Detachment

When I dropped the baby into the toxic river, I felt a small twinge inside my chest. It felt strange, like a stinging pinch that left me grasping my chest, but as quickly as it came it faded. It made me recall a story I heard about from granny who would tell elaborate stories of humans who had emotions. It was a story that was very dull but it left an impression on me, because that was the first time I had heard the word “sad.” And it took my brothers and I hours to try to understand what sad meant. Grandma said that it was a pain you felt in your chest, but we felt that all the time when the Pacis Ordo would inject us with vitamins. So were we sad then?

As I saw the baby quickly drown into the black water, I walk back to the mother who is staring blankly at the sky with her legs spread open as blood soaks everywhere on the dirt.

“Is she dead?” I ask Riley.

“I think so, her pulse is gone,” she replies as she gathers her supplies.

“Huh, maybe we could’ve kept the baby and sold it for vegetables in the highlands.”

“Yeah, but she said she wanted it dead, so.”

“It is what is”

“We should start looking for plants starting tomorrow, I heard it’s going to be boiling next month.”

“You’ve been listening to that witch too much. It doesn’t get hotter, it just depends on how much work we do.”

“Maybe, but maybe it is getting hotter. The tomatoes I was growing by the cave haven’t given fruit in almost a year.”

“That’s because those damn insects eat it up, now help me with the body.”

Riley grabs the women's legs and I grab her upper body. Her eyes are still open as we walk her to the river and something in me made me want to close them. But it must be grannies' stories getting to me.

We approach the river and see some corpses floating. Some are badly decomposed and others are just bloated like clouds. We swing her in and she splashes in like a rock.

Currently Riley and I live in a cave in the canyon. Before there were ten of us, but after one heat wave we were only left with granny, Arturo, Riley and I. The rest collapsed on the dirt. Arturo never made it back from his plant scourging adventure one day and granny passed away in her sleep. She was the hardest to throw in the river since she was a big woman.

As we approach the cave the sun is now setting and I decide to go visit Lilith, the witch.

“Liam, if you keep going to that witch, you’re going to turn like her,” Riley tells me as I head out again.

“Craziness is not contagious,” I reply as I leave the cave.

Lilith is only about a 30 minute hike away, she lives by the furthest creek. Her place is by far the coolest place to hang around, but other wanderers are afraid of her because of her constant nonsense blabbering, I find it intriguing.

Lilith is by the creek talking to herself as usual, and as I approach her she gets hit by a spear from above. I look up and see the damn stealers..they found her. Shit.

I run to Lilith as she drops to the floor and I quickly swoop her over my shoulder and sprint towards the curving creek.

“Lilith, it’s okay, I got you!” I scream at her as I run even faster to who knows where. She is gasping for air and I can tell she’s not going to make it. I find a quick slope down the canyon and decide to go down it. Lilith's dark long hair slaps my face as I try to maneuver down the canyon slope. I know the stealers won’t follow us since all they care about is valuables, but I don’t want them finding me and following me back to my cave.

Once I'm down the slope, I put Lilith down onto the dirt. Her eyes are fading and the blood is gushing everywhere.

My chest starts to ache.

“L-lilith! Stay with me, let me try to find a route back to Riley and we can get you sewed up,” I tell her as I’m about to run back to the canyon.

She grabs my shirt and pulls me towards her.

“I-I knew you were different,” her raspy voice says.

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“You care..”

“What?”

I don’t get what she means by care, but I believe that’s my job. Riley and I go around finding others who are pregnant and help them with labor. Not sure if that’s caring, but we receive plenty of supplies because of it. There are only a few of us who carry weapons that use it to help others.

“You are different, I knew it all along.”

“Look Lilith, you’re bleeding a lot, I need to go, I'll be back-”

“If it was anyone else, they would have left me dying. But you came for me. You care about me. You know what it means? You have emotions.”

I look at her even more confused, emotions? No. Emotions don’t exist. They are myths told by the elders. But she does have one thing right, why did I come to help her? No one does that. If you see someone getting attacked, you mind your business. No one helps no one for free. It’s not a normal thing to do.

“I see it in you Liam. Your emotions in your eyes. I see you have them, just like me.” Lilith says as she extends her hand towards my face. Her touch is warm, and it makes my chest feel sick with pain.

I pull away.

“You feel that? That’s emotion.” she continues.

