Evolve...

Prologue

I can count ten thousand things I want to say to you. Can you hear the whispers in your ear. The clarity of your eyes gave me clarity of mind until you drove me mad with worry and desire for you. Into the night you walked the last road of your life, the light guiding you into the shadows under the moons silent gaze. I wailed when I got the news, no longer could I hear the sound of your laughter, sweet words of loving kindness, lying in your arms in your warm embrace. Where are you my beautiful man, crazy, mad human, living in the fast lane, leaving no hope of growing old in your arms. Were you alone when you took your last breath. Did you know my love for you was not on hold, just waiting for the miracle of knowing you were well, whole again. Were you thinking of my hearts desire to see you walk that road free of what ails you, free of the burdens and sorrows that held you bound to the loss in unforgiveness of selfs soul. I need to know you’re okay, need to know your promise to see me again is real as the moon light which cast her light on us yesterday is the same as tomorrows. I am sorry I could not save you, save the Us that was real love in conflict of life’s painful past. Where are you, my love, my life. How did you say it, “Don’t worry about me baby, I got this, I got us covered, never gonna be without me, I am your man and you, woman, are all I ever want in life.” Where are your dark demons now that they can no longer hold you back from me, from life itself. All I ask is that you hold me here and now, tell me I am going to be okay, the news of your passing is just not real. “Don’t worry baby, Order us a perfect pint, I’ll be right back, promise.” Rip JNL.

CHAPTER ONE

The Lake

Cassandra Lamb woke up in the early of the day feeling drowsy and confused to where she was exactly. She tried to open her eyes and began to have flash backs from the night before… they came in fast unpleasant bursts, which made her head hurt to think of it. Suddenly she remembered being in her car, the night before, driving down the rainy road in tears when the head lights of another car swerved too close to hers. She banked right and went right off the cliff and down the ravine into the lake. The voice over the intercom broke into her thoughts and announced, “code blue, 5th floor, code blue, 5th floor, room 501.” Someone was having a heart attack in the next room. Casandra realized she was strapped onto a hospital bed.

“What happened,” she asked the nurse, when she next entered the room. “Why am I tied to the bed.” The nurse replied, “Oh, well now. look who’s awake. My name is Mandy. I will be your nurse today. What ever you need, just ask me and I will try to get it for you, okay. Dr Mannix will be in to see you in a few minutes. He’s just starting rounds and you’re next. You don’t remember what happened last night, in your car?” Casandra quietly responded, “I don’t think I remember exactly what happened. There were lights through the rain and the other car came into my lane, so I, I tried to avoid the lights.” Mandy asked Casandra if she could remember any other details of the night before. Cassandra thought for a few minutes, and quietly replied, “Uh, high beams, red truck in my lane. why are you asking me these questions and can you please tell me why am I tied to the bed?” Mandy replied, “Dr Mannix is here now, let’s see what he has to say, ok.”

Dr Mannix walked into the room with a small group of individuals, introduced himself and the HR person with him. The room began to spin slowly, then a bit faster as Casandra tried to listen to the words, spilling, pouring into her like a swarm of bees, stinging again and again, all a cluster of painful moments flashed before her eyes. She was desperately trying to remember what she was doing on that road the night before. Their voices slowly faded.

“Miss Lamb, can you hear me?” Dr Mannix was leaning over Casandra, taking her pulse, checking her eyes for responsiveness to life. Slowly the world around her faded from black, back to life. Silent tears began to fall, her lips quivered ever so slightly as the voices in the room started to make recognizable sounds. “Miss Lamb, can you hear me,” Dr Mannix repeated himself several times and continued. “Miss Lamb. I have Miss Noaway from HR with me today and her assistant Mr Bobbins to help us figure out our next step in helping you. First things first, we have reason to believe you were trying to commit suicide when you drove your car off the road, down the embankment and into the lake. Is that correct?”

“Can you tell us why? I mean. Were you, in fact, trying to commit suicide, because if you were, we want to talk about a volunteer 72 hr hold, to give you time to talk to someone, perhaps take some of the immediate stress off you, okay.?” “But, I didn’t try to commit suicide. The red truck… it came out of no where and ran me off the road.” Casandra cried softly as her voice faded away. Miss Noaway chimed in, “Miss Lamb. Perhaps you would be willing to give us the 72 hrs so we can arrange for you to talk to someone, okay?”There was a long silence in the room. Casandras visitors just stood there watching silent tears free flowing down her cheek.

