dusk till dawn

*Major trigger warnings: there is a discussion of suicide (there is a plan discussed), mentions of death, alcohol abuse, chronic loneliness, verbal abuse, negative self-imagery, cringe (it's intentional), jokes about death/dying, and a more/less, unrealistic ending.*

** Author's Note: I've had a rough March. A lot of loss, a lot of self-doubts, a lot of questioning, and negative energy... And the news hasn't been helpful, nor some of the support groups I attend, etc. I suffer from bouts of chronic loneliness - I have since I was maybe, 10-11. When I started writing, funny enough.

This is more of a vent piece, a self-indulgent piece, so there will be things that will offend you; this isn't done purposely. This is done as a way to regulate my intense emotions. After writing this, I genuinely feel so much better.

So! I hope the moderators approve of the post because I think there are others feel like I do. And it's essential for representation and visibility.

How I've felt since 10-11; everything looks like it's going amazing: great job, great social circles, a roof over your head, and you're doing way better than others - on the surface. But. Under the surface is deep, seethed feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, depression/crippling anxiety, empty - nihilistic about your existence. And it feels like there is no end... But there is!

It's remaining hopeful, using coping skills, reaching out (online or in-person) for help, and writing it out - it will pass. It will get better. And it will be so great once you look back and say - "I did that! I survived that. I can do anything!"

This piece is a reflection of a low, how I handled the low (self-regulated), and a hopeful outcome (which I used to get picked on for in my writing class for it being unrealistic. I'm hopeful by nature, so I'm #teamgoodending any day. Hate that? Eat grass.) and a chance to be with Semi as my alter ego... And if you've talked to an Ashbaby/Ashdoll before, no you haven't!

OKAY! Note over - enjoy the piece and please remember, in the words of Our Last Night - "You can make it to the sunrise." **

---

"Jesus, so many freaking stairs," Eita huffed as he dusted himself off, readjusting the snow-white fur jacket wrapped around his body. He sighed as he looked at the floor; shaggy red carpet, peeling wallpaper, poppy ceilings.

Yep. Old fashioned motel. Great.

Eita sighed as he looked down at the address he'd been assigned. His eyes peered up at the tiny sign in front of him, indicating the directions of the rooms.

Walking down the hall toward his client, he heard breathy moans and muffled screams of names coming from behind the doors. Sliding his hands into his pockets, he took the final steps and stopped in front of his location.

"Please don't be an old man, please don't be an old man," Eita mumbled to himself as he knocked on the door.

One catfish - shame on them. Two catfish- shame on him. He gets fooled again; he's -

Before he could finish his thought, a woman with golden skin, kinky curls, and doe eyes opened the door. Her head was turned away from him, and her hands shook nervously as she pulled back from the door.

"Hi," A soft voice whispered. Eita smiled and relaxed.

Good. This will be fine.

"Hi! You're Ashleigh, right?" Eita's bright voice rang against the walls of the hallway. The woman nodded, "Nice to meet you; I'm Prince - it's a pleasure to meet you," He curtsied. The woman's eyes flashed in his direction, and she rolled them away.

"Okay, sorry, too much," He cleared his throat and pocketed his hands.

The woman shook her head, "Just really cheesy, but if it's part of his gimmick - I don't mind," She sighed and turned her back on him, "Come in."

Eita nodded as he entered the room, closing the door with a gentle click. The room was clean; white walls, oak floors, and greenery filled the open spaces. A chill passed through him as he slipped his shoes off.

"Okay, okay, that was weird, but this will be good," His thoughts reassured him as his eyes met Ashleigh entirely. She was average height, brown does, black curls, and a slight 'shake' to her presence; it was like she was vibrating.

Eita flashed a bright smile, "Okay, Ashleigh, what do you wanna do," He asked with a glint. His body is lax, and his hands are comfortable on his hips. Ashleigh swallowed, her eyes widening involuntarily.

"Oh, um, well, I, I don't really know," She stuttered while hugging herself. She stopped breathing briefly, and Eita thought she'd died on the spot.

