Bendigo and 4-H-N

4-H-N stepped out of the Royal Palace gates and into the starry Martian night, feeling happy and contented and a little bit guilty for doing so. She knew that earlier in the evening there had been some bad news from her sister Neetra, and the problem, whatever it was, had made their parents argue, so 4-H-N had decided to go round and see Crosius while they were still clearing the air. Of course, it was always nice to spend a couple of romantic hours with your boyfriend, and when he was king of a whole planet and lived in a great big luxurious palace it was nicer still. That was what made 4-H-N feel slightly bad, to have been having such a good time tonight when things were obviously amiss between her mother and father. It just went to show, 4-H-N thought to herself as she set off for home, that there was always someone worse off than you…

Then that very same old saying was borne out for 4-H-N a second time, as she tripped over a wretched, cowering and very large heap of misery and filth squatting by the roadside. Stumbling and turning around to face the beggar, for such was what she took him to be, she made to apologise…but then her eyes opened wide as she saw him properly for the first time. He was not Martian as she had expected, but a muscular human man clutching a near-empty bottle of green liquour, and though it took her vision a moment to pierce through the fetid rags he was wearing and the grime that coated his face and frame, she recognised him.

“Bendigo?” 4-H-N breathed.

“A warrior’s darkest hour,” Bendigo slurred bitterly, attempting to focus his gaze on her. “Disgraced…dishonoured…a lowly outcast! O, why was I ever so manly and virile as to embark on this ill-fated voyage of self-discovery?”

“Bendigo, I’m so glad you’re alive!” cried 4-H-N, kneeling down to him and putting her hands on his huge shoulders. “But what happened? How did you get like this?”

“My…my greatest challenge,” hiccupped Bendigo. “It came, as it must to every warrior, and I was...O, found wanting!”

Nottingham, on the day of Dimension Borg’s invasion. Millions of killer robots swarmed the streets, locked in battle with the human army and all The Four Heroes’ allies. In the midst of the city-wide fray, Bendigo spied one of the invaders and bounded onto a rooftop to face it down. Unfortunately, being a native of an era nine centuries ago, Bendigo’s grasp of robotic design was limited and he didn’t realise he was looking at the wrong end.

“Well might you stare in silence, monster of metal!” he declaimed to the back of the robot’s head. “For this day you face the mightiest of all martial artists, the hero of a thousand fearsome battles, the – ”

The robot, which at the time was fighting a troop of soldiers, deflected one of their shells over its shoulder and into the building on which Bendigo stood. The explosion flung him head-over-heels from the roof while his opponent continued its clash with the soldiers, never having been aware of Bendigo’s presence.

A pack of Girl Guides was hurrying along a nearby lane to their evacuation site when a burly, delirious and decidedly singed form crashed into their path. “Hey, look!” exclaimed the portliest of the six. “Do you think he’s one of The Four Heroes’ friends?”

“I’ve never heard of him,” her flat-faced patrol-mate rejoindered. “Looks more like some sort of harmless crazy man to me!”

“Well, crazy or not, he’s no robot which means he’ll want to evacuate to Mars the same as us,” the hamstery Sixer decided. “Let’s get him to the rocket! Ethel, Betty, grab his legs, Delia and Winnie, the arms, and Ada, you sort of try to support him from underneath. I’ll lead the way because I’m the most important. Quickly now, girls!”

“Unmanned…humbled…rescued by the very damsels it is my sworn duty to protect,” Bendigo bawled to 4-H-N, and promptly downed most of what was left in his bottle. “O, the ignominy, the humiliation, the shame!”

“Hey, damsels can look after themselves, you know!” 4-H-N declared indignantly. “I used to do pretty well against The Baron’s robots with my damsel friends! And will you lay off the Martian wine? Too much of that stuff won’t do you any good, believe me,” she added, with a small shudder as she remembered her one experience of it.

“’Tis not Martian wine,” retorted the stubborn Bendigo. “’Tis finest mead, made of honey from the bees that gambol in the sunny pastures at Nottingham hillside’s foot, brewed with sparkling water drawn of the Castle Rock spring, and I am home, on my planet, in my time, for never did I leave that happy realm, never did I begin my fool’s errand to other worlds so full of woe…!”

“C’mon, big guy, you’ve had enough,” 4-H-N said gently, taking the bottle. “Now let’s get you some help. Do you think I’m going to leave you here like this? After all we’ve been through together, all that time on the jungle world and everything since then? Doctor Mendelssohn’s lab’s not far from here. I’ll take you to him so we can get you sobered up, and we’ll see where to go from there.”

4-H-N stood, and with great effort helped the heavy bulk of Bendigo to his feet. Finally he was upright, and after taking many seconds to steady himself and gain his bearings, he began in an empty voice: “Aye, where to go from there? I am grateful for your assistance, sweet magical conjuration of the noble house of Neetkins’s benign sorcery, but in my quest to become a warrior I have proved sorely unfit. What am I to do, now I have failed in my life’s one true calling?”

“Maybe it’s time to think about a career change, Bendigo,” 4-H-N said encouragingly. “I’m sure there’s a whole universe of opportunity out there for an intelligent, capable, good-looking guy like you! Now, can you walk? Then let’s go!”