Dreams of the Dying

We do not exist for ourselves. As Guardians, our chosen duty is to guide the souls of the world to their final resting points. At first, it was only Peraxyus who had sought something more than what we were gifted with in Afterlife. They were the first that aimed to, somehow, create an order to this realm. Now, there are many of us who serve the upper levels of the Sky Palace and the lower cities of Infernum. Many who went in search of an answer but were only met with more questions. We made a home for ourselves in what can be considered the neutral level. Here lies the edge of Peliad Forest, an enchanted place that hides secrets even we have yet to uncover. Then there’s the most recognizable area of this level, the Cliffside. Where the suns above, and the moon beneath meet the sea; the small piece of the neutral level all souls will see and have seen. Here, souls can take in the span of the lives they’d left behind, and ponder their new existence in Afterlife.

Having seen it all, the caves within the Cliffside feel more like home than anything else. ‘Home’, the word itself has set me on edge. What is home? Have I been here long enough to call anywhere my home? My essence is over 50,000 Juman years old. I was a dragon in my prime when my mortal life was taken by heat and a flash of light. I don’t remember if I had a family, I never found any in Afterlife but, come to think of it, I was never really looking. I don’t remember that life, not a face or silhouette to remind me of the years I spent amongst the living. My only memory of that life is being plucked by an angel with dark purple wings, who brought my essence to the Cliffside.

“Ainorah,” the angel said, “Come with me.” My body moved of its own accord trailing after those magical wings. I knew I was bigger than most things, but this…being felt so much bigger than me. “You died, you felt very little pain before your soul left your mortal casing. I came and got you shortly after.” It said plainly.

“Dead?” I asked, “But how?”

“Does it matter?” The being drawled, “This is what some would call a second life, you may do as you wish.” They glanced at me once more before stepping off the Cliffside. Those wings lifted them into the sky as it gave way and bent to fold them into the clouds. While I lived, I knew very little of the world. Now that I’d died, could I see it? After a moment of watching the suns rise and set, the moon beneath revolving around them as dusk gives way to dawn, I’d come to a decision. Venturing into the trees behind me, I set off to find answers to the questions that were plaguing me; and the best way to get answers, after all, was to search for them.

That was my beginning. I lived in the Sky Palace, toured the lower cities of Infernum, visited unmarked places and unclaimed lands. When I became satisfied after a millennia of mystery, I decided it was time. I flew to the edge of Peliad Forest, landing on the Cliffside that I’d been placed on all those centuries ago, and waited for them. “Peri,” I thought into the wind. “Peri, I have a question.”

“What is it?” Drawled a voice from behind me.

“Peri, I’ve done it all, seen it all, is there no more to death than limitless freedom?” I start.

“You wish for chains?” Peri smirks at me, studying the feathers on one of their wings, “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

I inhale deeply, steeling myself, “I don’t remember who I used to be, what I used to do or like. My existence has become an aimless game of ‘turn over every rock’ but what comes after it all? When your soul is heavy with life and death, what more can we transcend? And then, it hit me.” I turn my head fully towards Peri, tilting it in thought, “Peri, what exactly do you do?” I ask.

At this Peri lifted their gaze, quirked an eyebrow and sighed. “I guard life, and usher in death. Mortals are born and mortals die, that is the rhythm of my existence.”

“What else?” I ask.

“What exactly do you mean?” They question. Peri walks over to the Cliffside crouching to sit on the soft grass. I settle down and rest my head on my front legs, folding my wings tightly around me, the wind blowing between us.

“Peri, you brought me to Afterlife and told me to go forth and be merry.” I pause, “Then you disappeared like petals on the wind, floating from one station to the next. Have you never had any help? Any rest? Peri, have you ever had a friend?” Peri stills, turning slowly towards the sky, their wings dipping just enough for the purple tips to brush the ground.

“You wish to assist me.” It wasn’t a question.

“I wish to know you, Peri. I did as you commanded, went off and sought everything I could think of, and even some things I could not. Now my soul, my very self is heavy with answers, all save for one. What of your legacy?” At this Peri turned and leveled their gaze at me,

“You do realize we’re dead, the time for legacy has since passed.” they say.

“Are you? Dead, I mean. I hadn’t realized, I assumed you immortal. So, this isn’t all you’ve ever known.” I ponder out loud.

“I was never mortal in the way you were, perhaps, but yes there is a ‘before’ in my history,” Peri starts.

