Beneath the surface

"Put that down dear..."She trailed off. "Lost things from before..." I could see her pondering her next words, turning them over in her mind, analyzing them carefully, as to choose the best ones. Right as I was about to put my unwanted two cents in, without skipping a beat she jumped right back into it, " ..Simply are not meant to be found. That's why they're called lost things. Isn't that right, dear?"

I rolled my eyes as her "motherly" explanation was finally coming to a close. She was the queen of the "because I said so" style parenting. When her mind was made up, there was no swaying her.

She watched me expectantly, a despaired plea written in what used to be the laugh lines on her face, pointing at the sod beneath our feet.

I laughed, unwarranted even by myself. It was a shrill, laugh full of resentment and disbelief. I wanted to shout, shake her, anything that might finally make her realize, I'm not a kid anymore. I haven't had that luxury in almost 2 years. Ever since my childhood innocence was carried away on that gourney with my brother, never to be seen again.

I threw my hands up, and with them a sigh from deep inside. Defeat. "Fine, mom." I was overwhelmed and ready to snap, but I couldn't. The hollowness inside of me consumed most of my other feelings, ravaging with relentless hunger. I put my hands in my pockets as to walk away, Instead I was reminded by a memory, fleeting but full of purpose, although I didn't know it at the time.

It was Jacob and his new girlfriend Marina. They had just started dating a few weeks ago, and he wasn't sure how he was feeling about it all. Their relationship had grown ten-fold in the short amount of time they had known one another. He was the captain of the Mathletes, had a scholarship waiting for him at M.I.T and everything. She on the other hand, was what my mom liked to call "a bit out there". She always had her head in the clouds, thinking up new stories to read to us, and they were always amazing. But there was something about her, that nobody could ever quite put their finger on. Something hidden, protected.

They were sitting across from each other at the dinner table speaking urgently while some squat balding news reporter rambles on in the background about this week's weather, that they probably got wrong. He always told us "She was sent to me, right when we needed her." I always brushed it off, thinking it was just some stupid teen sappy love-sick style speaking, never taking the time to ask and understand what he truly meant.

Seeing the memory this time though, I could sense an overall feeling of worry on the back of their minds that I didn't notice before. As I continue walking into the kitchen, Marina looks up and notices me coming, causing a 180 shift in their entire demeanor. Whatever they had been talking about, causing a sense of pensive desperation to be cast over them, was gone. It was like they had been having a happy-go-lucky conversation the whole time. But I knew Jacob better than that. Or at least I thought I did.

As I approached the table, I watched Marina's hand auto pilot to playing with the necklace she always wore.. It was an ornate heart shaped locket, made out of brass and little pieces of ivory and bone, strung on a flimsy chain around her slender neck. It was as beautiful as it was intimidating, though I couldn't pin point why. One thing I knew though, was that she couldn't help but hold it when she was nervous. "Weird sort of anxiety tick", I always thought.

"Hey Jules!" Marina cried out to me with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. It wasn't enough though. Despite everyone else being head over heels for her, I didn't like her. I didn't trust her. And I didn't feel the need to.

"Uh, hi Jake. Why the long face? Did someone miss the toilet and piss in your cheerios?" Leave it to me to make breakfast gross and unappealing, while leaving a resonating unsatisfactory taste in your mouth. My work here was done. I grabbed a protein bar, and chuckled under my breath as I walked towards the door.

As the memory slowly fades out I realize that I'm now laying on the ground soaked in my own tears and morning dew. Why had that memory come to me now? What did it mean? And why did i still hate Marina for what happened to Jacob?

I could hear mom calling me from not too off in the distance, annoyance on the forefront of her voice. "Julie Marie, do you hear me?! I'm not playing one of your games today. I won't do it. Do you hear me?!"

I took a deep breath before standing up, needing to settle my nerves and regroup my thoughts. I began walking down the dirt path towards her, retorting with "Mom, if I were playing a game, you would never know. And you'd never win."

We resumed walking down the dirt path, about three miles away from the next encampment. Plenty of time to sort shit out in my head, I thought to myself. I put my hands back in my pockets, and wrapped one around the lost treasure I had picked up earlier, before my mom so rudely demanded that I leave it behind. What she doesn't know won't hurt her, I reasoned to myself, as I fumbled Marina's heart shaped locket in my pocket.