But then she breathed out, eyes flicked around the room, "You could, you could get comfortable on the couch - if you want,"

"Whatever you want princess," Eita chuckled as he nodded behind her, "Is that your living room?"

"Yeah, yeah, take a seat," Ashleigh rushed out from the genkan and into, what Eita presumed, was her kitchen. He stepped further into the apartment. Then, sitting on the white leather couch, he rested back with a sigh.

"Peaceful," He mumbled, resting his head against the couch and closing his eyes. He heard tiny footsteps enter and peeked over at Ashleigh, hands gripped around the throat of a whiskey glass.

"Sorry, I don't usually do things like this, so I'm really nervous," She admitted, taking a small sip, "Liquid courage, right," She joked, still standing away from Eita.

Eita smiled and lifted his head, "Well, if it helps - we don't have to have sex. We could do whatever you want,"

"Whatever I want," Ashleigh mumbled as she took another deep sip. Eita watched with a soft stare, leaning toward the edge of the couch. Ashleigh continued to buzz physically and now mentally as she looked back at him.

"I don't even know what to do with you here," She admitted again, hugging herself tight, "Never even kissed a boy - why would I think hiring a prostitute would curb that issue," She sniffled, shaking her head.

"Hey, it's okay. We don't have to do anything at all. We could sit here if that's what you want," Eita reassured Ashleigh. She took the sleeve of the robe and rubbed it against her eyes.

"This is so stupid; I'm not wearing anything under this thing and I feel so hot," She mused, "I always get really hot when I do things like this,"

"What things are you talking about," Eita questioned, keeping his distance. Ashleigh met his eyes and smiled.

"Nothing,"

He sighed, "You don't have to tell me details if that helps,"

She shook her head, "My body sometimes acts weird, woman things. Nothing to worry about… I have a question for you, though,"

"What's on your mind, beautiful," His sweet whisper voice laced the air with a refreshing burst of energy and fire.

Until it didn't.

"Would you pretend to be my friend before I-" Ashleigh's voice caught as she choked back tears, her eyes flashed away from Eita as she whispered, "I take my life,"

She's. She just… did she say that? Does she mean that?

Eita's body stiffened, and his voice stepped on subtext eggshells, "Ashleigh. Do you understand what you just told me,"

She nodded. Eita's eyes widen, "And you understand that I have to report this, correct?"

"Your policy didn't state that, and you’re not obligated to witness either. But! Your profile says that you're into choking," She huffed, taking a quick sip. Her fingers tapped against the glass, "And you do have an policy about things going too far - didn’t read it all the way, but I figured it could be an accident. Things like that happen all the time. People get really excited, sex goes to their head, and they’re dead," Ash took another sip.

She grumbled to himself, "Ash, don't be fucking stupid. Stick to the plan," Her eyes closed, and she took a deep breath. Eita crossed his arms and stood steady. His eyes scanned her body; questions ran through his mind.

How does he navigate this situation?

Ashleigh swallowed and continued, "Your profile said your favorite kink was choking. So I wanted you to choke me with your belt and pull a little too hard, I’d stop breathing, and that's it. I already have a note prepared. You could call the police, tell them you heard something, and that'll be that," She reminisced to him as if she was already gone and reliving the moment. She took another sip and continued tapping her fingers against the glass.

Eita huffed, "This is insane - assisted suicide,"

"Why do you think I hired a whore to do this," Ashleigh's voice held a knife against Eita's, "I'm too scared to do it, and they won't care what you have to say. They never care. The people that get treated worse than me are people like you,"

Eita's eyes narrowed as he glared at Ashleigh, who shook her head and sniffled.

"Sorry, sorry," She apologized, swallowing, "Just been a really stressful day," She turned her back and raced back into the kitchen.

Eita followed her fleeting figure.

What. The. Fuck.

He caught a winding breath. He leaned over his knees as he swallowed hard.

"I have to get out of here," Eita mouthed as he tiptoed toward the genkan. He turned to ensure the ghost was cleared before slipping his shoes back on.

