Dying is hard

I don’t remember what day it is, I stopped counting, I also don’t know where I am, I don’t know where I am going, and the thing that haunts me the most is I can’t remember the last thing you said, all I have is this heart-shaped locket, memory is a cruel tormentor, for whatever how long it has been since the event, the death of every living thing that speaks in my city and I am starting to think in the entire country or maybe the world, I have been plagued with the burden of remembering. like that day at Pont des Arts in Paris, where you refused to follow the footstep of every other couple whoever stepped in the most romantic city known to man, you refused to get a lock and instead you got a locket, I remember we almost got into an argument but before I could get irritated, you put the locket around my neck and said wherever I am is where you want your heart to be.

You could be unnecessarily difficult sometimes, purposely going against popular culture for no reason, but I never minded because after missing each other for 10 years, ending up in toxic relationships, and finally being together in the city of love as we started a life together, the life we dreamed off, the life we both deserved, the world didn’t matter and so was the hatred you had for it because as long as I had you and you had me everything was supposed to be fine.

I don’t know why I am holding on to this locket since I have been running away from our town and our life because everything single thing holds a happy memory that haunts me.

I know you might not approve of this but I haven’t been trying to stay alive, dying just seem so gruesomely painful, so I have been searching deserted pharmacies looking for pills to put an end to this. I have never been brave, never really could do anything on my own, all the strength it seemed I have was drawn out of the fact that I had you by my side, there is an underrated strength that comes with ending one’s life, by taking control of your faith and switching your light off and even when I am experiencing the end of the world I am still not strong enough, because with every pharmacy I have ransacked I get a sigh of relieve when I don’t find anything.

But I am going to find the strength to take control, the air is now heavy, it has now been separated into distinctive particles, and feels like you are sniffing huge chunks of dust, this makes it hard to breathe and now I feel as if I don’t end myself the air is going to end me. these days I feel lightheaded, I think it might be because of my lack of food, maybe it is the air, maybe the air is what made everyone suffer a cardiac arrest and convulse at the same time or maybe it is something else.

I think it’s a matter of time before whatever it gets me to, and before it does I need to take matters into my own hands. I know you wouldn’t have wanted it that way. You never allowed me to settle with my misfortunes, you always pushed me to find something better, you would have wanted me to find if there is another person alive, find out what it is that caused the rest of the world to die and why I am still alive I just don’t have the strength or the will for that. I have been walking for days and I am tired, I am taking the muscle pull on my left leg as a sign of the end.

In this heart-shaped locket is a picture of me and you, I still don’t know why I have the locket with me, maybe it is because I always had the weird fantasy of living life and eventually dying with you.

And you should know life isn’t worth much when the people you live for are no more, the end of the world for me didn’t start with this disaster, the end of the world started for me when you closed your eyes and I think I took the locket with me because I wanted your heart around when I finally closed mine.