Decay

When one sense is taken away, the other senses become sharper to compensate. What about when they're all taken from you? Hello? I’m just talking out loud. I mean, not really talking. But my thoughts… my thoughts are all I have left. My thoughts. My memories. Visions of my past. Do you know how difficult it is to build a solid vision from memory? Do you remember what you did three days ago? Do you remember what the lobby of the bank looks like? I mean exactly? Do you remember what color your toothbrush was? Memories are fleeting. They just fall away. Crumble. Why don’t I remember more? It’s getting harder. But, I find that by organizing my favorite memories into folders and saying them out loud, I’m able to hold on to them.

My Wife Folder... We met in college. Performing in a student run production of Jesus Christ Superstar. She played the… the something by the Fire. She had just a small solo. But her voice - her singing voice is something I’ll never forget. The way she would bring the vibrato in at the end of a phrase at just the right moment. She could sing anything. Why did she not have a bigger part in that show? She should have played Mary Magdalene. She would have sung the hell out of “Everything’s Alright.” The lyrics were… Everything’s alright, yes everything’s fine… do do do do do do do tonight… I was never great with lyrics and I find that words to songs are…

Dawn was beautiful. Is beautiful. Dawn. What a pretty name. It was the perfect name for you. You were the reason I got up in the morning. I wish I could see your face. I can conjure up an image of your long curly hair. Brown, light brown, almost blonde touches. Your glasses, your eyes, the heart-shaped locket you wore. But your nose, your cheeks… some of your finer details… they’re just not there anymore. I wish I could find you. I wish you were here with me right now in this darkness. I wish I knew exactly what your nose looked like. If you love someone. Memorize their nose. Draw it a hundred times. And their hands. I held your hands every day, but in my head they’re just hands… not your hands. I don’t have a memory of your hands anymore.

We fell in love immediately. After I spent one night with you, we were inseparable. We moved to Minneapolis with the thought that we’d get our feet wet in the music and theater scene there. You know, build up our resumes, make some connections, and then maybe move out to L.A. or New York. I suppose staying in the Midwest saved our lives. For a while.

We were working here in Minneapolis. Remember? Getting gigs. Singing. Acting. Doing voice overs. Why move to a bigger market when we found our happiness here. We laid down roots here. We had a son. His name was… it was, uh… Kuh… a K name I think. I’m so sorry. I don’t have your name anymore buddy. I’ve tried to remember your name… and other things I’ve forgotten. But they don’t come back. Not even in a flash. I thought about making up a name for you but that just seemed wrong. When I know you have a name. A name that your mom and I chose.

My Son folder… I do remember that you were brave… and you were smart. So smart. That you were one of the first to enlist after we lost control. That you had pretty much grown up with the “network of things.” That working with Artificial Intelligence came naturally to you. That you lived half in the real world and half in a virtual world. Not that I understood. I didn’t understand your fascination with the Integration Movement. We called them robots when I was a kid. I must have watched a hundred movies about them taking over. Maybe they were watching too. I lost you in the war to them. Now, I’m losing you again. Kuh.. keh…

Our human bodies were no physical match for their advanced technology. They were smarter, stronger, faster, could see in the dark, could crush your arm with one squeeze. The military’s plan was to transfer our consciousness out of our fragile bodies and into an advanced mech. We might have a chance. In a way, it was a form of evolution. But in retrospect… I think that’s what they wanted. I think it was their plan. Because… here I am. I remember my training. I remember telling your mom that I’d see her soon. I remember laying down on the table and getting hooked up and being told that the upload will take a few minutes and I’ll experience a few moments of darkness. Like falling asleep and waking up. And when I woke up, my mind would be in the bio-organic body of an TMU. A Tactical Mech Unit. But I haven’t woken up. I’m still waiting. I wanted to be brave like you.

I’m losing my memories. And I’m scared. My memories are all I have left. I’m losing… hope.

So, to combat this decay of me… I’ve set up mental folders of favorites and I try to open each one and say what I remember out loud. I have a Folder labeled Childhood. I remember eating tuna fish sandwiches at the zoo with my parents and sister. They put them in an orange and white cooler. Fishing with my dad. I remember playing Star Wars and GI Joe.

I have a Folder labeled Friends. I remember my best friends in High School Karla and Nick and that we played the three friends in the Wizard of Oz and that my best friend Joey moved to Florida, but we kept in touch. We were in each other’s weddings.

I have a folder for my son and a folder for my wife labeled… It’s uh, labeled… with her name. Her name is… oh no. What’s happening?

I have an orange and white folder for my parents and one for my… It’s a folder system for my favorite… meh… mem… what’s the word?

My favorite meh…

If you can hear me… if anyone can hear me. Maybe this is being logged somewhere. Look at the person next to you. Your friends, your… the people you love. Look at their faces. Really look. Remember how holding hands feels. Say their names a hundred times and cherish how it feels in your…in your...

Please! I’m… not... Can anyone hear me? Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s alright, yes… goodbye.