The silence was finally broken when Casandra sighed, saying, “I will agree to stay for 72 hrs, but what’s going to keep you from making me stay, if you think, I tried to commit suicide. You have to untie me. Please. I am not going to hurt myself.” Dr Mannix interrupted her. “Miss Lamb, you have been somewhat in a state of coma going on several days now. You have been scratching and clawing at yourself, during which time, I needed to try and keep you safe. The soft hand ties are just to make sure you’re safe while you sleep. I can write and order to remove the soft hand restraints, if you feel you can keep from hurting your self and you will only wear them when you’re sleeping. Mrs Noaway will help you fill out your paperwork. I will be back to check in on you soon, okay.”

Dr. Mannix jotted down script onto Casandras orders and left the room. His pager began ringing urgently. After all the papers were signed, the nurse gave Casandra a sleeping pill and she slowly drifted off into a dream state. Lights flashed in front of her eyes, coming in and out of view, through a dark, rainy haze. She was crying in loud deep wails, sobbing to the sound of ‘Perfect Pint’, playing on the radio. She couldn’t see through her tears and the heavy rain. The voice she heard in her head was a woman's voice, it just wasn’t her voice. She was trying to hear who was on the phone.

It was muffled, drifting in and out through the rain. She couldn’t hear what she was saying, due to the static on the radio. Her phone was losing connection going through the canyon. Cassandra repeated the same sentence over and over again in her dream. “That’s not true. It’s not true.” “What is not true, dear?” Mandy asked, as she clicked on the over head lights above Cassandras bed to check on her.

It was night. She had been asleep all day. The moonlight came through the hospital window, it’s soft glow comforting her, soothing her aching heart. “I don’t know what you are talking about,” Cassandra replied, softly sobbing. Mandy continued. “Well now. I think something is weighing heavy on your heart dear. You can tell dear ol’ Mandy all about it, if you want to. Are you hungry, dear? I brought you some broth, to start you out, some jello and ice cream. You’ll be leaving tomorrow, transferred out to the other ward, but don’t you worry none, they are good people over on the other other end of the building.”

“Where are they taking me?” Cassandra asked, her voice full of tears and soft sobs. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head none, now dearie. It’s a legit psychiatric ward over there, none of that tom foolery going on over there. They won’t be keeping you forever. Dr Mannix is the best of them, psyche people, 100% no fooling. Why, I would stake my own personal reputation on Dr Mannix. I promise.”

Mandy’s southern accent was starting to sound more and more southern. Mandy remained until she had finished checking Cassandras vitals and quickly left, adding. “You’ll get a fair shake over there in the psych ward. Their specialty is recovery of lost memories. Why, they call it the memory ward, for lost or repressed memory due to pain and trauma. That’s you dear. You’ll be transferred over, first thing tomorrow morning. I am going to leave these pjs for you to put on so you’ll be ready when they come to get you. Now remember dearie, memory is like a book; sometimes, you have to go back and read it again, in order to understand it. You take care dear. Take care.”

Cassandras head and limbs felt heavy from the medication Mandy gave her to help her sleep. She put on the Pj’s Mandy left for her, ate her jello and drank her broth. She started to fall asleep and left the ice cream to slowly melt on the table-top tray. Morning arrived soon enough. The noise the two orderlies made when they arrived, wheel chair in tow, to transfer Cassandra to the other ward woke her up. The head orderly chimed in first. “Good Morning, Miss Lamb, I’m Tom and this is Fred. We are here to transfer you to the other ward. Let us help you out of bed and into the wheel chair.”

“How are you feeling this morning.? Now, there is nothing to worry about. Fred and I got you covered. If you have any questions or concerns, we’re here to help you in any way possible to help you recover your memory. We’re not the pro’s of course, just think of us as the pro’s assistants. If you have any memories you wish to share with us, then for heavens sake, please do so. We will jot them down and see to it Dr Mannix receives them.”

Cassandras movements were slow and methodical. Before she knew it, the three of them were waiting before a large elevator door. The sign on the elevator stated in big bold letters. ‘Psych Ward… only authorized staff are allowed to enter. All others must use the visitors entrance.’ Tom placed his key card over the activation device and swiped right. The light turned from red to green, the bell rang and the doors swung wide open. When the doors opened on the other side, “10th floor. Psych ward.” a woman’s voice chimed. The three of them exited into the unit and quickly arrived just down the hall to her room.

