Dancing Through The Darkness

I always knew that when I grew up, I wanted to be a Prima ballerina.

According to my mother the moment I learned to walk was the moment I learned to dance. It wasn’t long after that, that I was performing pirouettes and arabesques throughout our living room.

I thought back on the memories of my mom smiling, while wringing her hands nervously, as I tried performing the risky moves.

"Ariel, " she'd say, "it’s a little too early for those positions."

I'd laugh at her and shake my red head before trying again and again until I nailed it perfectly. She would smile and try a couple of poses with me, reminding me where my natural talent came from.

I took a deep breath trying not to allow my mind to enter the dark place that liked to surge forward when I thought of the person my mother used to be. When she was happy and dancing. When the only thing capable enough to interfere with her dancing was me.

I pushed my mind to go further back in time to a place when everything was moving harmoniously. Mom was Prima over at the New York City Ballet and I was a year away from graduation. I smiled at the memories of watching her glide across the stage with grace and style that seemed to flow naturally for her. No matter what she performed she always moved her audience to tears.

It never mattered that I spent twelve hours of my day training to become the very thing that she was, she still pushed and encouraged me to take her spot. She always told me that I was the better dancer and that I just needed the right performance for everyone else to see it too. In her eyes it was my birth right to take on her crown once she was finished.

I took a calming, deep, slow breath as the girls laughed and rushed around me getting ready for their own performances. It wasn’t the Swan Lake performance of my dreams, but it was a stepping stone towards it.

Looking out across the stage to the balcony where the lights were set, I waited for the red light to switch over to a green light letting me know it was time to take the stage.

I continued my deep breaths as I pictured myself as Odette in Swan Lake. Keeping that image in my head, I made my way to center stage ignoring the noise of the audience.

The music started and I immediately moved my body in positions that would leave me sore and tired later. Movements that were sensual yet fluid and hypnotizing.

I continued imagining that I was on stage at the Paris Opera Ballet performing just as my mother wished she could. I was the queen of the swans waiting for my prince Siegfried to come and break me from my curse.

The dark cloud started to fog my mind again as the thoughts clashed too closely with the way I felt about my life. I was a cursed swan dancing on a small stage until I was discovered as being something so much more.

I was the best in my lake and the favorite among the others, but it didn’t satiate my need to be on a grander stage with a bigger name for myself.

My movements became more aggressive and captivating as I pictured the hands on my body to be Prince Siegfried’s.

My thoughts darkened further as I thought about the day my mother told me of her diagnosis. We were in our backyard sitting against the trunk of her pear tree that she’d planted when she first moved to New York after her high school graduation. It had been a new beginning for her. She always explained how it symbolized her rebirth from a small farm girl living in the middle of nowhere to a dancer looking to see her name on billboards.

I had been excited to tell her that Madam Julie had teased that I would make solo as soon as I graduated the following month. I was over the moon since it was rare that it happened. She had only smiled at me from teary eyes as she took my hand to explain to me that her body was breaking down and would no longer be able to keep up with the rigorous moves needed for ballet.

I remembered not understanding anything she was saying at first. I recalled how I couldn’t break down the fact that she wouldn’t be able to perform on stage any longer. I was hearing her words but I couldnt correlate them between her being diagnosed as my mother and her being diagnosed as my idol, as Prima ballerina.

My world had crashed around me in a dark whisper as she explained that it was hereditary and that I would need to be tested to be sure that it wasn’t going to happen to me as well.

I knew in that moment that I wasn’t going to do that. Madam Julie always taught us that our mind was the biggest lesson that we needed to learn. She would drill into us that if we allowed it to dictate our moves then we would always fall a step behind. I knew that if I received negative results my mind would win, and I would never be Prima.

My mother had other plans and made sure to have me tested before I turned 18. She claimed it was for my own safety. That I’d hurt myself in the long run if I didn’t know for sure.

I didn’t know how to take her betrayal and it clouded my mind like a plague. I couldn’t dance without thinking about how the supportive loving mother that I once shared my dreams with was now against it all.

She made sure the news spread like wildfire because in the end it distracted everyone from her own fall. To everyone else the pity fell on the child that may never achieve her dreams instead of the Prima Ballerina that was able to temporarily live out hers. My mother had ended my career on their stage at the same time she had to end hers.

In her mind, it was only okay for me to earn her position when she was done but I couldn't take it from her. Gone were the looks of adoration and love as she watched me only to be replaced with looks of envy and hatred.

I was the reminder of everything that she had lost and as much as it hurt me, I knew that I had to leave in order to make my own way.

The mental freedom I’d gained from it was worth the struggle. I was no longer feeling the regret and unease of going to class while my mom was off to another appointment. Feeling her hurt and hostility as she watched me practicing a move in our courtyard. I was no longer allowing my mind to wander the way it did before, when my teachers began looking at me with pity and regret instead of like their shining student as they used to.

Getting by on my own was extremely rough at first. I’d gone through my emergency funds and credit cards after three months and had to pick-up side jobs to try and make rent on my small apartment. It was even harder finding a job that worked around the vigorous hours of the new company that I was hired with, which barely paid enough to live off of. It was nowhere near the prestigious New York Ballet that I was used to, but it was something that I could call my own without my mother’s name clouding the minds of everyone around me.

When the other girls told me about the money I could make working at Poppy’s after rehearsals, I was all for it. The late hours were perfect and my ability to still be front and center stage added to the appeal.

Forcing my thoughts back to the happy place it belonged in while performing, I pushed my body to the max in order to get the crowd’s reaction that was needed for my night to end successfully. It was my last performance before I had to try and get a few hours of sleep before my first class.

By the time my song ended my breathing was ragged and my body light as I imagined that all the bills being thrown at me were flowers congratulating me on a perfect performance. I imagined the whistles and cat calls to be an appreciative audience screaming for an encore.

Picking up the money quickly I rushed off the stage to make room for the next dancer to start her performance.

Unlike Odette my life wouldn’t end here. I didn’t get my prince and my curse was still darkening my mind, but I wouldn’t allow it to take me completely before I got to the stage of my dreams.

Even though she wouldn’t appreciate it, I was going to become Prima Ballerina for the both of us. Our good name wouldnt be clouded by her disease and it will be back in the spotlight as it still should have been. Like Odette, I was going to fight my curse the whole way through.