"Leaving?" A voice echoed, and a small sip followed.

"Yes. I'm allowed to end an arrangement with a client if the individual poses a danger to themselves or me," Eita finished, getting his shoes on. He turned on his heels and pocketed his hands, "Have a good evening beautiful,"

"You too," Her voice defeated as she turned around and walked back into the living room. Eita's eyes followed her figure; she lowered into the couch, sat her drink down, and curled into a tight ball. Her face pressed into her knees, and sniffles escaped the spot.

Eita swallowed, "Fuck," He took his shoes and coat off. His footsteps light as he enters the room. His eyes scanned over her body, and he frowned as he realized.

"You were going to let me leave, why," He questioned. Ashleigh shook her head and pressed her chin on her knees.

"Why wouldn't you leave? Who'd want to be stuck with the lonely psychopath," She giggled, tears falling down her cheeks.

Eita hummed.

"I don't want your pity, charity, or whatever else... I'm sure there's another pretty princess or handsome prince you have to entertain. So go." Her voice was hoarse with defeat. She pushed her face down into her knees.

Eita looked down and placed his coat on the table, sitting in the middle of the couch. He turned to her and crossed his legs, resting his hands in his lap.

"Tell me about your day," The sniffling stopped, and Eita met a pair of bloodshot reds and a runny nose. A warm smile graced his face, and Ashleigh's cheeks turned a light pink.

"Why do you wanna know about my day; my day won't matter when the sun rises," She shut her eyes, "Inside thought," She sighed.

"Because that's what friends ask about," Eita chuckled, "We're not friends anymore or something?" He joked, fixing his ash blonde curls nervously.

Please work.

"Why would someone like you be my friend?"

"An escort," Eita peered at her through hooded eyes.

"A hot guy," She answered bluntly, her blush turned cherry, "Guys like you don't like me unless you want something, money in your case… come to think of it, people don't like me unless they want something from me. It always happens like that,"

Eita nodded, "That has to be too frustrating and lonely, too," Ashleigh nodded, "Is that why you've been overwhelmed?"

"That and work, family, just… it's been a lot of changes. And I feel like I'm doing these new things, and yet I still feel so empty," Ashleigh teared up again, glancing at Eita, "I had to hire a hot guy to talk to me, to give me attention, to be my friend… I know all my friends' birthdays. I send them gifts. I'm their shoulder to cry on. I'm their confidant… yet when I'm on the blink of destruction,"

Ashleigh held a finger by her ear and one by her mouth to mimic a phone, "Sorry, Ash, I'm busy! Sorry, Ash, my boyfriend and I are going out. Sorry Ash, can't be bothered with you… Bothered? You… you can't be bothered? But if you need money, then you'd be bothered? If you need someone to vent to, I’m worth your time? If you need anything - I’d give up my space for you, and here I am," Ashleigh's voice fave out at the end. Her eyes burned as tears flowed down her cheeks. She turned away and cried softly to herself.

Eita stood still, watching.

Allow space for all the emotions to present themselves, don't go into the conversation immediately… give her time.

Ashleigh swallowed, laughing to herself, "How pathetic. Couldn't kill myself; hired someone else to do it. Hired the hot guy because I wanted to lose my virginity, got spooked, and now I’m crying to the guy. Christ Ashleigh. This is why people say you're so confused. No - conflicted is the word people use. You're too much - dramatic, happy, etc. I'm always too much. This is all too much." She closed her mouth to keep the thought to herself.

"Could I hold you," Eita asked impulsively, "Is it okay if I could hold you," He corrected.

Ashleigh shook her head, her eyes meeting his again, "Why? What's that gonna do,"

Eita sat closer to her; he rested his hand on hers. Ashleigh's spine arched into the touch with a huff.

