Do I Wanna Know?

Her skin reminds me of a perfect porcelain doll, the kind that are collectors items and never are taken out of the suffocating packaging.

Her stained red lips remind me of the cans of coke she drinks, but never finishes because, "Too many empty calories that I don't dare want to count."

Her painted eyes that make her look like an exquisite London model, never letting anyone see her without the delicately drawn lines.

Her black bangs, shielding the sunlight and masking herself, making her more intriguing and mysterious by night.

Delilah.

Who is Delilah? Who is this girl that I can't get out of my head?

She's the one who keeps me up at night, making me imagine scenarios that I know will never happen.

She's the one who makes me feel this- this desire for her. Pure desire. She is all that I want, ever.

I'm so infatuated with the thought of her being mine, of me being the one she runs to when she's sad or angry or hurt by the words another has spit at her delicate figure.

I imagine a time where we will be together, just her and I, we will be walking along the beach and she'll look at me carefully. "Michael?" She'll hum and I'll look at her in response, urging her to go on. "I.." She'll be nervous and bite her lip because I assume she does that. "I love you." She'll say so perfectly and magically I'll have no reason not to say it back because I am so incredibly infatuated with this girl.

There was a time when that magical moment could have happened outside of my messy mind. Delilah had invited me over for dinner and a movie, at her house while her parents were away and I went, thinking this was my only shot to get the girl of my dreams. Halfway through our movie she turned to me. "Have you ever been kissed, Michael?" She sounded so innocent and pure, the opposite of my thoughts at the worst of times. I looked down at her, plump lips and eyes that reminded me of the ocean and I swear I could drown in them if I hadn't already. "Yes, I have." I simply replied. She huffed like a child who didn't get their promised deserts after a meal. "Well," Delilah sighed. "Have you ever been kissed like this?" She then put her two porcelain legs on either side of my begging body. Begging for her touch, her warmth, her comfort, her. She flipped her soft, dark as night hair to one side and looked at me in my eyes, searching desperately for a response. I was too shocked and relieved that she thought of me in any other way than a friend that I didn't give her one. I smiled a dumb smile, one that may be in her memory forever, and then she kissed me like I had never been kissed before. The contact itself made me let out an involuntary moan and oh God do I wish I had savored the moment because it was over before I knew it was happening. She got off my lap and cuddled up next to me like my cat did sometimes when he was lonely. Then she told me she was tired and politely asked me to leave.

But I know she might still want me and I plan on asking her in the simplest of ways as soon as I can get the courage to.

Because what if she doesn't want me in the way I want her? Completely and utterly mine and me as hers.

Do I wanna know if she doesn't have feelings for me or should I keep myself wrapped up in this daydream I have of this perfect girl?

Do I wanna know if she's not how I imagined her this entire time?

Maybe I can intoxicate myself and work up the simplest sentence to perform to her, and if anything goes wrong I will blame it on the alcohol. Or maybe I'll drug myself up, even though Delilah herself is a drug. She's heroin for the mind, body and soul. I can't get enough of her, but I don't think she wants any more of me.

The worst kind of love or lust or infatuation with someone is when you realize they don't want you the way you want them. And when you realize that, you realize they are someone that you can't and will never have. Then what's the point of this infatuation you've had over this person for God knows how long? You have to find a way to get over this person, or a way to slither your way back into their hearts like a snake, slithering towards their prey.

Slow and Steady.

But even when you're back in, do you wanna know what's on their mind? Do you wanna know if the feelings goes both ways?

Do I wanna know?