Black

The Soul is a funny thing.

A vibrant light that consumes the darkness around it.

Each person another piece of a bigger picture. Meticulously places side by side to reach their counterparts. To experience life to it's fullest extent.

The souls are one big puzzle. Yet, I have no place in this huge arrangement of people. Past lives woven into new people through the power of souls that I’ve surrounded my life around.

My soul feels archaic. Despite my young age, I feel as if I've been around since the dawn of time. I’ve watched the world around me for so long. Watching is the only thing I’ve ever felt like was my place.

Curiosity is what really drives me, makes me wake up in the morning to this lonely, monotonous life filled with questions that I strive to answer. First it started with figuring out this gift I was unfortunately given. Then it moved on to how it could help me in the real world. I know people better than they know themselves. All because I can see their souls.

It’s the same thing every time; Pink is optimistic, Blue is smart, Green is calculating, Purple is caring, Red is hot headed, Yellow is sensitive, and Grey is sad. They were basic. Every person I’ve ever met boiled down to a few words that I could describe them with. I figured them all out over the course of just a few years. Their purpose was to be their color, to fit in where they were supposed to be, to be with the people that fit their soul and that was all they cared to do.

This was what they were meant to do, even the past souls they carried desired to be where they were meant to be. There was no passion to figure themselves out, just the desire to be where they were supposed to be. To make sure they fit in and not stick out. It irritated me to no end. I’ve lost friends form my unfathomable dissatisfaction with life. My desire for there to be something more to this puzzle flickering out. Frustrated with the lack of answers because it always boiled down to this: humans were all the same. There would always be a nauseating simplicity in how their lives would play out.

Long days of loneliness were finally changed when they appeared.

Life had decided to throw me a bone.

Imagine my surprise, when someone had multiple pieces inside of their chest, all carefully pressed against one another with different colors inside.

Pinks, blues, and greens with reds; the whole rainbow was swirling in their respectful pieces inside their chest like it was natural. The pink color poured into the others when I first saw them, making them bubbly, talkative, and worst of all sickly sweet to anyone who needed their help. It was typical for the pink soul color, but the other colors made me intrigued. I was too scared to say anything. I couldn't risk making myself seem crazy. The urge to ask ever question in the book was intense.

It was hard to ignore.

So for now, I just watched from afar. Hoping they wouldn’t notice my staring for now.

Observational studies is something I’ve always been best at, keeping my hands to myself and not really interacting with my own species. Ever since I was a kid I had never really gained any attachments to anything or anyone, unable to feel compassion and sympathy for the people that were so dreadfully simple. For the people who had stupid issues and easy to fix feelings, but always made things too complicated for their own good. It made me feel like I wasn’t part of the world I was born into. Gave me the undeniable feeling that I am better than the rest of my peers. They ignore me and I return the favor, it’s easier that way.

The next day green was the prominent color, and with that color, they were an entirely different person. They were calm, calculating, and incredibly intelligent. Their vibrant clothes and fluffy scarves were replaced with a grey polo, jeans, and glasses I doubted they really even needed. They knew all the answers to everything like their brain was just a google search engine. If they didn’t know the answer now, you could bet your left hand they would know about it the next time you saw them. It was just how this soul color was, they craved answers just like I did, the only difference was they could tone it down and actually care about the people they were close to. Curiosity and compassion is something that most of these green souls had the ability to express. I envied them a little, but I never lingered on the thought long before I would find my next muse.

The thought was enough to draw my attention back to the kaleidoscope soul. I watched them from the back of the class when they gave their friends from the day before an odd look like they were being absurd, that they had never seen these people that they just met yesterday. I tapped my pencil on the old textbook and gave a coy smile. Oh this would definitely be something interesting.

Rumors circulated about the new student, that they were insane, a completely different person from before. I had to talk to them, I needed to see this up close, to just get a hint of how this person even worked. My fingers itching to rip open the mystery like I was a kid on Christmas. Everything they did or said was fascinating. It was so infuriating to just let this muse go to waste. How it was possible to become a different person with every slight soul change was scraping at my curiosity and begging me to explore.

