Déjà vu

Always being pulled shut lazily, the curtains had a habit of never fully closing. The morning light had just began to fall through the gap, making particles of dust look as though they were waltzing through the air. Every morning started the exact same. It stood still; the outside world still asleep. And then just like clockwork he rolled over. I have about two minutes of watching the sun dance on his face before he woke up. My favourite moment of every single day. His eyes open, dazed by the bright sun. I watch him, entranced by the colours of his now waking eyes. Burnt pools of honey staring back at me. Filled with so much…soul? The familiarity of his eyes still giving me butterflies, this is what is feels like to be falling in love. And for a moment, it’s like maybe he remembers who I am. Then like a switch turning off the moments over, the soul in his eyes disappear, still the colour of honey but now somewhat colder. A feeling of uneasy washes over me, this is the moment I hate of everyday. As the sun has finished rising and reality sets in.

It’s been three whole months of living this same day. The first two weeks I spent screaming at Luke to remember we had done this all before. Begging him to realise that we were stuck in a never-ending loop. He had begun to fade. No longer seeing me in his…loop. The whole of our life is spent wondering what is beyond this life. An afterlife? Heaven or hell? Being reborn? Turns out its way more complicated. Some sort of… stimulation, I guess. We aren’t fake, but we are also not completely real. We have some sort of free will, but with guidance on how things should be. Or at least we used to. The system broke about three months ago. Before then there had been several ‘glitches’, a couple days that had seemingly repeated themselves. Severe feelings of déjà vu, as if we had done things before. Then it was three days in a row, every single one of them exactly the same as the last. When I told Luke, he assumed I had just been overworking. Told me needed to take some holiday off of work. On the third day I knew, even if I were crazy; there is absolutely no way I would have made this up. However, no one I spoke to had experienced it. Then it all went back to normal for about a month. No weird occurrences, no déjà vu, no do overs. It began feeling like a distant memory of a weird time. Then it broke. Really broke. We woke up and lived the first day, then the second. And then every single day since. An endless loop of the same crappy day, over and over and over.

I’d tried it all during the day. But I had a new idea, the only time I hadn’t tried to pull him back to me. During the night. It seems crazy, matter of fact I don’t even know if I can wake him up, will he just sleep through and continue that part of the loop as normal.

3am of the next night hit. I shake him, his body feels heavy. He’s in a deep sleep, worlds away from me. I continue to shake him and for a moment his eyes begin to stir. Momentarily they open lazily. He mumbles something that turns into a yawn and turns over and goes back to sleep. I shake him again, this time the urgency is strong, this can be done.

“Wake up, please, please, please wake up!” I begged him.

He begins to stir again, barely opening his eyes when he speaks.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

And just like that he’s asleep again. I shouldn’t be here? Be where? We’re at home in bed in the middle of the night. Had I really just spoke to Luke, or did I force the loop into a dream scenario that needed playing out for the loop to continue.

The next day I decided to go for a walk. Walking helped me to forget that my life has become a day with no end and no new beginning. I walked and I walked. Lost in my thoughts, on complete autopilot, hardly recognising where my feet were even taking me. When I can back into reality, I was stood in front of a graffitied wall, with a giant number 64 on. I didn’t really pay much attention to where I was or how I got there, or even why I was zoned out looking at this damn wall. I take in my surroundings and head the way of home. As soon as I turned the next corner my focus was drawn into a boat on somebody’s driveway. Nothing out of the ordinary, other than the fact it had a sticky label on the window. Number 12. Ok…it doesn’t mean anything. I stood still for a moment, until the house across the street caught my eye. Number 44. The door number was unlike any other on the street. It was painted in giant black print on a pristine white background. A strange feeling came over me. Like a coldness had entered my body and was rapidly travelling through me trying to find a way out. I crossed the road and made my way down an alleyway. A crumpled-up scratch card caught my eye. I tried to ignore it I really did. But usually, you scratch the whole of a scratch card before throwing it away. But not this one. This one had one number scratched out twice. 36. Twice. The rest of the card untouched. This couldn’t have been a mistake seeing these numbers. 64, 12, 44, 36. In that order. I figured; just pay attention. If these numbers are finding me, the ‘universe’ or whoever is running this show, is definitely going out of their way to show them to me. On the way home I only saw one more number. 1. On the side of a bus stop, in the place of where an advert should be. A simple 1, no other information. Just black text on a white background. Is someone out there really trying to tell me something or is this it. Have I finally lost my mind in this place? Overthinking things that shouldn’t have even been seen? I got home, showered, and went to bed. Not one part of me wanted to try to interact again with Luke today. I couldn’t bare him looking through me again. I missed my husband; he was smart and thoughtful. He’d know what to do with these damn numbers. He’d be able to save us because that’s what he was good at.