“My name is Peraxyus. I have been here far longer than I remember, and I have served the souls of this place since shortly after my arrival. When I awoke here,” Peri pauses, once again looking out at the moon beneath. “This place was as it is now, but there was no one to guide us lost souls. No one to sort the tainted from the emerging. So, like you, once my existence claimed everything I could dream of, it dreamt of something more.”

“You are like me?” I ask.

“Yes, our souls are kin it seems. The desire to know more, even in death, sprouted in us both. I can show you what I do, and maybe one day your essence will bend just enough to learn to do it too.” Peri rises, dusting off the blades of grass sticking to their robes.

“But be warned, this is all there is for the likes of us. The constant shimmer of appearing and disappearing, of creation and death, rebirth and destruction.” Those were the last words Peri spoke before we took to the skies, flying towards the waves of time.

That is how I came to become a Guardian, a gatherer of souls. I learned to travel between the ripples of time itself, entering and exiting different pockets of space. I guided souls to their domains, gifted the ancient ones with the choice of rebirth or coalescence. I ended the souls too damned to walk the caverns of Infernum, and through it all I found a life in death; until today. Again, I started to feel the monotony of my chosen role. I thought the point of living was to die, and when I died I was sure of it as I uncovered wonders I could never have imagined while alive. Rivers that sing, skies that bleed, mountains of ice that burn as fiercely as an open flame. I’ve met souls of all kinds, Jumans, Faerys, Giants. None of them compared to the magic of this place, to the peace we all felt, or the terror for those inhabiting the cities of Infernum. The souls who reside there live out their sins by reliving the causes of their evil, and then experiencing the very evil they inflicted on others. Sometimes there is reform, not often but I have seen that change in death is possible. We are not frozen within the beings we were as flesh and bone.

I first noticed how alone we are in death. Most souls keep to themselves, some wait for loved ones that have yet to cross into the unknown. Others build bonds with each other creating a family they never knew they needed, or maybe the one they wanted all along. My soul was meant to wander, to reach the furthest corners of creation and find the meaning of death. But after relentless searching, of guarding and guiding, I feel no closer to the answer I seek. What if Death, like Life, just is? What if there is no point to any of it? Was I wrong to pester Peri, wrong to join them in flight? Are we meant to question death? My mind will not cease with these endless questions. I heave a deep sigh, moving the tops of the trees with my breath. Such fragility, even in death.

“Hello” I hear a small voice say from behind me, disturbing the string of consciousness that threatens to swallow me whole. I lift my head, turn slowly, and see no one. I couldn’t have imagined it. Has a soul followed me out to the cliffside? They rarely journey back here after their introduction to Afterlife. It is the neutral level, all there is to see is the Cliffside, the expanse of sky and the system of caves Peri introduced the Guardians to as we all sought more after death. “Down here, Mr. Dragon!” I hear.

I angle my head a little lower and standing just off in the trees is a small Juman child, female by the scent of her. “I am not a Mr. Dragon, my name is Ainorah and I am female. Are you lost, child?” The children are the hardest to collect, seeing them stuck in their innocence makes it hard to imagine what horrors befell them before we appeared to guide them to their final resting place.

“Ain-wha? Nope, I think I’ll call you…” the child tilts her head towards the sky and taps her foot as she thinks.

“Soul, I asked if you-” I start to say,

“Rin! I’ll call you Rin, that’s what you look like. I’m Gigi, and I don’t think I’m lost, I fell asleep and woke up here. It’s so pretty here. Hey Rin, where is here?” The child will not stop talking, and the speed with which she wields her tongue makes me think she’s close to biting it off.

“This is the Cliffside, where we bring most souls before they move on.” I explain. Surely her Guardian must be close by, shouldn't they have stayed with her? It’s not like Peri stayed with me, but this soul is so very young. I should give the child a chance to explain, “Sou- Gigi, who brought you here?”

Gigi tilts her head in a way that makes me feel scrutinized, “I told you, I fell asleep and this is where I woke up, no one brought me here.” She says as she starts to walk closer to the Cliffside. “So pretty, are there always two suns?” She asks as she takes in the sky with awe.

“Yes.” I answer cautiously, I am not yet sure how this soul came to be, or if this soul even should be. I’ll have to ask Peri. “There is the rising sun, the setting sun, and the moon that lies beneath. Sometimes they shift but they, like everything else in this place, are constant.”