They were a kaleidoscope that I needed to get my hands on, to figure out, to memorize. Everyone was so similar, I could tell what they would like or what they would hate before they even had a chance to tell me. So meeting someone so unlike everyone else was essential to my mental well being.

My only issue was that I didn’t know how to reach out to them. I didn’t casually have social confrontations. The healthy dosage of human interaction was dissected out of my daily routine long ago. I only watched, never have I ever felt the need to involve myself in anything. It must have been fate though, because the next day they were staring me down from across the room with an odd look and a different soul color: this time it was orange. This meant that they were likely passionate, but sensitive and quiet, not very many people had this soul color around here.

Their hair was like a lion’s mane and they wore worn out band t-shirts that were too edgy for it’s own good. Their glasses were back but they were rounder than the calculating and sharp edges of their last pair. They walked over to me and suddenly I was hit with the thought that I was unfortunately staring and was about to be chastised about it. Most people at my school just ignored it, all too scared to wonder what I was thinking about while looking at them, or thinking that I found them attractive or something stupid like that. They came up to my table and sat down in the chair beside me with soft brown eyes and a question just daring to slip off their tongue.

“W-Why were you staring at me?” They asked, their voice uncertain and seemingly scared. I raised an eyebrow at their personality change again. The duality of this person was going to be the greatest mystery I’ve ever encountered. I felt the urge to smirk suppress itself as I thought about an austere excuse that others would have used as an excuse to stare at their crush.

“Uh-I recognized your shirt..?” I tried and their eyes lit up a bit when they glanced down, it was My Chemical Romance, of course it was. They really must have just snatched their fashion sense right out of the early 2000’s.

“You listen to My Chemical Romance?” They asked and gave me a small smile, they were still apprehensive, but now I could at least start up some kind of conversation with them. This might be my only chance to get closer to them, even if it was only for however long this personality would last. From my recent observations, this would only last for a day then they would forget everything.

“Yeah, uh, G-Note am I right?” I chuckled awkwardly that they gave me a confused look before smiling. Okay, so obviously I wasn’t the most eloquent of people, but at least they got the joke. I heard the grey souls joke about this before, and they were the ones who typically had the best edgy jokes. Despite being not being amused by most things, I browsed the internet, and I did know what kids were talking about half the time. I just didn’t care to get involved with their stupid trends, or even worse, the cringe memes. I shuddered inside at the audacity of humanity. I could understand souls, not stupidity.

“Yeah, I’m still wrecked over that.” They tried to joke and I gave a fake laugh, it kept them talking which is all that matters. If I could get them to just stay for a little longer than I could see more of their multi-piece soul then maybe I could understand it. I craved to figure them out before I even had a chance to form some kind of acquaintanceship with them.

“Aren’t we in the same class?” I asked and they seemed surprised and they pulled out a white crisp schedule that their last persona had asked for. They hesitantly passed the page over to me and my eyes jumped to the name on the top, there was just a bunch of letters and then a last name. The day before their name was Matthew, and the day before that it was Claudia, what was their name today? Are they gender fluid or something? I believe so, but I didn’t really care to gain any confirmation. It’s not like it was going to really affect me what they wear or who they want to be. The only thing that was certain with them was their last name, at least I hoped it was.

“Garcia?” I questioned and their eyes flickered to the paper and they quickly took the sheet away from me. They had a light blush on their ambiguously structured face. I smiled at them as they frowned at my reaction with their redden features making them look more adorable than angry. Maybe I could win this personality over with charm or something similar to it.

“Call me Victoria.” They grumbled as they pushed their schedule into their loose fitting jacket pocket. They seemed a bit flustered but I doubted it was because of me being nice. It would be too easy if that was the case. They were shy souls, getting this much interaction was probably new for them.

“My name’s Mika, and fortunately for you Victoria, I happen to have the same class with you.” I explained with a smile that I hoped was rakish. They grumbled something I couldn’t hear but allowed me to lead them to their classroom. Well, the new classroom for this personality. I wonder if tomorrow would I will have to track them down and redo this whole thing. Would I have to be nice and show them the school? Would I ever actually see this persona again?

