Exquisite Oblivion

“You look beautiful mamma.”

Nel studied herself in the pockmarked mirror on her dressing table. It’s shabby frame draped with a flamboyance of feather boas and beads from past shows, was a reflection of herself.

She didn’t see beauty, she saw mutton: drawn, worn, spent. Her glamorous facade Bentley had her put on, to charm the audience, didn’t quite cut it now;

Her smile had become muscle memory only, more of a teeth clenched grimace.

Her corset, fitted to flatter and accentuate her figure, looked like it had had to work too hard for too long, just like Nel. Not that Nel was bulging curves, it was more that it was the only one she owned; Bentley’s meagre profits allowed only a thrifty take on mis-en-scène and costume, relying on imaginative re-hashes, using needle, thread, a lick of paint and a dedicated troupe, with a fantastic imagination;

Their faded bohemian style wasn’t exactly intended. It was an inevitable evolution of age and meagre means.

“Thank you Elfie...”She sighed, wiping away the plum and glitter rouge from her cheek.

She spun on her chair, her flustered head swaying with its motion, and turned to Elfie with a rare, true smile, of love for her boundlessly positive daughter.

“Ah you beautiful creature, come here!” She squeezed Elfie’s cheeks and pulled her close.

****

“Bentley, we need to talk about Nel.”

“Oh, Nel Nel Nel, she's fine!” He trilled, closing his eyes and sinking deeper into his chair. He had Gaston his ‘five-hand man’ (called as such due to his height), massaging his balding head.

“No, she's not. She’s worsened since we got here. She needs to have a break...”dropping his knee and his pride for Nel, he leaned in at eye level to Bentley, “Please.”

Taken slightly aback by this gesture, Bentley stopped his masseuse. “She said she wants to keep working, Rafe, keep busy...”

“Have you not heard her?!”

“Yes, yes, we've all heard,” his tone tired and dismissive, his hands faffing away imaginary, irritant flies from about his head.

“...maybe working is the best way. I have said to her time and time again, take a break, have some time off. But she won't, she prefers to keep working...you know this Rafe.”

“She does it for you! You know how she feels: You're her family! The circus is her family, she doesn’t want to let us down!” He rubbed his temples trying to calm himself. Although exasperated, as he generally was with Bentley, he knew how stubborn Nel could be.

“And what would she do with this ‘time off’ even if we did manage to convince her? Hmmm?”

While a crack of considerate empathy had opened in Bentley’s reliably stoic demeanour, Rafe made his case as quickly as he could; “I would take her away from here... We could skip this town and meet you at the next..”

“No, no, no, we need you here! Just because you're behind the scenes now, doesn't mean you're a spare wheel in this well oiled machine!” He waved a hand around at the threadbare Bigtop above them.

“Gaaar, you drive me mad Bentley!” Rafe shouted in frustration at the small, pampered man before him.

“Equally Rafe,” He flounced, floundered...

****

“Did you hear that Elfie? That was Rafe outside our tent again, checking up on me.” She rolled her eyes.

“I’m glad he looks out for you mamma.”

“That’s typical you: taking his side!” she laughed and grinned at her daughter.

“Come on, let's finish packing up. I want to see that moon!”

After every performance, no matter matinee or evening, no matter where their circus had parked itself for it’s latest show; She would leave the big top behind her; whether it rained down, or the sun beat harshly, no matter the season, it was hers: her time to walk away, the only time she gave to herself.

“Come on slow coach!”

“Where are we going mamma?”

“We’re going to walk in that direction..” She pointed into the dark.

****

“Bentley Have you seen her?”

“Oh Rafe you’re infuriating...” he moaned, “She'll be somewhere nearby. She’s toddled off as usual,” he said flitting his fingers into the distance.

“I'm going to go look for her, Something’s not right!” he called, weaving his way through the hotchpotch mess of mobile homes sat on the snowy ground, like flotsam amongst sea foam.

It was late and freezing, the majority of their troupe, for camaraderie and necessity, had gathered close-nit around the campfire, drinking cider they’d made from apples and a pear tree Nel had discovered the year before, while off on one of her jaunts with Elfie. Moonshine and ‘Chinese whispers’ were also doing the rounds.

He locked eyes with Enid the Enormous: Her 6’8” stature gave her the position of lookout while the others relaxed.