Gigi studies me and looks out at the sky once more, “Wow, can I see it closer?” she asks.

“I’m not sure what you mean.” What is this child asking of me?

“I want to fly. On your back…if that’s okay. Daddy says you should always ask permission for things you want. And I want to fly, please.” She says as a matter of fact. Fly? On my back? In all my years of life and death I don’t think I’ve ever been asked such a thing. And all to see the suns? I glance down at Gigi; I take in her dark blue night gown and her bare feet, traveling up the length to her face and the dark hair that frames it. It’s then that I see the wonder in her eyes. Would she be able to see what I’ve seen with only her own two feet to guide her? In any event, it’s not like I can ponder my crisis with a lost soul at my back.

I shift my teeth into what some might call a smile, Gigi grimaces but doesn’t shy away. “Hop on” I say, angling one of my wings so that she can climb it. At the sound of those words Gigi turns and beams at me. For just a second I can almost see the answer I’ve been looking for. But as soon as that thought surges it empties my mind as Gigi scrambles up my side, using the grooves in my scales as hand and foot holds. “Sit between the blades of my wings, and hold onto one of my spines.” I tell her.

“You mean the black spikes right here?” She yells and I feel her tap the base of the spine closest to my wings, it tickles but I resist.

“Yes, let me know when you’re holding on tightly” I say. I feel a small body sidle up to my spine, arms and legs wrapping around it for as tight a hold as she can bear.

“READY!” she announces loudly.

I shift my head slightly so that I can see her in my peripherals, “You know, when you’re this close to my ears, you don’t have to shout.” I say ambling up and stretching my fore and back legs, rolling my neck, and resisting the urge to shake off the weight that is so pointedly trying to squeeze the life out of me.

“Oh, sorry, ready.” Gigi whispers, giggling to herself. I can’t help but smile as I look toward the sky. Walking slowly towards the edge, I stand at the precipice.

“Whatever you do Gigi, don’t look down.” And I step off the edge falling into nothing.

A shrill scream almost knocks me off balance, spreading my wings and inviting the wind to lift us up, I begin to hear whooping instead.

“LET’S GOOOO!” Gigi shouts, she’s laughing hysterically as we finally bank and glide towards the never ending sky. From here, you can see the moon that brightens Infernum, the mystic sea that meets land at the base of the Cliffside, the tops of the Sky Palace and the few souls who flutter around their dwellings.

Taking her higher up, flapping my wings to guide us up I hear a “Wow, so pretty. Is this how you always see the world? I wish I could fly forever.” She sighs,

“It is quite beautiful isn’t it?” I say as I hover above the clouds, allowing this small child to take in the view. The rising sun is now bowing to the setting sun, taking the dawn with it and introducing its few bright stars and endless dusk. After a few moments, I bank back to the Cliffside, where I land as softly as I can, lowering my wings and allowing Gigi to crawl off my back.

“That. Was. Wonderful!” She exclaims as her bare feet touch the grass beneath us. I right myself and turn slightly so I can see her. Sitting back on my hind legs, there’s something wrong with the child in front of me. Gigi sees me studying her and squints her eyes as she looks down at herself. Her hands are transparent and her nightgown flutters in an invisible wind.

“Oh, I guess it’s time to go home. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow Rin!” she says as she waves. The longer I look at her the less there is to see. I’m not sure how this is happening, I rise to approach her but by the time I stand, she’s gone. I walk a few steps to the edge of the Cliffside just to make sure she didn’t fall over. I look towards the opening of Peliad Forest, maybe she ran away before I could notice? This is definitely something to ask Peri about. I’ve never seen a soul disappear, maybe she has a home here? As the twilight of the setting sun fully overtakes the land, I decide that that is a conversation for another time. Until then, my cave awaits. Souls do not gather themselves, after all. Or can they?

The rising sun begins to soar above the sky once more; the setting sun joining the moon beneath. After the strange occurrence with that peculiar child, I went about gathering more souls. Following the thread of the dead and escorting them out of the land of the living. It is thankless work, as some of the souls we gather have been dead for quite some time and have begun to wander amongst the living. We try to ride the waves of time quick enough to get to them but some souls just refuse to die; like some that refuse to live. The ones yearning to be whisked away by a skeletal, hooded reaper.