“Why are you doing this?” Victoria asked and I bit the inside of my lip, but didn’t look their way. I just kept walking like I hadn’t heard what they had said. I could feel the frown pointed towards me. They were just a puzzle, just a puzzle, I repeated to myself so that I would feel less guilty. This was a time waster. Nothing could come of this. Nothing should come of this. Despite that, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to actually have a friend for once. If their personality switches were anything to go by, I would have multiple friends in one. I chuckled at my own joke that made them raise their eyebrows at me.

They sat beside me in our history class and I explained whatever question they had; whether it was the lesson itself or where the pencil sharpener was. I was there to guide them through everything. The stares I received were enough to make Victoria uncomfortable, but I dutifully ignored them in favor of keeping myself preoccupied with the frizzy haired blonde. I recalled that yesterday their hair was pulled back, the day before it was placed into braids, does each personality have a different hairstyle too? Was it a way to establish the differences between the persona’s?

“What did you do for so many stares?” They asked me and I glared down at the paper before me. We were discussing the printing press but my mind felt like the Civil War. A constant battle of my curiosity and the opportunity of maybe actually having a friend. My kind of life just didn’t let me have friends. I wasn’t about to change for someone just because they were different; at least not while I’m still getting to know them. I looked over to them and gave them a rough looking smile. Knowing that deep inside I wouldn’t actually care about what happens in the wake of my temporary friendship with them.

“I’m a vampire.” I teased them. They rolled their eyes at me, but the smile that threatened to pull at their lips was enough to satisfy me for now.

The looks I was getting weren't because of me in particular, I stayed out of people’s business and stayed on the average with my grades, but the mystery they seemed to see me surrounded in kept them at bay. Especially since I was considered unfriendly to my fellow classmates, they were all too boring for me to just settle down and be friends with. My words always came out too calloused or too awkward. As if they weren’t meant to come out of my mouth. Any attempt at conversation led to silence because that was just what I was used to. Did Victoria think that I was unfriendly like everyone else? I didn’t want to think about it because it didn’t matter if they liked me or not. This was an experiment, nothing new for me to suddenly change my whole outlook on life.

I felt as though my sole purpose for being here was to simply observe, like the looming figure of death. That is my purpose.

“You’re a funny looking one, you’re pale enough to be one though.” They chuckled, pointing to my pale skin, I playfully glared but the smile I felt appear on my face was surprising to even myself. It hurt smiling so much. Then my mind snapped back to my previous ‘battle’ in my own head, why can’t I just do both? Get close to them and solve them? It didn’t seem like it would be a good compromise. It felt like it was a bad idea and I should just steer away from any real friendship with them.

However, as the day went on it was becoming abundantly clear that this was going to be a great experiment. That I had made the right choice on who to spend my time on. They were smiling by the end of the day and hoping to see me tomorrow. Even if I was so called ‘weird’, they were pleased with my presence. Befriending them had become easier than I originally planned.

The next day came and they were blue, a deep ocean blue that drew you in with square glasses and straightened, pulled back hair. I was surprised when they entered the school with a seemingly calm look. I could see it was actually quite the opposite. Nervous yellow tinted at the edges of the blue but it was clear which color was in charge. They wore a white hoodie and dark skinny jeans, their grey backpack loosely hanging off their shoulders as they looked around the school.

They steered clear from the crowds and found a table that was empty to wait out on until they could go to their class. I watched as they pulled out a white, folded up piece of paper that I was certain was the same one Victoria used. This persona was much more relaxed and walked like they weren’t scared of the new surroundings. They were nice and smiled at the people who stared at them. Never once did they questioned the odd looks. They just assumed it was because they were the ‘new student’.

I quickly made my way over to their table and gave them an awkward smile. The process of restarting my temporary relationship with them was set into place. Field work was so much harder than simple observation.

“Hi, I’m Mika.” I introduced myself again. They stared in silence for a moment or so, as if debating if telling me their name was something they should actually do or not. Many soul colors had the tentative attribute, hell, every human was built with it. A defense mechanism that went deeper than the simple soul. It was ingrained into their bones and mind, A primal instinct that just never went away. The soul remembers how it died in dozens of situations, so the soul protects itself from the treatment it has endured before. It was likely in a past life this soul was hurt by someone close to them. Of course, they didn’t know that about themselves.

