Elocution Day

Faith died and I gave up. A coconut fell on her head in Hawaii when we were on vacation and Faith died and I gave up. I gave up because it had taken me so long to give in to love and Faith and then she died and it felt like God no longer existed so I gave up.

Not to mention what a stupid way to die. But they told me in Hawaii that more people die from coconuts than shark bites and I laughed and said that was stupid and I felt shame and guilt and then I cried. Faith was dead. I was alive but I was also dead. I gave up.

That was 20 years ago. And now I barely know who I am. My name is Milt and I eat embryo-steaks. I hate embryo-steaks. 20 years ago when Faith died I had never even heard of embryo-steaks. 20 years ago things like Hawaii existed and coconuts existed and trees and the color green existed but now the closest thing to the color green is that I call this place I live in a blacktop jungle--so the closest thing to green in this world is the word 'jungle' in my dysphemism blacktop jungle.

It's so stupid that Faith died by the coconut because she was such a fighter. Her eyes were like ice and her skin was dark and she was a total fighter when The Great Spiritual War broke out. Faith was a fighter and I wasn't a fighter and we were a beautiful match and to this day I am still not a fighter. I am more of an observer. Also my name is Milt and you can't be a fighter if your name is Milt. You can't. I can't.

I gave up. Faith is dead and gone and has been dead and gone for a while but today I remember and I hate it and I give up. Today I remember. Always on this day.

I don't want to be talking about Faith or remembering Faith because it's too painful but today is Elocution Day and even though I don't believe in anything the Omnivent tells me to believe they say it's Elocution Day so it's Elocution Day and I remember. On Elocution Day everyone is supposed to have a voice and everyone is supposed to remember and even though I believe in none of it I am forced to remember. Forced. I hate it. Forced.

I don't want to remember Faith but today is Elocution Day. Even though I remember her all the time and she shows up in my Cinema-Sleeps and forces me to remember I don't want to. I'm scared. I don't want to. But I give up. I do. Remember. Give up. I gave in. To love. To Faith. She died. God died. I gave up.

Elocution Day is also bloody so I stay inside. People get angry when they are given a voice and they get seethingly angry and violent so I stay inside. The Great Spiritual War created The Rift so I stay inside because I don't believe in teams and I am an outcast and I hate it. I am not interested in The Rift and the two different teams of Red and Blue and the Spiritualist and the Digitalist teams. The Spiritualists kill the Digitalists with God and the Digitalists kill the Spiritualists with robots and I want nothing to do with it. So I sit and think about Faith. And Faith is dead.

I stay inside and remember Faith and I eat embryo-steaks. I hate embryo-steaks. I hate staying inside. But it is bloody outside and everyone is fighting and seething because on Elocution Day the Omnivent gives everyone a voice and invariably it turns horrific. I don't go outside much anyway. It smells like sulphur and cheap cigarettes all the time outside and the color green no longer exists and green was always my favorite color. So I stay inside and remember but I do my best to forget.

Why don't I off myself? Because they will reincarnate me. Offing one's self is the only law we still have that holds any reasonable amount of salt. So I don't. I can't. But why bother. I've given up. I gave up. After I gave in to love and Faith and it was taken from me I gave up. Totally. Utterly. Gave. Up.

And I no longer know how to meet people. I'm not a Spiritualist because I can't believe in God after Faith was killed by a coconut falling on her head in the old ashy Utopia of Hawaii. I'm not a Digitalist because robots are not my thing...I don't want coitus from a robot...I don't want to talk to a robot...I don't want to pretend a robot is my mother or my brother or my father or my friend, all of whom are long gone on The Other Side somewhere. I don't want to pretend. Life is too hard to pretend. I hate to pretend.

I hate. I wish I loved but I hate. I try. I tried for so long to love. Found love and Faith but they died. But I keep getting reminded. Sulphur. No green. Omnivent. Spiritualists. Digitalists. The Other Side. I'm floating. Nebulous. Ripped in half constantly. My life is about me being ripped in half. Slowly. I hate the embryo-steaks because they tast like iron and I know that this so-called food thing is a hard jelatin made in one of the China-USA-Flux 100 story buildings all across The Ball. They pump out embryo-steaks like flies and we eat them because it is all we have. The embryo-steaks provide water and iron and the Omnivent realized a while ago that that is all we need. Iron. Water. Iron. Water. Hate.