I learned from Peri that we don’t always appear as we were, or as we are to ourselves. Some souls choose to see whatever illusion they wish, they accept and acknowledge our existence but some minds are so fragile they carry the veil with them, even in death. To many I seem to be a Juman woman, a giant, or a nymph dressed in clouds. It is only to Peri, and to Gigi now, that I appear as I was when I lived. A dragon of old, sentry of the oldest race in my world, they called us messengers for the gods, demons of the underlord. These are the thoughts I contemplate as I ride the wave of time that leads me back into Afterlife. Soaring above the cliffside I prepare to land, to rest and bask under the rising sun while it lasts.

“Riiiiiiiin! Hey, Rin! Hello up there!” I hear a voice yell up at me. Settling upon the edge of the Cliffside I glance towards the expanse of trees that make up the forest and see Gigi running towards me. She stops just short of my front leg and I move my face a bit closer to hers.

Panting, she puts her hands on both knees to catch her breath . “Rin! You look so good up there” she manages to say in between pants.

“Catch your breath, child.” I say fighting the amusement in my chest.

“My name’s not ‘child’ it’s Gigi, remember?” She asks while adjusting her nightgown, it’s a dark pink today.

I sigh, making her hair flutter with the movement, “My apologies, Gigi.” I say, inclining my head in a mock bow.

“It’s okay” she says as she puts a hand up to my snout. I huff a snort, Gigi giggles and pats me anyway.

“Where did you run off to yesterday?” I ask.

“Yesterday? I wasn’t here yesterday, I haven’t seen you in over a month!” She exclaims.

“Time is relative child, it does not exist where we are. For me, I saw you just yesterday even if, for you, weeks have gone by. Lost souls do tend to wander.” I explain to her.

“This isn’t the afterlife, if this is the afterlife where’s God? Are you God?” she asks, peering up at me through squinted eyes.

“You see what you choose to see here, I am not God but I do guard what some would call his home. Do I look like God to you, Gigi?” I ask, fighting the laughter churning in my throat.

“No, you’re a big dragon. I see you Rin, just you. So this can’t be the afterlife if there is no God. Just a very pretty dream.” she states. I huff a laugh, no use in arguing with that logic, it seems she’s made up her mind. I rise up on all four legs, stretching my wings and my neck straight up to the sky. “Rin you’re like a big glittery black Diamond, you know that?” Gigi says wistfully as I come out of the stretch.

I begin to make my way towards the forest, turning my head to look back at Gigi, “Most people only see what they want to see, but you really can see me, can’t you?” I ask with a shake of my head.

She rushes to catch up to me, “Of course silly, you’re right there and you’re huge! See?” She puts a small hand up to my clawed paw, her hand barely covering just one of my scales. “Anyway,” she says as she removes her hand, “What are we gonna do today?” And with those words something new and unfamiliar began to bloom, something I couldn’t quite put a name to just yet.

Taking care of Gigi just seemed like the right thing to do until I found the chance to talk to Peri. “What would you like to do?” I asked. Gigi looks up at me with glittering eyes and whispers, “Everything.”

For the next six days, Gigi appeared and disappeared like clockwork. True to my word, I tried to show her everything. We spent the days doing my favorite things, lounging in the tallest of trees, soaring above the waterfalls of melodies and song, picking fruit off the trees in the Peliad Forest. She even showed me a few new things. She taught me to play hide and seek, make shapes out of clouds, and splash around in the starlight lagoon. I’d been enjoying our time so much I’d forgotten that Gigi was not supposed to be here.

When she disappeared on the sixth rising of the setting sun I’d made a choice. I wanted to find a way for her to stay, to have a home away from home, wherever ‘home’ was for her. In such a short time, this young soul gave me something I’d forgotten long ago; she was a family I’d never known. So, I set to hollowing out the trunks of trees, enlisted the help of a few souls with nimble fingers to make the child a house amongst the trees. I’d had them add a ladder for the days I could not fly her in. Soft rugs and heavy curtains to keep the twilight breeze away, that is if she ever stayed. It was finished in the blink of an eye, all that was left was to present it to Gigi.

“Ainorah,” I hear from behind me, I turn and face the voice,

“Peri! I’ve been meaning to find you.” I say.

“I know, that’s what I’m here about.” They say somberly, “I think we should talk”.

This time when Gigi faded, she would not be coming back. I had learned that Gigi was not the one who was lost, she was the soul that found me, she was the answer to the age old question I’d once asked Peri. ‘What of your legacy?’ I hadn’t known it then, had been dead too long to remember that the answer to everything was love. I glanced at the sky that felt like it was setting on me for the first time, and turned away from it. I begin meandering slowly towards the treehouse I built for her.