“I’m Justin.” They supplied as I slipped into the seat by him. He scooted over a little to make more space between us, but it didn’t bother me. I quickly glanced at the schedule and smiled. It was definitely the same one from the day before.

“Sorry, this might seem weird. You looked lonely and I am lonely, so I wanted to see if you wouldn’t mind being friends?” I tried, my face surely looking like I was being too fake. The expression they shot back was a look between distress and failing to not smile. The relatable feeling I was trying to provoke out of them was apparent when they seemed to loosen the tight hold on their caution. The simple joke I gave was enough to at least make them more comfortable being around me. Their blue aura shifted from being tinged with yellow to it’s natural color. Blue surrounded them and made them vibrant. They leaned away from me and shook their head.

“I guess it’s better than being alone.” They chucked and it clicked inside of me. Being alone was terrible, but my condition just didn’t allow me to be friends. Every argument I’ve had with myself since I’ve decided to befriend this multidimensional person has made me question if my ways were really so set in stone. It made me wonder if I was just as basic as everyone else when I didn’t have a muse at my disposal. It made my insides bristle with irritation, of course I wasn’t like everyone else! I could never become bored with myself. I was a delicacy in a crowd of fast food, there was no way they could compare to me.

My attention needed to be captured for longer than a few weeks for me to even consider being a friend with them. It was just like dating. People waited and waited for the perfect one and I could do the same. An initiation process for the ones that I would allow to be close to me.

It was always risky getting close to people, because then I have to care, and being a caring person was something foreign to me. It was like I was born without a heart, but that’s what makes me the best at analyzing. If I don’t have the capacity to care about what I am observing, then everything will be mostly unbiased. Meaning that at some point I’m gonna be too irritated with my specimen to really observe them with a clear mind.

Over the months I met all the personalities, most of the time they circulated in a pattern that was easy to remember. First it was Pink, then Green, Orange, Blue, Red, Purple, Yellow, and occasionally Grey came. It was a simple routine, I was able to learn each of their habits, learned what each liked and didn’t like. Each personality that took over remembered when I met them, but nothing of the days afterwards, it was like they didn’t know that the other personalities existed. It was exciting at first, then it became boring when it was still the same every time. The last time I saw Victoria, it was like we had just talked the day before, instead of nearly a whole week between each conversation.

It was so painfully easy, and it was becoming increasingly clear that I was not going to be entertained by this for very long. Just because they were one person with many soul colors didn’t exactly mean they were going to be intriguing for long. I realized with an infuriating amount of time I’ve spent analyzing them, that they were just as basic as everyone else. My displeasure ricochet through my days like a gunshot in the woods. It went without a care because no one was ever there to hear it. No one knew of my irritation with the multi-soul until I saw them again.

It was Bryce, the purple soul, the soul color that was known for being soft and caring. Reaching out to comfort without pointing out that comfort towards themselves. I bit my lip and hoped they wouldn’t try to pry, but from the information I had gathered, that wasn’t going to be an option. They sat down beside me and gave me a look of concern that made me want to snap at them.

They wore a loose fitting blue jacket and blue jeans, it was simple and gave a nice accent to the purple that swarmed around them. Bryce and the yellow soul, Tobey, wore a jacket that looked a size or so too big as well. It was a common occurrence, they all wore loose clothing to hide their bodies from the peering eyes that stayed glued on them for reasons they themselves didn’t understand. Yet again, something basic that just about every other human did.

My fury was starting to become tangible in the small classroom that was slowly filling up with tired looking kids. They were slowly becoming more alert of the black inky bitterness that flowed out and seeped into their awakening minds. Discomfort was bubbling out of them before they even knew what was really going on. Yellow would have been able to immediately sense this out of me and would question my odd behavior before anyone else could notice. Yellow being the most sensitive to these kinds of feelings.