Back in Hawaii when I had love and Faith I thought if this day would come. When there would be no more food. I thought if this day would come where there would be restrictions but I didn't know it would ever come to this. I laughed. That will never come. But it came. And it's all our fault really. We allowed it. Now only a select few with trillions live at the very top of The Other Side. The rest of us live here. Sulphur. Embryo-steaks. No green. The Great Spiritual War raging like wildfire outside.

I mused and thought back when I had love and Faith that maybe we would only be able to eat real food once or twice a week or maybe real meat would only be provided on Fridays or something, but I never thought it would come to this. I can't even remember what real food is or what it tastes like or smells like. I barely remember green. The word fresh is a mystery. What is keeping me together? Forgetting. But I can't.

Elocution Day makes me remember. I hate Elocution Day. I hate the Omnivent. I want no part of it. Torn in half. On the rack of 'culture'. The Rift. We became casualties a while ago. Casualties of comfort. Elocution Day is a scam. But they bvelieve it. They believe it like they believe everything else they see in their Cinema-Sleeps. Sometimes I wish I could believe it. I cannot. No. Gave in. Then gave up.

So I try and remember Faith. Faith is all I have. She was a fighter. More of a Spiritualist than a Digitalist and I loved her for that. Deeply. Her smell. Her hands. Her beautiful icey eyes. I always wanted to be able to drink her eyes but I couldn't and we would laugh about that. On hot days I wanted to drink Faith's icy eyes.

"Can I drink your eyes?" I asked.

She laughed, "Don't be silly, Milt."

We would laugh and her teeth would be pearls and she would lean into me and kiss me on the cheek and everything would be fine. Everything. Whatever The Ball was headed toward. Whatever destruction. I knew even if it got this bad in the future I would be okay because I had Faith. And love. We had each other. And then the coconut fell. And then I gave up. I'm in pain. I'm scared. I'm deeply hurt.

And all I have left of love and Faith is her necklace. The heart shaped locket with the photo of her as a child in it. It is weird to be in love with Faith and remember her adult body but the only thing I have in terms of an image of her aside from the ones in my mind is of her as a child. But what I see in the photo inside the heart shaped locket is a photo of her essence. As a child her eyes were still icy and her big smile is so pure it looks like water I used to swim in years ago at the river below the Old-Growth Forests. Pure. Icy. Pure. Water. Love. Faith.

I want to drink her. I want to drink her and let the purity wash everything away. I want to drink her and let the purity wash all of this 'culture' away and take me back to the smell of the rose instead of sulphur and show me that life can be fine and will be fine and God is true and benevolent and loving. And then the cocount fell and now I'm here.

Elocution Day makes me remember. I hate Elocution Day. Everyone else seems to love it. Maybe that's not true. I can't say what everyone else thinks or loves. I only know I want out. But I don't know how. I wish there were a dragon to slay. I wish there were a button to push. But the Omnivent controls everything. I don't know if they know about the heart shaped locket I hold close to my heart. I show it to no one. I need to be careful to even write this but I'm writing this because I needed to get it down and part of me thinks this is my way of expressing myself on Elocution Day.

Part of me wants these words to become a reality and bring Faith back. But she's dead. Hawaii. The coconut. Elocution Day makes me remember. I hear people outside seething in the sulphur, yelling, picking sides, remembering their own remembrances. Pain.

Love. Faith. I don't know what to believe in other than that. What remains of it. God died with you and the coconut in Hawaii. How could something so devastating happen in Hawaii? Faith...I wish I could drink you know.

Please. Fine. I will remember. I will rememeber as hard as I can. I don't know what to do but forget and then remember. And then I shall die. And then maybe I shall see you. There will be no more embryo-steaks and Omnivent and Rifts and Spiritual Wars. Just truth. Green will exist again.

Take me back.

Or take me forward.

I will wait. I have been waiting.

I gave in to you. Love and Faith. Then I gave up. But I will give in again. Now. Amidst the cries outside and the smells. I will give in. Please. Show me.

I suppose I write this because I want to believe God is there. Even a shred. After all, your name is Faith.

I laugh. I know you would laugh too. I sleep with you close.