Big Bones

He stormed out of the small apartment and slammed the door as hard as he could with his good arm. Putting all his weight forward the door crashed closed, scaring a cat somewhere and causing a dog to bark relentlessly from across the hall. It's small silhouette jumped up and down at the opaque glass front door. His arm in the sling tingled with some pain but he thought he deserved it. The whole thing had blown his mind and taken his breath. He gripped the thin wooden rail extra tightly in his hand as he descended the tight stair. He couldn't believe his ears when she said it. Whenever he had come home crying after being made fun of at school she had said it. She said it to him when family members would look with faces of skepticism and lean in to whisper to her. She had told him his whole life, "You're not fat darling, you're just husky." The last word would sometimes change. "Solid." "Strong." "Big boned." All the same stupid thing. He was not "solid", his body gave way with the slightest touch. He was not "strong", he could barely make it up the steps to his own apartment most days. And he definitely was not big boned! His bones were perfectly normal sized. He was a huge, cow-like, wobbling, sweaty, sausage fingered, blob of a man shaped like a melting ice-cream that couldn't see over his own breasts or tie his shoes! In short, he was fat. Had been fat his entire life. Fat, weak, fat, dumb, and fat. Not big boned.

His doctor held the x-ray to the back light and showed him the state of his arm bone. The arm was broken, but the tears that came flooding his eye sight had not come because of a broken arm. He saw his bones. Completely normal bones, skinny, like sticks to his eyes and they were barely able to hold him up now, as he turned out of the open building door and past the corner store of the avenue. His doctor had spoken so gently and matter of fact. "Your weight will be problem for your healing and your arm may not set properly due to your weight. I'm going to suggest-" She touched his good shoulder with her slender hand."-that you start an exercise regime sooner, rather than later." He had gone all of his twenty four years thinking the only person that loved him was his mother and the rest of the world simply didn't understand that he was special and that he was just "big for his age". That he "needed to eat to grow big and strong". That he was just "big boned".

"How did you break your arm again?" The doctor had asked, pushing her glasses up her nose as she looked at the x-ray hard. "Fell." Is all he said to the doctor, but he had broken it after he had slept on it wrong. He had passed out in truth from a blind binge of sadness after Ninti, the girl in the cubicle next to him, had refused to go on a date with him. He had sat there on the couch, tears streaming down his swollen cheeks as he stuffed more and more pizza, wings, french-fries, his favorite purple bagged chips, a philly, a tub of fried chicken, and even more french-fries down his gullet. There was more, including donuts, donut holes, Big Debbies, and a chocolate cake that his mother had made for him with a molten center and twenty four little candles in the shape of a heart for his birthday. But he always saved his sweets for last. The huge flat screen television was on at the side of his bed but he didn't see or hear it at all. Instead he fumed on Ninti's single word. The only word the beautiful girl had ever said to him in his two years of working there next to her. "No." He had not finished all the food, he had been reaching for another slice of New York's cheeziest before passing out.

He didn't know why seeing his bones had triggered him but he knew he needed to confront his mother for lying and ruining his life. He was going to give her a piece of his mind and cut her off from his life for as long as she lived. But when he walked into the dim one bed apartment that he had grown up in all he could ask her was "Why?" Why had she lied to him about this? Why had she hadn't forced him to do more activities? Why she never made him be more like the other boys? Why she had made it so no-one else could love him? "Why?" And all she said was, "Because, I love you." If she truly loved him he would be normal! He would be fit like the models in the clothes he couldn't fit. He would be a star on the tv he watched. He would have Ninti at his side as they went for runs in the park. If she had truly loved him, he would be happy. But he wasn't and the tears that rolled down his mother's face didn't make him feel nearly as good as he thought it would. In fact it made him feel worse. Storming out and slamming the door helped some but he needed something more! He needed food.

He finally made it to his apartment and rode the freight elevator up when he saw someone had gotten on the other elevator. Another slap to his fat face for being too fat to share the small elevators. He waddled down the hall and was almost to his door when a small Chinese woman rounded the corner with her three children. He did his best to make space but he took up so much of the hall that the four of them barely had enough space to squeeze past. He didn't like the way the children turned all the way around to stare at him as their mother led them to the elevator. Staring at him like he was some grotesque in a carnival. He waddled the rest of the way to his door and thought he heard snickering coming from further down the hall and saw two heads disappear around the corner. He knew they were laughing at him. He knew it and his huge sausage fingers sweated with the knowledge as he fumbled with his keys and finally unlocked his door.

He sidled his way inside and went directly to his room and sitting on his night side table was the chocolate cake. He plopped down on his bed and felt it give under his massive weight but he told himself that didn't care. He just dug one greedy hand into the cake and shoveled the sweet rich chocolatey goodness into his mouth. If his family thought he was a fat disgusting monster, he'd be that. If Ninti thought he was a slob, he'd be that. If those kids thought he was grotesque, he'd be that. With every thought, came another handful of chocolate cake until something caught in his throat. He stopped mid shovel and dropped the cake he had in his hand. He was choking. He hacked and coughed and nothing came up. He grabbed his throat uselessly and tried to rise from his bed but he couldn't. He tried to scream but he couldn't. He tried reaching down his throat but he couldn't. He could only think of his mother.

They found him weeks after. His mother hadn't tried to call because of the shame she felt. No one at work had missed him since he was out for his injury. His neighbors thought it had been rotting food they were smelling until it had gotten so foul they the Chinese woman next door had called the apartment superintendent when the stink began to seep through the walls. They found him, in bed, cake on the floor and splattered all across the walls with only twenty three candles on the floor.