“Are you okay Mika?” They asked and I sighed, my anger pooling into my gut and making me feel the urge to be pugnacious. Bryce didn’t deserve this, if I wanted to throw hands, then Josh, the vibrant red soul, is the one I should wait for. They were fierce and passionate, begging for blood on their knuckles and bruises for everyone to get a glance at. I tried to will myself to not think about something so audacious as physical violence, but the way my fist clenched underneath the table was hard to ignore. Bryce tilted their head in confusion when I glared over in their direction. After all this time, a part of me hoped that this would be something worth my attention, that they were more than just another person I already had figured out.

“No Bryce, because everyday you’re the same person, but not!” I growled and they raised their pale eyebrows at me, they took a small step back and tried to figure out my issues but it was just too complicated for them to even remotely understand.

I snarled and felt the blood from my palms seep into my fingernails from my tight grip that was grounding me from doing something ridiculous. The fear was becoming increasingly evident in Bryce’s body language but my previous ability to fake being concerned was gone.

“Mika-?” They tried again and I slammed my fist on the table in front of me. They flinched at the loud sound and reached out to try to help. I slapped their hand away.

“No! You wouldn’t understand! No one else on this god forsaken planet does either!” I said, drawing the attention of my peers. The whispering echoed in my head and made me want to shout at them to shut up. My livid mind spouted the anger of built up trauma, all the friends I had lost, the nights where I wanted to cry but the tears never came. The anger that just wanted to strive and find my place in this world.

The looming doom of me knowing I will never be a part of this world without actually acknowledging it. I felt something akin to what was supposed to be anger but also a mix of a foreign emotion tainted my thought process. If my theory was correct, if all the observational evidence I had obtained meant anything, then I could thoroughly identify this superficial emotion as sadness.

There was no way that I, of all people, was feeling such mundane emotions.

It was impossible, my own parents had died and I didn’t even shed a tear. I told them at their grave that there was nothing I could do, so why cry about it? Sadness has never been a part of my emotional scale, always too far away and impossible to drag out of me. Maybe it was the fact that this stupid muse that was supposed to make me feel less lonely was only really making me realize how much I couldn’t fit in. I felt something bubble in my throat and threaten to tear at my eyes, I couldn’t describe what was happening to me, it felt like being burned from the inside out.

If this is what agony felt like, then I want nothing to do with it.

I let out a huff that shook my core. I wouldn’t be like these basic creatures. They were all so hideously pathetic it was infuriating. I let go of the clench in my fist and brought up my hands to run through my hair. Blood staining in the wake of my shaking fingers. The sharp scent of iron bled into my senses and seemed to make everything much worse. As if the smell itself was enough to awaken something inside me. The betrayed terror in Bryce’s eyes was enough to set me off.

They didn’t even know what they were doing wrong. They were acting like they were the victim and it just riled me up more. There was no waiting for the red soul to come, this was happening now whether they liked it or not.

“You were supposed to be special!” I snapped at them, the surprise on Bryce’s face was tangible in the way their mouth shaped into a gape that made me want to slap them. Certain they were going to think I’ve gone insane, and you know what? Maybe I have. This might be the reckoning, the beginning of my ending, but I needed to get this anger out.

“I wanted to finally, finally, find a friend! Someone I could never get bored of! Yet here you are, being so disgustingly basic that it makes me want to hurt you! I’ve spent so much time learning every little detail about you. Learn your habits, see how you reacted, I’ve learned everything about every single one of your personas yet I’ve gained nothing!” I shouted. The teacher called my name, asking me to settle down before I caused any more trouble. I drowned them out. My gaze fixated on the crumbling look on Bryce’s face. A part of me was satisfied, until I saw the soul I have learned so much about pulsating.

My eyes widened, their soul was growing, reaching out and nearly drowning in color. The kaleidoscope of vibrant colors that shone so bright made me feel shock and awe. There were reds and yellows, purples and blues, pinks and greys, every color I had studied surrounded me and kept me still. Bryce looked so sad, the tears falling down their cheeks as a sign of just how far I had pushed them. Pushed them in a way that they couldn’t understand, a way that they hadn’t known would affect them so much.

It was sad, that my first thought was that I might have made a development in my research.

