Before You

In the moonlight, Aaron runs his fingers through Heath’s hair. The two are shrouded in sadness as the departure time for Heath’s train approaches. While he goes back to Cambridge, Aaron will stay here to maintain his family’s estate and take care of his mother and sisters.

The forest provides them with the privacy they need. It’s the only place they can truly love and be loved by one another. Beyond the forest’s border lies a society of expectations for them both, and none of those expectations lead to them being together. But, in the forest, in their spot under an old pear tree, they can forget about society.

“I should be back in winter for holiday,” Heath breaks the silence.

Aaron doesn’t respond. The “should” feels unpromising and he’d rather not get his hopes up. Heath sits upright and looks into Aaron’s eyes.

“You know I love you, right?”

“It’s the only thing I’m certain of,” Aaron responds.

A train whistle weaves its way through the trees and meets them where they sit. Without a word, they stand up. Heath picks up his suitcase and they begin walking in the direction of the sound.

“I know you’ll be writing, so be sure to write to me,” Heath says.

“I will,” Aaron pauses, “the town’s paper keeps offering me a slot. They say the readers should be exposed to more poetry before it turns into a dying art.”

“That’s fantastic! You’ll have to send the papers to Cambridge.”

The train whistle blows again. The lights of the train station peak through the forest. Soon they’ll be at the end, and soon they’ll have to say goodbye.

“I’m glad we could see each other one last time before you left.”

Heath stops just before the forest opens up to the station lawn. He sets down his suitcase and pulls Aaron in for a final kiss. They stay in that moment for some time, then Aaron pulls his lips away and says, “you are the moonlight in my darkness.”

Heath smiles, “forever,” then wipes a tear off of Aaron’s cheek.

“You’ve got to get going,” Aaron says, then picks up Heath’s suitcase and hands it to him, “can’t become a doctor in the forest.”

“I suppose not,” Heath takes the suitcase, “goodbye, my love.”

“Until winter,” Aaron says.

Heath smiles at him then walks into the opening. Aaron stays in the forest’s shadows and watches him walk away.

—

Aaron takes the long way home and allows himself to sulk in his tragic reality. He dreams of the future he wants with Heath and the life that would bring him true joy. He scoffs at the idea of Heath getting married to a respectable woman, from a respectable family, all for the sake of maintaining a respectable society. Nobody knows Heath like he does, no one else would be able to love him the way he deserves.

—

Heath looks for an open seat on the train as it pulls out of the station. It’s late, but the car he’s in is alive. Several classmates shout for him over the chatter and he makes his way toward the front of the car. He swallows the lump in his throat and holds his tears captive as he sits with them. They’re talking about their summers. They talk about their apprenticeships. They talk about their girlfriends. Heath doesn’t say much because Aaron is the only thing on his mind.

—

Aaron fights between love and anger as he walks around a neighboring farm’s lake. The two feelings mix together and give him an idea. He’ll write poems for the newspaper professing his love for an unnamed lover. Then they’ll be published for everyone in town to read, for everyone in town to feel and yearn for a love like the one in his poems. His revenge will be them unknowingly fantasizing about the very love they forbid. The women will lie awake at night wondering when their husbands will look at them the way he writes about Heath. The men will fixate on the idea that their wives don’t admire them the way he writes about Heath.

He runs the remainder of the way home and heads straight for the study.

—

Heath looks from the train window and watches the countryside pass by trying not to think of the space growing between him and Aaron.

“Heath,” a classmate drags him into the conversation, “did you have a lady this summer?”

“Um,” he hesitates, “no.”

All of his mates start teasing him for his lack of luck.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find you a girl in Cambridge,” one of them says.

—

Aaron pulls out a fresh piece of parchment and begins writing.

People believe that before God, there was nothing.

I know, before you, there was nothing for me.

My nights were spent wandering in a dark forest,

howling into the emptiness, and barely able to see.

—

The train slides across the tracks and the people inside Heath’s car are either chatting or settling down to get a nap in. Heath starts to feel light headed and weak.

“Whoa, you okay?” one of his classmates asks.

“You don’t look so good,” another says.

Heath is growing pale and beginning to look sickly.

“I don’t… feel so well.”

“You need a bin, it looks like you’re going to be sick.”

—

Aaron’s eyes fill with tears as he remembers what it felt like to meet Heath for the first time and continues writing.

I found you in the middle, by the pear tree,

Where you offered me a bite.

It tasted forbidden, it tasted like freedom.

The clouds covering my seemingly eternal dark night,

Opened like the Red Sea,

And I saw you in light.

—

One of the classmates finds a bag for him to hold in case he needs to vomit. His hands are so weak he can’t grip the bag.

“Check his pulse,” one says to another.

He takes Heath’s pulse, “it’s fading, he’s getting really weak.”

“He needs a doctor.”

“We’re all in med school-”

“He needs an actual doctor.”

“Are there any doctors on board?” one shouts down the train car.

People that were starting to doze off are now stirring trying to figure out what’s going on.

“I’m a doctor,” a man says as he makes his way to the front, carrying a bag.

—

The way your eyes transported me to your soul,

Made my love grow tangled and deep like the roots of trees.

—

The doctor digs through his bag and pulls out a tool to examine Heath’s eyes.

“His pupils are dilated,” the doctor says, “has he taken anything?”

“Not that we’re aware of.”

“Yeah, and Heath wouldn’t take nothing that’s not prescribed anyway.”

—

The electricity between my fingertips and your scalp,

is the only reason the blood beneath my skin flows.

—

Heath’s fingers and hands start to turn blue.

“He’s getting no circulation in his extremities,” the doctor notes, “I’ve only seen this in patients that..”

“That what?” asks one of the mates.

“That have extreme blood loss, but your friend isn’t bleeding.”

“Get back everyone,” someone shouts, trying to push back the gathering crowd.

—

When my lips feel the pulse on your neck,

I feel nothing exists but our souls intertwined.

—

The doctor holds his stethoscope to Heath’s heart, “his pulse is weak, almost non-existent.”

Heath begins to convulse and shake.

“He’s having a seizure,” the doctor shouts, “move aside.”

Heath’s classmates move back and push the other passengers out of the way. The doctor guides Heath into the aisle and turns him on his side. Foam begins to flow out of his mouth and his eyes roll back into his head.

—

Before you, I wasted time howling into emptiness,

There was nothing,

But now there is everything with you.

—

The doctor watches Heath seize in astonishment. He doesn’t know what to do.

“Help him!” yells one of his friends.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what to do,” the doctor admits, “I don’t have the resources on this train.”

Heath’s body jerks and people turn their heads so they don’t see anymore of the scene.

—

I howl for you,

You are the moonlight in my darkness.

Aaron sets his pen down, and whispers, “I love you, Heath.”

—

Heath stops seizing and the train is silent. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to Heath’s heart.

“Nothing,” the doctor says, then looks at his watch, “time of death, 11:59pm.”

The train’s brakes screech to life as it begins its deceleration into the Cambridge train station.

—

Aaron slips the poem into an envelope and labels it with the name and address of the local newspaper. He pours melted red wax onto the back of the envelope and seals it with his family crest. Their love will be immortalized in the minds of all who read it.