It was barren, only a bed. She noticed there were no locks on the door. This made her feelings of anxiety fall away like the soft blankets which covered her, as she crawled into the bed. “Breakfast is in one hour and then you will join Dr. Mannix. If you need anything, please let me know. We only give out medication as you request it here. We don’t like to over medicate, so we can help you recover your memory.” Tom was still talking as he walked out the door. His voice trailed off. Cassandra quickly fell back to sleep.

When Cassandra woke up, she was weeping, sad, soulful tears of deep anguish. She had been dreaming of the night her car broke through the railings, went down the embankment and into the lake. She remembered the crushing weight the impact her car made breaking through the railing, into the water, had made on her chest. She was sitting on a chair in Dr Mannix’s office and could not for the life of her, remember how she got there. Dr Mannix spoke to her in soft tones of comforting suggestions.

“Cassandra, I want you to remember the night, your vehicle went off the road, down the embankment and into the lake. We will try and recall it again. What was happening just before the accident. What were you thinking or feeling. Where were your frame of thoughts coming from. I want to believe you did not try to commit suicide. It's important not to try and force the memories. We will get there when you’re ready to remember. For now, why don’t you tell me a little bit about your life before the accident, if you can remember, let’s start there.

Cassandra sat in her chair, with a blank stare on her face. She tried to remember details of her life. She couldn’t understand why she could not remember a thing about who she was and where she was from. Was Cassandra even her real name. How did Dr Mannix know Cassandra was her name. “He must have my ID,” she thought to herself. A question formed in her mind. “How did I get out of the water. Who saved me from certain death by drowning?”

“There was a man, a guy by the name of Ralph, who said, He saw your car go off the road. He climbed down the embankment and jumped into the freezing water to save you,” replied Dr Mannix. “Do you remember him? A Tall, strong, red headed, young man with side burns and a Texas accent. Called himself, Ralph. Do you remember him? Apparently, he carried you over his shoulder, right back up the embankment to the road, and called for the ambulance to come get you both. He kept you warm with his jacket and waited by your side the whole time, all the while he was freezing but not suffering from hypothermia. They treated him at the hospital and was interview by the police, the medical staff, as well as myself.”

Cassandras silent tears softly floated down her cheeks. “I don’t recall. I remember a red truck and flashing head lights, that’s all I remember, and the rain. I do remember how cold it was. There was a song on the radio, “Perfect Pint’, I think it was. I don’t know why I remember the song. I don’t know if it holds any significance but I can’t seem to get the song out of my head. It hurts to hear it, but it plays over and over again in my head to the point of exhaustion. Can you make it stop? I can’t.”

Dr Mannix softly suggested Cassandra, close her eyes and try to go back, too as far back as she could remember, back to her earliest childhood memories of self, to see what comes of her past. If he could take her back to her earliest days, perhaps he could get her to move forward to the present day, and the trauma which apparently spurred her to drive off the cliff. He knew he didn’t have much time. He had promised her, she only needed to stay for 72 hrs so time was of the essence. He softly added, “take your time, Cassandra. We will go at your own pace, and see where it takes us, okay?”

With Cassandra’s eyes closed. Dr Mannix’s office slowing started to fade away. The window’s thin drapes, which filtered out most of the light, leaving only a soft glow in the room was warm and inviting. The photos on the desk of his wife and children, became a blur. The wall of books behind him, and the second wall of certificates and degrees all began to fade away into the background of her thoughts. She could hear the sounds of busy staff members outside his office, in the hallway, talking to patients and each other as passers by, unaware of their intrusion into her aching head.

Cassandra could feel herself drifting farther and farther into the chair she was now sitting in, which somehow seemed to feel as though she was being laid down into a dark hole. Down, down, down she went and into the darkness of her own mind, where thoughts and shadows danced and played mind tricks with lights flickering back and forth in front of her eyes. She felt a warmth come over her and was unaware Dr Mannix had placed a large blanket over her shoulders, up to her neck to keep her warm. Dr Mannix instructed Cassandra to just keep relaxing and breathing deeply, as he spoke to her in soft tones, the tears continued to flow down the side of Cassandras cheeks. She was going back; back in time, moving down a river in the wrong direction, slowing floating up stream to a time she had not remembered until now.

Personal note: This is the end of the first Chapter... this story is loosely based on the true life story of myself, the author, living life as a D.I.D. with what would once appear and feel like struggles and the bigest secrete ones life has to keep - to an actual blessing in a life long lesson on survial.