“My p-personas..?” Bryce whispered, a bright red flush cascading from their cheeks to their chest, as if their whole body was heating up and the colors spewed out of them like a boiling pot. I gave a sick smile and my eyes were surely bright with sadism. I couldn’t find the will to care because this was my chance to change everything.

“Yes, you’re not only Bryce, but you’re Tobey, Justin, Victoria, Matthew, Josh, Claudia and the list goes on!” I exclaimed but they were absolutely petrified. I took this normal school day and decided to crash the whole world on top of them.

I gained a sick pleasure in watching this unfold before me. I had kept everything inside so long, seeing someone else broken was a delight.

They gave me an odd look, holding their hands close to their chest as if I had burned them but they were only really feeling intense heat from the soul colors lashing out on them. It was brilliant, such an exquisite array of colors that tainted the body it inhabited and made them art. It was the most beautiful soul I had ever seen, it was like staring at the sun but with so much more vibrancy it was surreal.

I had never seen a soul explode, but that was exactly what I saw.

Maybe a past life was talking to me, but I knew that as soon as I saw the melting colors of their chest I had done something bad.

Bryce’s chest was expanding and they were breathing heavily, like they were burning from the inside out. Their brow was slick with sweat as the gripped onto the desk they stood beside, clammy hand prints were left in the pale hand’s wake as they failed to gain a real grip on the slick desk. I backed away just a little bit, the heat that grew with more intensity as they stared at me with confused horror. I felt little to no remorse, this was a huge advancement in the studies I had been conducting. This could change everything for me.

In an instant, I saw all the colors I had encountered burst before my eyes, every persona I had seen clawed at my mind and I was forced into a state of astonishment. I could hear Tobey’s deep laugh, Matthew’s nervous but passion filled rants, Victoria’s high pitched defiance, Claudia’s vibrant positive tone, Josh’s devilish humor, Bryce’s comforting words, Justin’s tentative complaints. Everything I had ever heard or learned from them seized me right to my spot.

I had never felt guilty, but I knew what it was.

I never felt love, but I knew what that was too; worse of all is that I knew what I wanted, but it was already too late.

They were a person, maybe not a whole one, but a person nonetheless and here I was destroying them for the sake of my amusement. They thought I was their friend, something I had never been called and I was tearing them apart. I felt hot guilt pour into my gut but it was quickly forgotten when I saw them double over and everything became too much to handle.

All I wanted was to stop being so lonely, but I couldn’t figure that out to save my life.

Bright colors flooded my sight, blinding me with so much that it made me gasp in a shuddering breath, my body felt like it was on fire from the heat the soul poured out. There was so much energy sparking around me like I was being flung into the sun. I swore if I looked at my body it would be charred from the burning sensation that consumed me. I let out a shout and fell to my knees. All I could see was searing white but I didn’t cry, because I don’t know how to. Pain had always been internal, never outside where it could be tangible so it was always easy to ignore. I blinked at the whiteness but it didn’t dissipate, colors assaulted my mind as a reminder to just what I had seen.

I couldn’t stop the words that tumbled out of my mouth, the sound strained in my ears at the intense ringing in my head after I spoke.

“B-Bryce.” I coughed out but it was eerily silent from their end, the only thing I could hear was the sound of footsteps being ushered out of the room and cries of confusion.

The silence didn’t last long, medics came in and quickly moved Bryce from wherever they were, the sound of shuffling and wheels rolling out were the only thing I could focus on. I tried to speak again but the taste of iron assaulted my tongue, I reached up to my lips and rubbed at the wetness that had unknowingly streaked down my face. I blinked and felt something thick build up around my eyes, I wiped at the liquid and heard someone behind me gasp and another run out. I picked up my head and blinked some more, I still couldn’t see anything.

The smell was the same one that started this whole thing: the smell of blood.

“W-What..?” I shuddered and there were suddenly hands on my shoulder. Whoever they were was calm, but the undertone of panic didn’t escape me. I scrunch my eyebrows and pain bursts behind my eyes at the action. I let out a whimper that was pathetic, my hands coming up to wipe at my eyes again but nothing was helping. It felt like needles behind my eyelids as the iron smell tainted my nose and tongue.

