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Company Memo, RE: Macaw Situation

by Charlie C 10 months ago in Short Story
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To all employees

Dear work family,

We all know and treasure Tony’s work-support macaw, Dazzle. After all, not many companies have a CEO with a work-support macaw! I know I can’t be the only one who’s been having a bad day, gone into Tony’s office, seen Dazzle’s incredible scarlet plumage, and felt a little better. As we say in upper management, we wish more of our beloved employees would pop in and have a chat.

But, sadly, as often happens when we initiate an initiative to better your working lives, one of you (perhaps a group?) has to ruin it for everyone. We saw it last year with Tony’s “Take a Donut, Leave a Handmade Birthday Cake for Tony” celebration where all the cakes left were clearly not handmade, and more donuts were taken than were replaced by cakes! Not to get off track, but the fact that some of you can be so flagrantly disrespectful to our generous CEO is disappointing!

It has come to our attention that someone has been teaching Dazzle to say nasty things to Tony. Whoever did this made sure Dazzle would make certain remarks in response to certain actions from Tony. The whole company should be as embarrassed as Tony was when he invited one of our top investors in for a discussion, only for Dazzle to utter an insult which will not be repeated (as the email filter would block the email from being sent!). Also, the macaw has been taught to sing a song that goes: “Baldy, Baldy, Baldy, you’ve got a bald spot,” to the tune of “Ring Around the Rosie” whenever Tony looks in the new mirror he had installed in his office ceiling.

Obviously, such insults go against section 1.2.7 of the Employee Handbook. Tony is incredibly disappointed in such behaviour, after all he does for his employees. The macaw was meant to be a point of pride for us all, something to make us stand out from our competitors. Instead, it makes us look like children.

It has also come to our attention that someone (again, we consider this may have been the work of a group of individuals) has instructed Dazzle to yell out Tony’s passwords and bank account details to anyone who visits Tony’s office. Obviously, such breaches go against section 3.19.263 of the Employee Handbook and section 8.2.2 of the Computer Security Awareness Training Manual, as both sections pertain to the training of exotic birds to communicate company secrets.

Alas, the company directors have had to conduct several meetings with Dazzle, sometimes with the presence of Dazzle's union rep, to determine whether Dazzle is part of an organised mutiny against Tony. Unfortunately, Dazzle refuses to cooperate. In addition, we also discovered someone had been forging Dazzle’s signature on company documents, including an order for 700 tonnes of fragranced printer ink. Dazzle refused to confirm or deny any involvement in the fragranced printer ink situation.

As you are all aware, Dazzle was also barred from entering the Employee of the Period competition due to catching and disembowelling a mouse in front of a potential customer. We’ve also found, during a routine background check, that Dazzle fabricated references and prior work experience. The alleged previous employer told us they’d never even hired Dazzle as Vice President of European Sales, as they have a policy of not hiring macaws. We also discovered that Dazzle initially fled Belize after being implicated in embezzlement.

Alas, we have made the difficult decision to terminate Dazzle’s contract. His last day of work will be next Friday. I believe Gary is already sending a card around. Please feel free to recommend anyone you know to fill Dazzle’s role.

Let this also serve as a reminder that this company does not tolerate any form of harassment against the CEO.

Many thanks and warmest regards and have a good weekend all (except the Friday traffic, am I right?)

J.

Short Story

About the author

Charlie C

Attempted writer.

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