Chocolate Cake

The C- word. The word “Cancer” is a death sentence people naturally want to run from; I run to it. I personally know the pain and fear that envelops a family. My younger brother,Jimmy, had died at the age of 8 from Leukemia. I was 10, old enough to remember the trips to the hospital, the hotels, the secret handshake he and I had, the nights of staying up to play the newest video game because he’d call and say he couldn’t sleep... and finally the haunting morning we got the call.

It was 4am and my dad told me to throw my sandals on and get in the car. I knew something was wrong. We got to the hospital just in time to say goodbye. I held his hand. He couldn't speak, but had just enough energy to do our handshake. Gut wrenching sobs were my only response.

The following year was a mix of emotions, sadness, grief and relief. I missed Jimmy. He was younger than me but that hadn’t mattered; we were inseparable.

I knew what my family went through, how initially everyone showed support. But, as time went on, those people disappeared. The hospital had been our second home; the nurses our extended family.

Due to my experience I became a pediatric nurse at the local Children’s Hospital Cancer Wing. I’ve seen it all; those that get the diagnosis with no hope, with some hope and those who get the exit parade (a parade the doctor’s and nurses do when a patient is in remission). All have been impactful but none have caught my soul like James.

James was a 7 year old little boy, he loved Fortnite (where was this game when my brother was around?! He’d have loved it). The only thing he loved more was his older sister Molly. The first time I met James he had a contagious smile, “Hi James, name is Jessica and I’ll be one of your nurses, we’ll be seeing a lot of each other a lot.” Without hesitating James grabbed my hand, gave me a high five, two fist bumps, and another high five. James then leaned in and whispered, “Well, if we’ll be seeing each other a lot; we should have a secret handshake.”. He gave me a hug and sat back down on his bed. I thought quickly of Jimmy and smiled.

Needless to say, James became my buddy.

In the process I learned a lot about James:

His favorite color was blue

His favorite animal was a white Rhino

He loved Hockey (The Vancouver Canucks)

His favorite singer was Adam Lavine

His favorite holiday was Christmas

His favorite Christmas movie was Elf

He wanted to be a doctor someday

He wanted to be on the TV show Ninja Warrior

His favorite two desserts were chocolate and cake (He swore it wasn’t chocolate cake because he said you added the chocolate to the cake - I let him have this one).

I also learned that James’s cancer was vicious. December 3rd came and the doctor’s gave him three weeks to live. James was sad but tried to be strong for Molly.

“James, I know this is hard but is there anything you’d like, while we manage your pain?” I said, not sure where the strength behind my voice was coming from.

“I would like to have the 12 days of Christmas.” He said with resolve.

“Excuse me please” Molly said, starting to cry, “I need to step outside.”

I told James I would need a minute and stepped outside, “Molly are you okay?” I asked.

“No, I’m not okay! My brother wants the 12 days of Christmas. I hear my parents talking about how they don’t know how they’re going to pay for the next week of hotel stays, or food for the hospital...so how can they do the 12 days of Christmas for him?! How?!” Molly was shaking, sobbing. I thought back to when my brother was in the hospital, my parents (may they rest in peace) only had money for hospital food because they’d keep our recycling and turn it in.

“Molly, what if we gave him the 12 gifts of Christmas? Let me talk to my boss and your parents. If they agree, would you want to do that?” I asked.

“Yes, oh yes! He has always been so good to me. I want to give him this one final thing. Thank you Ms. Jessica!” She hugged me, almost knocking me over.

I first talked to my manager, who quickly agreed knowing my past. I then talked to Molly’s parents who also agreed. I met with Molly, over milkshakes in the cafeteria, and we came up with an incredible list. My parents left me a large sum, when then passed. By the time Molly had her 12 days complete, I knew a good chunk of that money would be gone...and I didn’t care one bit.

As I was planning with a 9 year old, I essentially did the planning and let Molly do the presentation. I had previously built good relationships with patients whose parents required a “Do Not Disclose” form (for fear of Paparazzi). These relationships, and deep pockets gave me hope that we may be able to pull this off.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

Day 1 - December 13th

James’ doctors and nurses agreed to wear Christmas costumes. December 12th, Molly and I quietly decorated James’ room while he slept. Molly showed up early that day, in an elf costume. When James woke up, he looked around, wide eyed and asked, “Sis, what is this?”.

“It’s your 12 days of Christmas. I wanted to give you this gift.” Molly continued, “James, for Day 1, I wanted to start small, with the color blue. We, Ms. Jessica and I know it’s your favorite. The doctors said we could bring in blue sheets and a blue blanket.”

Day 2 - December 14th

Molly proudly walked into James room, “Brother, I have an announcement! You need to look outside.” Molly smiled as she watched a nurse help James into a wheelchair.