Eita smirked, "Someone's touch-deprived,"

Ashleigh pulled her hand back and glared at him, "What's that matter? ‘Not like I have a continued source for physical touch,"

"Is that another reason I'm here," Eita asked; Ashleigh's glare softened. "I'm sorry, Ashleigh. I'm sorry you feel that way, and I'm sorry that your needs aren't being met,"

"Stop talking to me like a patient," Her voice snapped. Eita's eyes widened, but he remained in his spot. Ashleigh turned her head away again, "Sorry,"

"Snap, yell, scream, laugh - do whatever,"

"You want," Ashleigh finished, "I want to be gone by tomorrow morning,"

"Well, that's not happening, so think of something else," Eita smirked triumphantly.

Ash’s eyebrows perked up in knowing, "What about your other clients? Don't you have more 'wishes' to fulfill, Prince-"

"Eita," He interrupted, Ashleigh's face twisted in confusion, "Friends know each other's names - I know yours is Ashleigh, so it's only fair you know mine,"

"Could be a fake name,"

Eita shrugged, "I can reassure you it’s not," He smiled, "And I can cancel the other appointments."

"You can't-" Ashleigh started with a huff. Eita held his hand up and pulled out his phone. She gave him a high five, giggling to herself.

Speed dial. And. Go.

The phone rang twice before someone picked up.

"Hello and thank you for calling the Castle of Dreams; where your wildest dreams come to life. My name is Doll, how may I serve you today?"

"Hello Doll, it's Prince Charming calling," Eita's eyes wandered over to

"Oh! Eita! You're with a client now right? Is there something going on?"

"No, no. Everything is wonderful; we're having such a wicked great time!"

There was a brief silence. Eita's eyes rested on Ashleigh with a soft smile. Ashleigh smiled back with tears pickled at her lids. There was a rustle on the phone.

"Eita, Daichi here. Kiyoko said you're with an at-risk client. I know this is your first time dealing with this situation, so I'll be as prompt as possible. Okay?" Daichi hushed through the line. Eita's body tensed and then relaxed as he closed his eyes to 'reset.' Ashleigh hummed to herself.

"Yes I understand exactly how you feel. Doll, if you don't mind - could I make a request," Eita asked in a sweet voice, twisting his hair around his finger while smiling.

"Good. Just say yes or no - Are you and client present in the same room/space/etc?"

"Yes,"

"Has the client indicated to you if they have a plan, means or access to dangerous weapons, chemicals, substances, etc?"

"Yes,"

"Does the client plan to attempt once you leave?"

"Well, duh! That's why I'm making the request - I wanna spend the rest of my night with them," Eita hopped onto his knees, smile still gracing his face as he started to chuckle while scanning over Ashleigh, "You want me to stay. Right beautiful?"

Ashleigh nodded; Eita sat back and continued, "She wants me to stay, so I'm staying."

Daichi sighed with a small smile, "You should've been an actor; you'd be a blockbuster sensation. Anyway - we'll notify the authorities-"

"No, wait, you don't have to do that," Eita huffed, "I'll take care of it. I just wanted someone else to know since I won't be using my phone," Eita grinned over at Ashleigh, "I want my princess to have my undivided attention,"

Ashleigh blushed.

Daichi sighed, "I know you want to protect her, Eita. But it's standard procedure; we have to report the incident, or you have to bring her to a medical facility/hospital/etc. She needs an e-val, Eita,"

Eita swallowed and shook his head, pulling his cheeriest voice, "Thank you so much, Doll! I owe you one! Have a wonderfully enchanting night!"

"Eita-"

He hung up and turned his phone off, tossing it on the table beside Ashleigh's drink. He turned to face him, resting his arm over the couch with a soft smile. Ashleigh returned the smile and sniffled.

"You're in trouble, aren't you," Her shoulders sank, "I can pay you extra for staying,"

"Don't worry about it okay," Eita shrugged, "Now! Tell me more about you; work, hobbies, things you like or enjoy, the works," He motioned with his hands for her to continue.

Ashleigh's eyes teared up again, sniffling, "... This gonna be really stupid-"

"It's not stupid," Eita interrupted, "Needs, wants, etc. they're all a part of who you are, and you're no stupid. So, it's not stupid. Does that make sense?"