She knew what Rafe was doing. He had done it every night for the past year. And tonight she paid special attention. She nodded to where she’d lost sight of Nel, just moments before. Palpitations had begun on seeing what Nel was wearing..

As she watched and lost Rafe to the darkness and sensing what was to come, she halted the troupe’s song with a sharp whistle.

****

“Elfie, you're getting chilly. I’ll carry you.”

“You’re the one in the nightdress mamma!” Elfie giggled.

Nel closed her eyes and felt the ice and snow between her toes: irksome, solidifying, just.

“Do you recognise it Elfie..? Do you see the bulrushes..?”

She nuzzled into her daughter’s hair, breathing in smoke, candyfloss, and incense. She closes her eyes, felt her little daughter’s body against her own, and stepped forward.

She’d reached halfway across the vast pond. She'd been studying it during the day; early mornings before her performance and after matinees too. Seeing how far out she would need to go before the ice wouldn't hold her weight anymore; How many steps it would take. She'd found the exact spot: in the moonlight shining down she was able to see where the ice was no longer a strong weight bearing white, becoming darker, thinner, a ghostly remnant of its past.

The water gushed as the pond’s winter cover cracked beneath her feet. The slushed ice engulfed her limbs, ascending her veins, turning red to blue. Her eyes closed, she held her daughter close and felt serene.

“Its okay Elfie, I’m here now.”

****

Their circus had nestled in the same spot a year before, part of their regular circuit, near a thriving town with money to spend.

Back then it had been particularly difficult however, as during one of Rafe and Nel’s aerial trapeze dances, he’d wrecked his ankle by falling from Nel’s grip. Their main act now rested on Nel’s shoulders, with Rafe only able to coach.

She had had to put every moment into coming up with a solo show that would wow the audience as much as hers and Rafe’s had; Together they were the top act, their balletic and lithe movement with only canopy between them and the stars had brought the audience close to heaven.

Practice had to be constant, all other needs ignored, including Elfie's, while she perfected her piece.

It was take your breath away cold outside and Elfie had been carving a three legged alien out of the snow. She understood her mamma was busy. She didn’t mind that Nel had snapped at her when she asked if she was done yet, or Rafe’s dismissive hand as he focussed on her mother’s body, with it’s rhythmic fluency, whistling gracefully down from the platform.

She didn’t want to be a pain so she went looking for alien antennae by herself. She knew she wasn’t supposed to leave the circus grounds but the bulrushes she’s seen with her mother the night before would be perfect.

****

Rafe didn't realise, but he wasn't far behind. He heard the cracking of ice. He let out an adrenaline fuelled guttural call for Nel.

Seeing the vast, fragile state of the pond before him, knowing its depth, he slid onto his belly and attempted to cross the ice without breach. As it began to engulf him he had no choice but to wrench himself to safety with the help of the bulrushes that surrounded him.

****

Sunrise provided them enough light to take a small fishing boat through the thin ice and see her body below: It was horizontal with the surface. Her eyes closed. Her mouth still in a serene smile.

****

Rafe sat hunched at Nel’s dressing table, staring at a polaroid of her and Elfie he had taken the previous year, while they’d picnicked under a pear tree.

Bentley coughed his way into the room, blatantly trying to hide his embarrassment at catching Rafe in his sentimental meditation.

“Sorry, sorry. I was going to start boxing up her belongings dear boy.” He stuttered meekly, while pottering about with a random selection of trinkets.

“Of course if there's anything you want to hold on to you just go ahead, Nel would’ve wanted that..”He stopped.

“I'm sorry Rafe, I..”

Rafe, taken aback at hearing the rare utterance of an apology from Bentley, turned to him. “How could we let...How could I let it happen..”

The ringmaster slumped back onto a stall, looking deflated, uncomfortable.

“It wasn’t your fault Bentley. We all helped Nel to raise Elfie. We were all responsible for taking care of them both and we failed;”

“We lost Nel the moment Elfie drowned: She was a shadow of her former self, in limbo. She waited a whole year to the day to get to that pond, to be with her again. There was no stopping her, it was inevitable.”

Rafe left Bentley and joined the others by the fire. Enid, on seeing him, nodded and they made room on the bench. Gaston passed him a cider and under the canopy of stars, with the wind blowing through the bulrushes, they drank to Elfie and Nel.