“Mika? Mika I need you to calm down and stop rubbing your eyes, okay?” An unfamiliar voice spoke, but the smell of latex and chemicals told me that they were at least here for medical reasons. I huffed out and felt the hot iron reeking liquid start to dry on my cheeks. It was smeared on my face but I couldn’t focus on that right now. My mind was too foggy to even panic about the fact that I couldn’t see two inches in front of my face. I felt them place something over my eyes making my lids close out of reflex. The material felt like cotton as it was pressed and taped to my temples. I reached up to touch the fabric but they took my hands and told me to not touch my eyes again.

“My eyes-?” I tried to ask but the person in front of me hushed me. My body is too weak to fight like I wanted it to. Everything felt like it was being drained out of me. The conflicting thoughts and rigid limbs were weighing me down more than it ever has before. The hands from before helped me to my feet and asked me if I could walk, I numbly nodded and followed the person who escorted me obediently. My mind was clouded with shock, but the prominent thought was that Bryce might actually be dead.

“Bryce-are they going to be okay?” I demanded. The person leading me gave out a soft sigh that told me they didn’t know.

The feeling that I had observed before, the one so prominent when death became involved bubbled up my throat.

It was the same feeling that echoed down the halls of my vacant home when extended family came to make sure I hadn’t died yet; the feeling I had learned was pity. It had been directed at me so much that I knew what it was without even seeing it. I felt the cotton against my eyelashes and gripped at my jeans. I didn’t want to know why pity would be thrown my way. If anything they should be livid at me, ashamed I even walk with the sane after doing something so awful to a person. My studies had never gone to this extent, but in all honesty, I never thought about what my limit was exactly.

I made their soul explode, the only thing worse than that was death and it was a possibility at this moment.

The rest of the way I was quiet, my tongue too heavy with guilt to form words. I hoped that Bryce would be okay. That all the persona’s would be okay. I hate that my second thought was that I still wanted to know what this outcome had led to. If I had made a new breakthrough. My awful thoughts, my irrational ways, my impulsive actions, it was all building up inside my chest and pressing against my rib cage.

I was sick with myself at this point.

I let out a shuddering breath and felt more hot liquid stream down my face; I was certain it was blood from how thick it felt against the cotton. I pulled at my jeans once again and felt the tape they had placed on the sides of my head tug at my hair but I kept my eyes closed. They rubbed away the blood as well as they could with a moving vehicle jerking us around. The sound of sirens rang in my ears loud enough to drag my attention to my current situation. I heard them talk but it was pretty much gibberish in my ears. Everything felt like I was spinning even though I refused to see if it really was. It felt like pressure was building up between my eyes like I was bound to explode as the pain throbbed out to the rest of my skull.

I was out like a light right after that.

I don’t recall when I actually woke up. It all felt like a blur. I definitely knew it was quiet, the ominous kind of silence that gave you chills when you roamed your home alone. The feeling that was supposed to flood me was nonexistent. Fear and tears were never part of my lifestyle until recently.

The texture of the sheets under me and the smell of chemicals assaulted my senses with how unfamiliar everything around me was. I felt cotton on my eyes and I went to pull at it but someone stopped me before I could. A cold hand reached out and held my wrist making me jump at the contact. It was an foreign sensation, feeling someone's skin on my own, even more jarring since I didn’t know who could possibly be with me.

“Hello Mika.” They spoke and I was frozen with shock, there was no way that was Bryce but the tone made it seem like it was. This tone was a bit deeper, a bit softer, but it was nonetheless the sound of the person I had my sights on for so long. The sound of someone I thought I had accidentally killed.

“B-Bryce..?” I asked.

They let out a small laugh.

“Call me Alina.”

I huffed, Alina was light in Greek, and they were definitely an array of light. They were beautiful compared to everyone else. Even if right now I couldn’t see anything with the cloth over my eyes, I was certain that the soul I had become so familiar with would be white. All the colors of the rainbow make white so it had to be.

I must've smiled. “You like the name? We all picked it.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. The fabric rubbed against my forehead at the moment but they still got the picture. Their hand tapped at my wrist, as if they were feeling my pulse. I recognized it as Grey’s nervous tics, they tapped on anything near them when things got too much for them. I pursed my lips at the feeling. I was confused, they probably liked that I was the one in the dark this time.