Ashleigh giggled, nodding, "Yeah yeah, it does," She wiped the tears with the sleeve of her robe, "I really want you to hold me if that’s-" Her body jolted as Eita wrapped his arms tight around her. Tension drained from her body as she turned in his arms, falling into his body.

She rested her head into the crook of his neck, tears falling against his neck. Eita gripped his arms tighter around her waist as he slowly laid them down. Ashleigh rested against him as she continued to cry into his neck.

Eita rubbed her back and kissed her temple. Ashleigh continued crying.

"... thank you," Ashleigh choked through her tears as she gripped his shirt.

Eita nodded, "Of course Ashleigh,"

"... I'm sorry I'm being fun,"

Ashleigh lifted her head and rested her chin down on his collarbone. A small smile graced her face again.

"You're such a liar," They laughed; Eita shook his head and huffed, offended.

"Excuse me? I'm having a killer time- I mean," He caught himself and swallowed hard, "Not killer as in dying or murder or anything else - like slang for fun, you know,"

"I know," Ashleigh grinned and shook her head, resting her head back down on his collarbone, "I had a bad day today,"

"What happened,"

So Ashleigh relaxed against Eita as she regaled the struggles of her day; they laughed, cried, talked shit, and vented to each other. It was nice. For the first time, in what felt like forever... Ashleigh turned off survival mode. Her mind was at ease, her shoulders sloped, and the shaking stopped.

---

The next morning, Ashleigh woke up the following day to a warm, empty spot on the couch. She lifted herself on her legs and looked around the apartment, snapping her head down to follow the sound.

A fuzzy white coat dropped off her body to the floor, and a small slip of paper fell out onto the floor. Ashleigh grinned and read,

Left in a rush and left my coat. Will come back to get it later - thanks for the incredible night! -Eita

Ashleigh clicked her teeth and giggled, "Yeah, right. Fun while it lasted, though. Thanks, Eita. Really," Her voice softened as she thought back to last night. Her head snapped up when she heard a soft knick in the door. She facepalmed and jumped off the couch.

"Coming," Ashleigh yelled, "Big reminder to clean up the place before check-out,"

Ashleigh froze as her eyes rested on a tall guy with Manila skin and ash-blonde curls dyed black at the ends. He held out a small brown bag to her with a slight smirk.

"You're Ashleigh, right?"

She nodded, trying to hold back a giggle. She took the bag from his hands and sighed, "Yes, I am she."

Eita nodded, "Nice to meet you, I'm Eita - it's a pleasure to meet you," He curtsied, and she mimicked the movement.

Eita smiled, "And I was really hoping we could have breakfast together,"

Her face dropped, "I don't-"

"Do charity, pity, and whatnoteverelse. I wanna have breakfast with a stunning woman. Is that charity," His eyebrows furrowed in her direction.

Then, with a head shake, she clicked her teeth, "Guess not? Still questioning why you're here,"

"Question away now," Eita stood on his tiptoes and nodded into the room, "Could I come in?"

Ashleigh shook her head, "Eita, I-"

"You have the room the whole week; you have one more day to be here. You're not the only one who does their homework," He winked with a smirk.

Ashleigh swallowed, her cheeks turned a deep red, "Come in,"

Eita smiled, skipping past her, "And after breakfast, we're going out," He said as he took his shoes off.

"Why?"

"That's what friends do," Eita smiled up at Ashleigh. Ashleigh shook her head while she closed the door, "We're friends right?"

Ashleigh lifted her head to Eita's bright eyes with hope and love. She felt like she was drowning in light, unexplained by any human... But something supernatural. Something that wanted her to keep going, to keep moving forward... To stick around.

She was safe.

"Yeah, we're friends."

---

That's it; thanks so much for reading through my vent piece! Don't forget to like, share, and follow - this will be rare. My other pieces are joyful and sensational!

If you or someone you know is in a situation like this, here are some resources: https://988lifeline.org/ (USA) & https://talksuicide.ca/ (Canada).

#keeponwriting!