew where she went and you didn't tell us!" she screamed at him and pulled away. "What is wrong with you?"

"I know I should have told you, but she didn't want me to. You were so small and I didn't want to hurt you. She left me for another guy and I was angry," he said quietly with tears in his eyes. "She said she wanted a new start and they moved to the city. I didn't even know these old letters existed. I guess he had been writing her for years."

"I hate you, I really hate you," screamed Lucie and ran out into the hallway. "I never want to speak to you again; you are such a total jerk!" She was crying so hard she didn't see the magazine on the stairs. When she stepped on it she went shooting out into the stairwell, flying and tumbling over and over to the bottom where she lay in a pile like laundry.

#

The emergency room was a jumble of white lights and metal as they wheeled her in. She was transferred to a bed in a small cubicle surrounded by blinking machines with monitors and wires. With limply hanging sheets giving an illusion of privacy, she felt naked and vulnerable. With only a thin sheet for warmth, she was shaking in shock. Time slowed to a trickle. She listened to a deep persistent coughing, the phone ringing, and a young patient down the hall crying. Her father spoke with the nurses and then turned to Lucie.

"They are waiting to send you for an x-ray," he said. "I'm so sorry; I didn't want you to find out this way." Lucie turned away and smelled the sharp tang of disinfectant, mingled with his Old Spice.

With a worried face, he came close for a hug and touched her free hand when she didn't respond. "I'm going to go see how Ryder is," he mumbled. "I'll be right back." He gently placed the letters on the table, hovered a moment, then decided that she should read them. "I thought you might want to see these, I'll give you some time."

Realizing she had forgotten about Ryder, Lucie looked at her dad, "Please let me know as soon as you know, ok?" she pleaded. He gave her a quick nod and left.

She lay back and stared at her mother's letters, her heart aching and soaring at the same time. They were from another man, imploring her mother to leave her family and come with him. He had big plans for their future together. It occurred to Lucie that she had it wrong. It wasn't her dad's fault that her mother had left. It wasn't anything they had done. It was just a sordid selfish love affair. Her eyes narrowed and she realized she had been angry with the wrong person all these years.

The x-rays revealed a buckle fracture of her right wrist. By the time her dad returned, the nurse had finished putting on the cast and was adjusting her sling.

"Great news, Ryder is going to be ok," were his first words. He sat in the chair beside her looking uncertain. "Did you read them?"

Lucie burst into tears of relief. "I did and I'm so sorry for what I said before," she said. "I don't hate you, I love you so much. Thanks for being our dad."

He hugged her gingerly. "I know it's hard to hear the truth about your mom," he said. "I'll answer any questions that you have later, I promise. But first, let's go get Ryder."

#

They followed the red line on the floor to the end of the hallway and found him in the bed by the window. Ryder looked smaller than she remembered and younger, his pale face against the white sheets. They sat and exchanged worried looks over his bed, listening to his heartbeat on the monitor.

"Ryder," she whispered, "buddy, are you there? Please be alright, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you yesterday."

There was a flutter and then he opened his eyes. The air in the room felt lighter and the two of them leaned in closer. He looked at his dad and then smiled at Lucie. "Hey sis, nice cast, can I be the first to autograph it?"

Lucie started to giggle infectiously, her dad caught it, and then Ryder. They giggled and laughed in relief until they were weak. "One for all and all for one," chanted Ryder, opening his arms wide. They collapsed in a big family hug, together again.

# # # # #