Day 534

Dear diary another day and another day questioning why the fuck I care about going on. The bleakness and hopelessness of our situation is soul crushing some days. We stopped caring about anything except counting the days. I'm not even sure why I haven't killed myself. Am I too strong to do it or too much of a coward to do it? Whatever is after this has to be better. Still as we break camps and move on and try to scavenge what we can it gives us some purpose. Hell, I was stupid enough to bring a child into this world. It should be a crime but with so few of us left it also felt like a blessing.

I sometimes wonder if the world from before was really true. I mean I lived in it, and it wasn’t that long ago, but nothing is the same. Civilization fell apart so easily when it happened. It happened so brutally quick. I can’t dwell on the past; I have to work towards a future. We made a choice to have a child and I can’t not work for some sort of better tomorrow.

But it is so fucking hard. I wish I believed in a god of any sort as I would pray to that being for help or guidance. I truly don’t want to have to struggle every day, every hour, every minute. I can’t admit this to my wife, my child, my group or anyone. Here I can at least expose the fact that the bleakness and emptiness of the world is echoed in my soul. Yet today, today was different. Today I felt hope again.

This brings me to a minor miracle that happened today finding a heart shaped locket. It is a simple thing and was clutched in the hands of the remains of some poor soul we found while scavenging. At first, I was happier to find the few cans of tuna fish and a pair of sunglasses. Then I noticed the locket.

I carefully pried out of what was left of her hand. I was guessing it was her as she was smaller and appeared more delicate. Likely better off not being in the world anymore. As I brushed it off and finally finagled it open, I saw the picture. It was faded and corroded as everything is on this damn world, but the picture survived enough to make it out. It was a simple picture of her family. Her, her husband and two children standing underneath a tree that was like a green leafy umbrella. The sun cascading thru the branches and all four of them smiling, beautiful and happy.

I guess I could have felt despair for what was gone, for what we had done, for what was lost forever to us. Instead for a reason I cannot yet understand it filled me with hope, desire, and a need to rebuild from the ashes we had created. I envisioned a new world as we clean up the ashes of a prior world. I envisioned the ability to create a home for my family, planting a tree and maybe finding a fucking camera that works. I laughed at myself with that thought. I actually felt myself smiling.

I know the despair; the hopelessness will creep back into my soul in another day or two. I know I will think about putting myself out of my misery again. But I also know that I will keep the locket with me and just knowing it is there and what could maybe, maybe be again I will go on. I will hope, I will maybe even smile. I will live and I will try to make the world again into a place that we can have our own heart shaped lockets.