It was 3am when something stirred me. My once peacefully sleeping shell of a husband was sat upright in bed. Eyes closed but sat bolt upright. This was eery to say the least. Even out of the loop he never really moved much in his sleep. Always a peaceful sleeper. I moved to in front of him. Now eye level with him, hands on his cheeks and telling him to lay back down. His eyes flashed open. Not soulful and warm, but cold and empty. It wasn’t him. Maybe he was sleep walking. I pushed him back, hoping he would simply lay back down and go back to sleep, but he didn’t budge. He sat like this for what felt like a lifetime, staring into nothingness, but it had only been several minutes at the most. His eyes gazing around the room as if he were looking for something. That’s when he gained focus on me. Looking straight at me, not through me but at me, but at me with full attention. For a second, I’m sure that it was him again, until a voice left his mouth that wasn’t his. It was echoey, robotic and unfamiliar.

“The locket.”

Then as quickly as he had sat up, he had laid back down and was peacefully asleep once again. My locket? Was he just dreaming about a memory? Maybe the system was glitched in reality and dreams, maybe he was living inside multiple memories. He had brought me a locket on our first valentines together. Inside a picture of us from our first date. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it meant everything to me. I took it off to sleep every night as it had tendencies to get caught in my hair. Whilst I slept, I kept it on the bedside table. I laid back down, knowing I wasn’t going to be falling back to sleep anytime soon. I stared at it. Wondering what it is that he had been dreaming about… That’s when sickening feeling fell into the pits of my stomach. Whose voice had just left my husband’s mouth. Who was it that was looking at me? Who the hell was asleep in this bed next to me? Just like Luke had done just moments before I sat bolt upright. Now with prickles of fear running over my skin. I felt like I was being watched. Seen for the first time in months. I glanced at Luke who was soundly still asleep. Then to the poorly closed curtains, the gap where I could see the outside, expecting a face looking back at me. Nothing. I laid back down. With clammy hands and stumbling over my racing thoughts. I could feel my heartbeat pulsing onto my eardrums. An hour later, I was still in the exact space. Still crippled by fear. My locket. I picked it up and examined it. It was the same now, as the day I was given it. Heart-shaped, silver, a couple of stands of my hair still stuck in its clasp. I opened it up. Not the same. An unfamiliar piece of paper fell out of it. A tiny note folded up and made to fit inside of the locket, in front of the picture of me and my love. My hands trembling as I unfolded it. I don’t want to know what’s inside. the locket was rarely out of my sight. How did anyone get anything inside of here? Once I managed to open the paper, with my hands violently trembling, I saw more numbers. This time in a layout. Coordinates. Still feeling like I was being watched, I forced myself out of the safety of my duvet. My head spinning as I made my way to the computer. I opened up browser and clumsily typed in the coordinates. A warehouse building 59 miles from my exact spot. I froze. Do I ignore this message that went so out of its way to find me, or do I let my hope get the best of me? I want my husband back. That was it. My choice made. I pulled on my thickest jumper and made my way to my car.

It took a little over an hour to get to this somewhat abandon warehouse. I looked at the clock on my dashboard. 5.04am. If not now, then when. I didn’t come here for nothing. I pulled out a torch and headed to the door that was somewhat…unbroken in comparison to the rest of the building. A cold rush of air hit me as the door swung open. Dust covered the whole floor, except a pathway made from footprints treading through. I’m not one to typically follow the crowd. But here the path felt safe and somewhat familiar. I followed it through several doors and archways. Until it led up to another door. This one unlike the others. Metal instead of wooden, a key inside the lock. I turned the key until I heard a heavy bolt moving. Sliding the door open, the insides of the room flooding my eyes with light. I had found it. I had found the way out of the loop.