Ella Mae is Dead

(This story was originally published in Medium.)

I didn’t expect it would end like this — thought Ella Mae as she looked down at her body.

A pool of blood had gathered around her head. The chair she had fallen off toppled beside her.

Huh. Dead by falling off a chair. Not something you would expect when you’re only forty-five. But, at least it was quick and, to her best recollection, quite painless.

To this, she chuckled a bit.

Death is a pretty serious thing, and not a laughing matter, sure. But she couldn’t help but laugh again.

This is my death, surely I’m entitled to laugh about it.

Until now, all she could see was her own body, but as she laughed, her environment slowly came into focus, like a mist had slowly dissipated and she found herself once more in her familiar apartment.

Now she clearly saw a distressed Shujin, whimpering and nosing her, trying to rouse her.

Oh, Shujin. There is no use in that, baby.

Shujin raised his head, barked once, and wagged his tail excitedly.

Oh, you can see me? How interesting.

She raised what she thought were her hands, but nothing came into view.

I can’t even see myself.

She shrugged, who cares?

She squatted down and took her golden retriever into her deep embrace. His scent brought such comfort to her, as always.

... ... ... ...

When she got Shujin, she was thirty-five and had just broken up her two-year-long engagement.

Her father was distraught. To him, she had finally found someone who put up with her, why did she break it up? He nagged her for months, as usual.

Until one night, things unexpectedly blew up. Or, maybe, the pressure had reached its pinnacle and the relationship could sustain it no more.

It was after dinner, they were still seated at the table. Her father had been talking then, about an acquaintance whom his family thought had passed away in the hospital bed, only to wake up for another five minutes before he really died, later. Ella Mae chuckled.

In her mind, it happened like a comic.

An old guy feigned death, waited until everyone was crying, then sat back up and laughed,

“Gotcha! Just kidding!”

Everyone was relieved, but their gladness was quickly replaced by confusion when he went slack and died. It was something she would do she thought.

Her father, on the other hand, was furious.

“Could you for once, be normal? We don’t laugh about things like this.”

Normal. This word was thrown around at her, way too many times to count. Callous. Odd. Tactless. Absent-minded.

Her inability to read social cues somehow was her fault, they were her repeated failures regardless of how hard she tried.

“Can you for once, accept me for who I am?!”

The words came rushing out, like a great tsunami crashing over the floodgate. There was no turning back then. It sounded like she was screaming, which she never did at her father.

He started shouting too, his face a dark purple shade of dogmatic determination to shred everything in its path.

Anger boiled and roiled.

They were two trembling leaves caught up in a violent tornado, whipped around helplessly in their uncontrollable force of emotions, scorching and searing each other with their caustic and bitter words.

“All I ask is for you to live a normal life!” he shouted as if it was an ultimatum.

“Define normal,” Ella Mae said breathlessly.

“My whole life is not normal to you — I had trouble making friends, I don’t like your music, I turned out to be stupid — don’t you deny it, I know you think it, you think I don’t get your genes and my job as an artist and a dog sitter pathetic! Let’s see, what else — ”

“Please stop it, you two,” Mama had her face in her hands.

Her voice sounded far away, weak.

“You should have married Gary!!” He shouted, a last arrow aiming at her heart.

Ella Mae burst out laughing. She couldn’t believe he still thought that — actually, she could believe it, yet it seemed so jarringly ridiculous at the moment. Hot tears streamed down her face, but she couldn’t stop laughing like a mad woman.

And there it was, the look of disapproval and disgust on her father’s face — Ella Mae who always laughs at the wrong time.

“You seem to forget Gary cheated on me, twice!” she spat.

Her whole body trembled.

“I didn’t forget! He made a mistake! If you were in a marriage, things would be different! He would come back! He would always come back!” He screamed it like it was his religion and he believed it.

Ella Mae shook her head.

This is madness, she thought. Madness.

“I took him back the first time he did it, just like you asked me to. I took him back, Dad. But where did that lead us… I don’t want a life like this. I didn’t even want to have a boyfriend to begin with. I don’t need a husband. I certainly don’t need one that couldn’t care less about breaking my heart.”

Ella Mae was calm now.

The great fury had burnt everything down. Cool ash motes gently settle down, leaving a hollow feeling that expanded on no end inside her. There was a reason she hated emotions, they came and went with no reason; she could never decode them and in the end, it always left her feeling exhausted.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t the daughter you thought you were getting, Dad. No matter how many times you twist me and try to shape me, there is only Ella Mae. I’m not your bonsai trees, I’m no one’s but myself,” she said quietly and left.

It took them months before they spoke again. But what was broken was done. There was no undoing it. She felt like they had buried something they couldn’t even name. Yet what had been split apart inside her allowed something to grow out of it.

Something new, strange, but light.

Something she didn’t apologize for anymore.

... ... ... ...

Let’s go to our favorite place, Shujin.

Shujin wagged her tail excitedly. He pushed down the door handle and off they went.

They went down the stairs, through the back garden, and out of the apartment compound onto the trail. From there it was a serene one-hour walk. One hour of quietness, gentle breeze, whispering trees, chirping birds, and squirrels scampering around.

Finally, they reached a lake. Here Ella Mae sat down on her favorite bench, and Shujin sat beside her.

The sun was setting now, casting a vibrant gold sheen on the water, dying the sky soft hues of pink, purple, orange, yellow, and amber. The honey-like glow stretched on forever.

Something shifted inside her.

This is it, Shujin.

She patted him. He whimpered a little. His eyes looked sad.

That’s OK, love. I’m fine. I’m more than fine. You go back to our home. Nelly probably would come to check on me soon, since I didn’t show up to take Cassie for her walk.

She would find me and call someone. Don’t worry, you will go live with Nana. She loves you, Shujin. She loves you, doesn’t she? You will be fine. Thank you for loving me all these years. I had the best time with you.

“Are you ready?” a voice came into her mind.

Yes. She nodded.

“No parents?” The Being asked.

Ella Mae pondered for a bit and shook her head.

They will be fine. I don’t need to see them.

As soon as she thought that, she felt a peculiar sense of peace spread inside her that filled her. Ella Mae felt she was one with the light.

And then, Ella Mae was no more in this world.

... ... ... ...

Note:

I was washing my car one late Saturday morning. Since I was vertically challenged, I had to use a ladder to wash the top of the car. Our driveway is sloped, as I tried to mount the ladder, the ladder wobbled and creaked. I thought,

“This is unsafe. If it tips and I fall and break my neck, it could be the end of me.”

I once knew a man whose wife died from falling off a chair. I was young then, just a bit past my mid-20s.

How his face showed a raw emotion of anguish and sorrow struck me hard as he retold how she fell and he didn’t think he wouldn’t see her again. They were only in their early 50s.

I have forgotten his name, but I will never forget the brokenness and the longing that was written on his face.

As I recalled this, a name came into my name. More particularly, Ella Mae inserted herself into my mind and told me it was her I saw in my mind — the body on the floor, with a toppled chair right next to it.

There is no escaping it, Ella Mae came again and again. When I failed to find words to let the story flow, she kept showing up and revealing bits and pieces of herself. It was an excruciating two weeks, trying to piece everything together. Now that we’re done, Ella Mae is finally at peace(and leave me in peace).

Or so I thought. Until Ella Mae’s father and mother looked at me solemnly and gave me a mental image of each of themselves.

I guess my work is not done.

There is no rest for a writer.