Black Fade

Days have passed, I’m sure of it. That much...I should know. Do I know? I do not know where I am. I do not know what time it is. To be clear, I’m not even sure how many days have passed. All I know is black. The feel of the gritty floor beneath my hands and the slight draft telling me I’m inside somewhere, perhaps a basement of sorts.

While my hands are free, my ankles are both chained to the wall. I can not walk far, I can only reach one wall, the clinking of the chains following as I stumble forwards, backwards, tugging on my ankles if I go too far left or right. I want to scream, to get help, to escape.

My memory is fuzzy, dehydration clouding the synapses of my brain to recall my last vivid memory outside of this black room. It seems unending. The lack of sensory triggers makes me nervous. My hands are clammy, my throat dry as sandpaper. My breath grating on my oesophagus, I think I can taste blood when I breathe. I feel both hot and cold. Panic over taking my body before I gain control again.

Where am I? Why am I here? Where was I before? What was I doing? Is there a reason I am here? The questions repeated constantly in my mind, I curl up beside the wall, leaning on it for stability. And then, I fade out of consciousness again

I feel wrong. Something has happened, yet I can not recall what it was.

My body aches and throbs to the rhythm of my heart beat. I’m wheezing air in and out of my lungs. My head pounds, sharp and grating. A gooey substance running down from the top of my skull. Blood? Am I bleeding? I touch my hand to the liquid, thicker than I thought blood could be… almost… like slime. I recall the term ‘congealed’. I follow my hand along to thick goop leaking out of me and find the source.

On the crown of my head, a steady pulsing of liquid is leaving my body. How long have I been in this state? Why? How do I get out of here?

I release a shaking breath, lowering my now shaking hands. Is shock setting in? Is this a dream?

I close my eyes and hug my knees to my chest, curled on my side, I rock back and forth trying to steady my thoughts, my breath, my body. I must stay in control. I must get out of here.

What season was is? Winter. I remember snow falling, small creeks frozen over. I remember… What do I remember?

Breathe. Shuddering breathes catch in my rough throat. Remember, I must remember.

I squeeze my eyes closed, seeing colours burst and fade at the intensity to which I hold them shut. Fireworks bursting forth from eyelids clasped closed, bursting from darkness I can not differentiate from myself or where I am chained in a room. Remember… remember what…What am I supposed to remember?

Rocking back and forth, I throw my memory back through the haze, fighting my muddled mind to recall how I got here, to what happened.

Snow. Clean, crisp snow. Ice coating the roads. Cars veering in all directions. A sickening crunch, metal on metal, A jolt that threw me back into a seat, then forwards into… into what? It was both hard and cushy at the same time… what..? An airbag! The sound of smashing glass, a pop. The airbag burst as pieces of glass sprayed through the air.

I was in a car accident. Through barriers on a wooded road. A space cleared of trees, snow falling heavily, twilight falling over my world.

Screaming. Me? No… The voices were distant. Horns blasting from other drivers. Crunch. Oh, god. My breath hitched then as it does now recalling the memory. Metal ripping metal as the car teetered on the edge. Blasts of cold air blowing into the car cabin.

I remember a frightened “Mommy..?” from the back seat…

A child? MY child? Did I have a child?

Oh no. Oh god. I want to pull away from the memory, but my mind does not allow it. I scream for it to stop, but it only continues onwards. I’m clawing my hands through my matted hair, tears leaking from my still clenched eyes.

Crunch, screech. We were falling, me and the young girl strapped in to a booster seat.

In the memory, it feels like we fell for hours, panic and sorrow enveloping my senses.

“I’m so sorry, Sara…” I whispered to the young girl. My eyes pinned on the large pond beneath the bridge we were falling from.

A frozen pond. In the middle of winter.

I scream a ragged sound from my raw throat, it feels like tearing. Inconsolable, heart wrenching, sounds escape me.

We crashed through the ice bonnet first, sinking into the freezing water slowly. Leaking into the car, the water so cold, so, so cold, as we suddenly get pulled under, no longer buoyant to stay above the water line… Everything is black after that.

“Stop. Stop. That didn’t happen.” I whisper to myself.

I hear a creaking of a door opening. But I can not open my eyes yet. I do not want to. The hitch of a lock being turned in place. Steps thumping downwards towards me, getting louder as the come closer to my heaving, shaking body.

“I see you are remembering.” A rough man’s voice says to me. No kindness, No emotion. Purely monotone, unemotional, uncaring. “We have much to discuss, Mary…”

I jolt in recognition… as my body goes numb, and I fade out again.