“Impossible. You’re sounding like granny. Emotions don’t exist, they never have..”

“They do, they are just suppressed by the Pacis Ordo…”

“The Pacis Ordo? They help us. They give us vitamins, they provide for us,” I reply.

“You haven’t figured it out yet? You’re smart Liam, think. Why do they only show up once a year? Why does no one know where they live? Why do they look so clean all the time? Where do they make these injections?”

“Because they are different breeds of humans. They are built differently than us, they are stronger and more powerful.”

“No...Liam. They are the same as us.” Lilith says as she blinks slowly, I can tell her final breath is coming, yet she’s wasting it on telling me some mythical story.

“Listen to me Liam..the next time the Pacis Ordo comes, take this before getting injected..” she says and points towards her front pocket on her breast. I fumble as I reach in her pocket and pull out a heart shaped locket. It’s made out of a strange shiny metal which is heavy and cool to the touch.

“Don’t forget, take it right before they inject you and you’ll see...you’ll see I’m right..” she whispers...and her eyes go dim.

She’s gone.

I let her hand go, and contemplate whether I want to carry her to the toxic river or just leave her here. I decide to leave her here because I don't want to see...no I don’t want to carry her.

I walk back to her place, and see the stealers have raided her tent..

One Month Later.

The Pacis Ordo come on their usual schedule. They arrive in a massive machine with round objects which move, and I notice that it looks like the same metal as the locket.

They come out in their regular white plastic gear making them look like plastic tubes. The wanderers line up in a cordial fashion as no one speaks but you can tell some of us are jittery since we haven’t received our vitamins since last year. One by one we walk up to the Pacis Ordo and they inject us with our vitamins. They announced that this year the vitamins are stronger so we could survive longer. Which is great news, lately everyone has been dying quickly because of the heat waves.

But I keep Lilith in mind, she was delusional, so who knows what those pills in the heart locket are. But her memory, the memory of her makes me trust her.

I’m behind Riley, and I see her straighten herself up for it, because it does cause some aches on your chest. The Pacis Ordo in our line is tall, and I can see through his tinted glass mask that he is an older Pacis Ordo because of the wrinkles around his eyes. He grabs the clear liquid needle and injects Riley in the chest. She gasps but as she walks away her sense of tension goes away.

I have the pill from the locket under my tongue and as I step up for my vitamin, I swallow it. The Pacis Ordo injects me, and I grab my chest as I walk away. But this time I don’t feel the vitamins spread through me. I don’t feel anything in my veins, I don’t feel the sense of calmness in me that I usually do.

Instead as we walk back to the cave, I keep feeling worse and worse. What’s in that pill?

The next month I knew something was wrong, because I woke up crying. And that’s only something we do when we have had physical contact with something or someone.

“Liam, what hit you?” Riley asks.

“I-I’m not sure. I just feel so ..so..weird.”

“Maybe you have contracted a virus.”

“Impossible...I feel fine, but my insides are just...everywhere.”

Riley stares blankly at me and points outside. Which means, walk away and don’t spread it to her.

As I leave the cave, I feel the pain inside me increase, it's overwhelming and suffocating. And that’s when it hits me... I think of Lilith and the tears come pouring, then I think of granny and all of sudden I'm on my knees.

“Riley! Riley!” I scream.

She comes running with a knife ready to fight.

I turn around and I embrace her with my arms.

“Riley...granny died..she died. And-and we all died in the heat wave. Everyone just died. And we threw them in the toxic river!” I manically whisper in tears.

Riley pushes me off of her, and holds me still.

“What about it?” she replies with a blank face.

“I mean..I mean they’re dead! And we couldn’t save them. I miss them!” I scream, but I'm not sure what I'm saying, it doesn’t make sense.

“You’re starting to sound like that witch you hanged out with..”

“No..no. That's not it. I just..I’m just remembering and I can't..Oh god, the babies, the babies we’ve killed...oh god. They’re in the river. We have to go! We have to go save them!” I scream and sprint away from her but she doesn’t follow me.

“Cmon!” I scream. But Riley stares at me and walks back to the cave.

I run, I run like I'm in danger, but I'm not. I'm fine. I'm fine.

No. No, I'm not fine. The pinch in my chest grows, the tears keep coming, the pain is not physical, it's inside me.

When I get to the edge of the cliff I look up at the burning sun..and it hits me like an injection.

“-I. I am. I am feeling..”