Caffeine and sugar

She sat at the table with her head bent cradled on her hands, trying to blink the tears back that had been threatening to fall for the last few hours of her shift. She glanced at her reflection in the window and saw how dishevelled she was, her hair was matted and stuck to her head, and the makeup she’d worn had sweated off hours ago.

She looked up at the clock, but she had another twenty minutes left of her break before she needed to head back in. She’d know the work was going to be tough, but she hadn’t anticipated this.

“Cake?”

She looked up wearily at the voice, staring blanking at the smiling face opposite her.

“It’s not good for your waistline, but trust me. The only way to get through this is sugar and caffeine and hope for the best.” Sarah smiled kindly at the new staff member. She felt sorry for her, the first few days were always tough, but you eventually got used to it. “I’m Sarah, and you’re?”

“Caitlin. It’s my first day.” Her voice was hollow as she spoke, and she stared blankly at the plate of chocolate cake Sarah had placed in front of her.

“Eat this, trust me, it’ll help.” Sarah pushed the plate forwards and placed the fork directly into Caitlin’s hand, who looked at it dully for another few seconds before mechanically putting the cake into her mouth and chewing.

“Does it ever get easier? Because I don’t know if I can do this.” The tears started to drip down Caitlin’s face as she spoke. She’d managed for so long to keep herself under control, but this small act of kindness had pushed her over the edge.

“Do you want the honest answer? Or the lie that’ll keep you going?”

Caitlin sniffled, trying to wipe away the tears on her sleeves. Smiling gratefully when Sarah pushed the box of tissues over the table to sit next to her plate. “I’ll take the lie.” She managed a pathetic grin.

“It’s fine. By tomorrow you’ll be handling it like a pro. A twelve-hour shift will be gone in the blink of an eye. You’ll skip out the door tomorrow feeling like you’ve barely done any work.” Sarah took a big bite of her own slice of cake and grinned a chocolatey smile, which had the desired effect of eliciting a splutter of laughter from Caitlin. Sarah grabbed a tissue and wiped her mouth, her expression going serious for a moment. “You want the truth now?”

“Yes.” Caitlin’s voice was barely above a whisper, as she wasn’t sure she could handle what she was about to be told.

“It’s not going to get easier. Each and every day will make you feel like you’ve been through the wringer. Some days you’ll have a win which will make it all worthwhile, but it will often feel like those are few and far between.” Susan took a big swig of her coffee, looking with sympathy at the younger girl.

“I don’t think I can do this.” Caitlin looked down at the table, ashamed to feel the tears dribbling down her face and onto her plate. “It’s just too much.”

“You can’t think of it as a whole, you just have to focus on each individual task. You’ve been trained for this and you’re not being asked to do anything you’ve not done a million times before. I will admit the circumstances aren’t ideal,” Sarah rubbed the bridge of her nose ruefully, as this was a definite understatement. “but break it down into each small task, and keep going.”

“How do you do that? How do you keep going?”

Sarah stood up, glancing at the clock as it was time for her to get back onto the floor. “It’s simple. It’s what I’m trained for. If I don’t do it, who else is going to? We’re the best chance these people have, so let’s get back in there and keep giving them the best care we can.” Sarah picked up the two empty plates, taking them across to the sink to rinse. She watched Caitlin out of the corner of her eye, hoping that the younger woman would pull herself back together. She smiled internally when she saw her take a big sip of her coffee, and pull her shoulders back and get to her feet.

They walked in silence together back up the corridor, Caitlin slowed as she walked under the large temporary sign overhead saying ‘Covid intensive care. Staff only’. She reached her hand to her face, rubbing the bridge of her nose, where she could still feel the indentation of the mask. The words of Sarah played over and over in her head. It was what she trained for as a nurse, and if she didn’t do it, who was going to. She stood side by side with Sarah as they both donned their PPE, before they walked back into the Covid ICU to continue their shift.