Thankfully, I knew people who worked at the zoo and the circus. With enough incentive ($$) (and liability paperwork), a small ring was constructed in the parking lot; for two White Rhinos. As James smiled and laughed watching them play, the nurse handed him blue socks, with White Rhino’s on them.

Day 3 - December 15th

My brother had been a recipient of the Make a Wish Foundation. He wanted to meet Wayne Gretzky. Mr. Gretzky had kept in touch with my brother's case and then saw in the news when my parents died. He reached out then and let me know that if I ever needed something, to let him and his family know. Well, I needed something that he could help with. I called Mr. Gretzy and explained the situation; he agreed to help (even knowing that James’ favorite team was the Vancouver Canucks). I knew James would be surprised.

When Mr. Gretzky walked in and was accompanied by every starting member from the Vancouver Canucks, it was I that was surprised! They met James and handed him a Jersey that they had all signed. One even offered to cover the hotel cost for his family; to ensure they could be nearby.

Day 4 - December 16th

A special screening of Elf, for all the patients on his floor.

Day 5 - December 17th

The Doctor’s bought a personalized Doctor’s jacket and a stethoscope for James.

Day 6 - December 18th

Adam Lavine did a private concert for the patients and their families. Thankfully, someone on his management team had been a past patients’ parent. When I explained what we were doing, he quickly convinced Lavine to get on board.

Day 7 - December 19th

Molly knew her brother needed a break, “Ms. Jessica, I know you’ve gone through a lot and that none of this is cheap...but I know my brother is tired...it’s been a lot. Would you mind if we just let him rest today and let him listen to Christmas music?”

I wanted to weep, “of course Molly, this is your gift to your brother.”

Day 8 - December 20th

James slept longer that morning. I waited until he woke up. When he woke up, he limply did our handshake and looked at me, trying to smile. “Hey buddy, do you think you can handle another day of Christmas?” I quietly asked.

“It’s only Day 8, I better be able to do 5 more days of Christmas.” He was smiling but it was evident that his strength wasn’t the same.

I wheeled James to the window. Today, there were no White Rhino’s but a make-shift Ninja Warrior course. The show’s host was my college roommate’s best friend; he brought in some of their season winners. There, in the parking lot, all wearing shirts with James name on it, they competed.

Day 9 - December 21st

James slept even longer and his pain was getting worse. When he woke up, he quietly said, “Ms Jessica, I know my sister is giving me the 12 days of Christmas as a gift...but I’m just too tired today. Do you think she could just come in and play Fortnite with me, until I need to sleep again?”

I was stunned, these two were always looking out for each other. I called Molly.

Day 10 - December 22nd

James surprisingly said he was hungry, even though his pain was worse. When I asked what sounded good, he said “surprise me” with a twinkle in his eye. I quickly called Molly, and her mom, and told them of his request, “James is hungry and told me to surprise him. Molly girl, what do you think, should we move up to Day 12?” I heard silence, “Ms. Jessica, he can’t really eat, do you think it’d be okay if my mom and I made the Chocolate Cake a smoothie?” I held the phone away from my face, so as not to let them hear the cries starting to well up, “Yes, Molly that would be perfect.”

When Molly arrived, she brought in a cake flavored milkshake with a bottle of chocolate sauce, “He always says it’s cake with chocolate, so I brought him cake with chocolate; HIS chocolate cake.”

Day 11 - December 23rd

I went to check on James, it was 2am and I knew there wasn’t much time. Thankfully, one of the hockey players had paid for a hotel room across the street, for James’ family. I paged the doctor and called the family. Deja vu washed over me, nothing I could do would prepare James’ family for what they were going to be going through.

The family arrived, in sweatpants, and messy buns. James wasn’t talking, or opening his eyes. They said goodbye and the gut wrenching sobs could be heard down the hallway.

Day 12 - December 24th

The 12th Day of Christmas. This day fucking sucked. I started my shift and walked by James' room. The hospital had taken away the blue sheets, the Christmas decorations were down and everyone was back in their normal work attire. I don’t know if it was the 20 years of grief or the exhaustion but I began to sob. We almost made it, he almost got his 12 days of Christmas. I recomposed myself and stopped by the nurses station, “Hey Jess, James left this under his pillow it has your name on it”

I trembled opening it; in sloppy writing I read,

“Ms Jess I told you we needed a secret handshake; I knew you’d be special to me. Please check in on Molly, I know she was being brave but I know she’ll miss me. Teach her our handshake, she’ll feel better. Thank you, I’ve had the best 12 days of my life.”

I put the note in my pocket, smiling, thinking of Jimmy and James; both looking down on me comparing secret handshakes.