Gigi was dying, here but not. I could be nothing more than her imaginary friend according to Peri. “She doesn’t know,” Peri said. “Some souls find their way here all on their own. She disappears when she is conscious in the waking world. But sleep is a weakened state. Her soul wishes to fade but life still has a hold on her.”

I weigh this against all that I’ve learned of the small soul I’ve come to care for, “Is there nothing to be done? Her soul is what still clings to life, not the other way around.”

Peri studies me for what feels like an eternity, “There are two ways. You let her go, or make her stay.”

“I don’t understand,” I say.

Peri continues, “Give her the gift of rebirth, in her current state it should give her just enough life to stave off the plague that ails her. It will help her stay on the other side. But, if you make her stay in Afterlife until the rising sun meets the moon beneath, she will surely die and remain in this realm forever.”

Ultimately, I chose to let her go and hold onto the moments she existed on this plane. The truth is she does not belong here, and moments ago, unbeknownst to her, I sent her away.

“This is for you, Gigi.” I say using my wings to gesture towards a lone tree in a field of flowers. “Forget-me-nots?” she utters in amused confusion. “How could I ever forget you, you’re my best friend!” She says giggling, skipping towards the grand tree in the center of the field.

“And I’ll never forget you my dear girl.” I say softly. The farther she skipped the less of her I could see, the more my soul tightened with emotions I hadn’t realized still existed within me. This was the Field of Rebirth, and instead of the house I made for her, she was heading toward the Tree of Life. I could not go, for my life had ended, and it was not yet time for my soul to once again be flesh and bone. But Gigi, she finally gets to go and stay home.

“See you tomorrow, Rin!” She yells as she turns to wave, the final lights of her soul flickering until she slowly fades out of view.

That was mere hours ago. I have been sitting at the base of the tree I hollowed out for her ever since she disappeared. The rising sun met the moon beneath and it is the setting sun that softly shines on my wings. It is time to return to the purpose I’d once chosen for myself. I rise, without the energy to fly, and begin to walk through Peliad Forest, back to the Cliffside.

As I approach the edge of the forest, I see Peri standing close to the precipice of the cliff in the distance. They turn to me and a woman walks out from underneath their wing. “A new soul it seems,” I think to myself as I move closer to them. An old woman with dark hair streaked with gray, fine lines from all the laughter she must have faced.

“Hello Rin,” the woman says. I take a step back, my wings flaring open to cover my stumble.

“Peri, did you tell this new soul my name?” I demand.

“No, Ainorah,” Peri says pointedly, a smile in their voice, “There is only one who calls you such.” They say. The woman steps forward and begins to speak, and through the confusion I do my best to listen.

“Time is relative. For you, I know it must have only been a few hours, but for me, those dreams gave my life an extra 50 years. Rin, when we met I was dying. You believed me to be a lost soul without placement and I swore you were the most beautiful fever dream. It wasn’t until just yesterday, when I left and lived an entire lifetime, that I realized how real you and all of this was. I lay on my deathbed for the second time and remembered my dearest friend. A dragon with black wings that shimmer like gold in the sun.” The woman pauses, and walks closer to me. Do souls burst? Because I might just explode. I lower my head so that we are eye level, she stops a hair's breadth away from my snout and I’m compelled to ask, “Soul, what is your name?”

The woman smiles, “Sage Parluz, but my loved ones call me Gigi.” Tremors of joy begin to rock my body, replacing the pangs of grief.

I spread my wings as far as they will go, “Come.” Gigi, as she is now, walks over to me and wraps her arms around the base of my throat, and as she does I close my wings around her the tightest they’ll go.

“Peri told me I lived because of you. Because you gave me the gift of rebirth. Thank you, but now, I am where I want to be.” Gigi whispers into my neck. I open one of my wings slightly to let the sea breeze ruffle her hair, glancing over at Peri who is staring at us with a sheen of wetness in their eyes.

“Now you understand that we do not exist just for ourselves.” Peraxyus shakes off the emotion that threatens to spill from their eyes, running their hands over their robes and turning to take flight once more. Climbing atop the precipice of the Cliffside, the very same spot they stood when they left me here all those eons ago. Though, this time, when Peri turns to look at me, to look at us, smiling softly as they take to the sky, I hear a whisper on the wind,

“Welcome home, Rin.”