“We..?” I asked and the sound of the chair scraping against tile and the weight that was suddenly pressed against my side told me that they had gotten up and sat down on the bed beside me. They pulled my hand into their lap. I swore I could feel warmth start to build up under their skin. It reminded me of the heat that had poured out of them before. I took in a sharp breath and they tapped on my hand like they knew what I had thought.

“Yeah, it’s cool huh? You know, I know so much now, not nearly as much as you do about souls, but I know you and that’s good enough.” They chuckled and I felt a heat pool into my stomach. I didn’t know what they were going on about, it was all so confusing. I didn’t understand what they were getting at, did this mean we were still friends after all the shit I put them through? I opened my mouth to speak but they hushed me before the words could tumble off my lips.

“We understand why you did what you did, however, it seems as though the Heavens had a punishment to give you in return for making my soul explode. Which, by the way, was very painful.” They chided with a bittersweet undertone. They were willing to forgive me even when I was an awful human being. It gave me some level of comfort that I couldn’t quite decipher.

Soon, I felt fingertips on my cheeks that made me jerk away from them. The hands followed my movements until they were clasped around the cotton-like fabric. They were so close that I could smell the Irish Spring Victoria used and the faint scent of the leather jacket Josh wears all the time. I didn’t get to dwell on the thought for long, the cold air made me flinch when they pulled the fabric away from my eyes. It was an odd feeling, the ointment they had on my lids made it hard for me to open my eyes but my body insisted I must.

I wish I hadn’t.

Everything was black.

I sucked in a sharp breath and blinked rapidly, hoping that maybe it was just my imagination. I raised my hand in front of my face but I couldn’t see it. Panic took over my senses as they reached over and wrapped their hands around one of my wrists as if trying to calm me down. I let out a small whine and touched my face.

I couldn’t fucking see it, was the mantra that pounded at all sides of my skull. The pain behind my eyes was ever present as my heart raced with a fear that I haven't experienced before.

“T-This isn’t funny, turn on the lights.” I let out.

Alina let out a sound that was strangled. I turned to the sound and blinked more. The feeling of pity was washed over me again. A hand touched my face. I felt wet hot tears brush against my cheek. It wasn’t my tears though. The thought was more unsettling than I would have liked. I heard them take in a shuddering breath as they leaned into me, their head resting on my shoulder as they cried.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough, that you did this, that I got you hurt.”

They sobbed and I furrowed my eyebrows. Why were they apologizing to me?

They let out a huff that felt wet against my skin. I turned my head a little towards them as they wrapped their arms around my torso. It was an odd sensation, being hugged, but I didn’t spitefully reject their attempt at comfort. The arms were warm. Seeping into my skin and helping me from the inside out. As if they were trying to cure the incurable, because how could you possibly restore my sight?

I carefully lifted my arms and reached out to their shoulders, my hands sliding across their back before returning the hug. It was the first time I had ever cried, and I couldn’t even see it. I couldn’t look up into a mirror and see how red my cheeks would get. I couldn’t see if the sides of my eyes would crinkle as wet sadness built up before spilling out onto my cheeks. I couldn’t see myself in a state that was so pitiful, a sight I deserved to see and be seen as.

It was an ironic ending for me.

All my life I was surrounded by color, studied every color of the rainbow and memorized them. I was fascinated by the souls around me that I never took time to figure out on my own. It didn’t matter to me at the time, even if I knew what color it was. I let out a weak laugh, nothing had been important to me. I couldn’t see myself ever ending up in the situation I’m in. It never occurred to me that the very thing that made me special was ever going to be taken away from me.

I felt Alina’s tears hit my skin and I felt them pull away as I stared into the abyss that stared right back at me. I felt the fingers rub at the sides of my face and heard the painful cries of the person before me but my mind was locked on something else entirely. An irony that shook my core and tore at my mentality, a truly Shakespearean demise for me.

The only color I could see was the color of my own soul. The color I would be bestowed for the rest of my life, the color that was just the opposite of life itself: Black.