Dave

I call him Dave. He is in my head. I hear the harsh awful whispers not in my ear but in my head. I have tried to ignore him, yet he is there. He says in my head to take all my medications at once as I am a stupid ant. I look at my medications-Clonazepam, Olanzepine, Seraquel and Cipralex. He repeats the request with more urgency. Oh overdosing would be nice. No more pain, no more anger, and no more Dave.

I have Schizophrenia. I have deep conversations with my hallucinations. Dave seems to be the most pronounced. When he comes, I forget everything. Bloodcurdling screams, a vision that threatens me with a death touch dart, a damned goblin of a voice that steals my happiness...They are all around me every day. But now, my mind is rooted on Dave.

I am in the donut shop sipping a lemon tea. A young woman serves me with a smile. I gaze at her and she looks away. Dave reminds me of how pathetic and empty my life is. I'll never experience a woman's touch, never break the cycle of toxicity. I will always have a headache that makes me feel bludgeoned, damned, beguiled and cursed. I feel a wave of nausea hit me. I retch and people look at me with disgust. A man checks on me. I tell him I'm okay and I just need rest. He is incapable of understanding that I am under attack, I am at WAR.

Dave is screaming now. End the misery! I focus sharply on my tea. I feel if I get up my bones will shatter. I lift the tea to my lips using as little motion as possible. Dave insists I throw the tea out as it is poison...POISON. That word reverberates with me. I am a poison. I scare everyone near and dear. If I could muster the strength, I would take all my pills at once. Am I a coward for wanting to back out? Do I dare actually think myself worthy of living? Dave has instilled the thoughts of hopelessness in my head for years. I feel I can't break free from him. I sit in silence, or what an observer would call silence. I am never alone, even when nobody is around. The people in the donut shop must be looking at me-at least Dave thinks so. They think I am disgusting. I am a freak, unworthy of a chance. I am destined to be alone without a helping hand.

I look over to my side for a moment. A young couple is holding hands and raising their faces together in a kiss. I pretend that is me who is receiving the kiss, only Dave interrupts that thought. He beckons me to run. Run and hide from the world! They are all against you! You must hurry, end your life, end it!

Dave's insistence is killing me at this point. I feel myself sweating and my breathing becomes labored. Dave is urging me to act, to destruct, to destroy myself. He states I have no dignity, that this is the right time. I have nothing left in this world, and nobody would stop the end result even if a man walked in with a knife and was defenceless. Dave is telling me I must act now and I can not wait any longer...

I wake up from this mad dream in the mental hospital. It was a reoccurring nightmare based on the time I went off medication. I am sweating and breathing heavily. A nurse is rushing to my side. I am safe, and Dave is gone, for now.