Dazed.

Outside was unknown to her but she could see a glimpse of him though his last window in his bedroom. It was a strange bedroom you could feel and smell his body odour. I would look through the window to watch him work, he was a writer of poetry, history and philosophy. When the the skies were dancing and the moon shone bright, he would go into the woods singing with the wolves as a pack in the night. I would close my eyes and look through the last window. I could see him playing like a child in the woods singing Auld- Lang- Syne. He had a piece of coal in his hand and opened all the doors and windows wishing all good spells and happy new beginnings but, the window in his bedroom doesn’t open or close as it’s only me that can see through the port hole of love. Falling in limerence; have you ever felt lovesick ? Felt a desire so strong for someone that thoughts of them take up every moment of your day ? Welcome to the world of limerence. We explore the complexities of love and limerence, life as a “limerent” and how to form healthy relationships. Words Georgia Nelson. From a young age, we are taught a lot of misconceptions about love. We learn that love changes the way we act, that it drives us to acts of desperation and leaves us dazed and consumed by thoughts of our beloved. To be shot by Cupid’s arrow is something we all long for. Romeo and Juliet were so in love they couldn’t live without one another. Carrie loved Big so much she was willing to accept the bare minimum affection in return and revolve her entire life around him. Don’t get me wrong — I adore Sex and the City, and Carrie Bradshaw is one of the reasons I became a writer. But I never understood why she chose Big. To me, it didn’t look like love. It looked like Carrie had fallen in love with the idea of Big, put him on a pedestal and was blind to the reality that Big only gave her crumbs, never the whole cake. I’ve since come to the conclusion that it wasn’t love, it was limerence.

Coined by Dr. Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book “Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love”, limerence is the “interpretation of events, rather than the events themselves”. You admire, you are physically attracted, you see, or think you see… the hint of the possibility of possible reciprocity, and the process is set in motion.”

Throughout her research, Dr Tennov interviewed 500 people who were experiencing “love obsession” and came to the conclusion that limerence is the very first stage of the love cycle — love sickness, if you will. It’s more than just sexual desire, although this certainly plays a part. It’s an intense infatuation, a kind of spell cast over you and the need for this desire to be returned.

Since Dr Tennov’s book was published, many psychologists have likened limerence to mental illnesses such as obsessive-compulsive disorder and addiction. And while there are many unhealthy aspects of limerence that can impact all parts of your life, I like to think of it as Dr Tennov does: innocent, unconditional, ephemeral.

The classic example of limerence is unrequited, where one party — the limerent — is borderline obsessive about their limerence object (LO). Think Mark’s fixation on Julie despite her being married to his best friend in Love A. Tom’s obsession with Summer in 500 Days of Summer; and the entire tragedy that is Romeo and Juliet. Limerence can be felt before, during and even after a relationship. It may actually lead to a relationship and once the ecstasy fades, you and your loved one are left to decide whether you are truly compatible.

Love or limerence?

So how do you know whether you’re in love or limerence? Well, you can check your “symptoms” against Dr Tennov’s 12 basic signs of limerence:Intrusive thoughts about your LO.Intense longing for your feelings to be reciprocated.

Mood is dependent on your LO’s actions (or inactions) and your interpretation of these actions.Inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time. Flirtatious behaviour is quite common in a limance person as they crave the attention of the control they have over their object .

A sense of relief from fantasising about your passions being reciprocated by your Lover.

Crippling fear of rejection and feelings of insecurity around your Lovers Feelings intensified by adversity.Interpreting any act that could point to reciprocation of feelings as a sign of hidden passion from your LOver.

An aching sensation in your chest (or heart) when feelings of uncertainty arise.

A feeling of elation when reciprocation is evident.Feelings towards your LO are so intense that all other concerns, issues and priorities fade away.

Emphasising your Lovers positive attributes while minimising their flaws or negative aspects, i.e., the sense that they can do no wrong. Beehive , rates butterflies all in my tiny back gardened "From a young age we are taught a lot of misconceptions" This may be true but, when someone tells us it's like this or it's like that, particularly someone we automatically assess to know their shit just because they have "Dr." or the like before their name, we tend to absorb their theorised evaluations and accept them as "They know what they're talking about. That's how it is." In a world of perception, I choose my own perceptions over those in a book by someone we accredit as a specialist or professional due to them having a title. They can only voice their perceptions. Theirs. Dr. Tannov can try convincing folk the Tannov way is the only way but, l prefer my way thanks. Looking through the last window.