Bastianelo

Once upon a time, there lived a humble farmer's son, who became quite taken with a foolish girl named Elsie. Many folks thereabouts, in town and village, took to calling her "Clever Else," to mock her, simply because she seemed so foolish. She worked all day and all night, yet, she seemed to accomplish very little, for she would often stop to ponder the strangest things; and these things being so sad, she would fall to weeping.

Well, it was not long before the young man was old enough to marry, and decided that he should take Elsie for his bride. They had a wonderful, splendid (if rather inexpensive) wedding, and then they had a huge supper with Elsie's family and his own, all in attendance.

There was much drinking and merry-making, but, finally, the young groom's father said, "Ah! It is getting late, and there is much work to be done on the morrow. I'm afraid I must be leaving now." And with that, he bid his son adieu, and left the cottage of the happy couple.

Soon, all the other guests did the same, until it was not long before the only ones left behind to clean up were Elsie, himself, and her dear mother and father. Well, the father was quite drunk, but said, "Wine! Wine! I need some more wine! Come, Elsie, go to the cellar and fetch us some more wine in this pitcher!" And so Elsie, ever a dutiful daughter, did as she was told.

She went downstairs and found the cask of wine, but, just as she was about to fill the pitcher, a terrible thought struck her. "What would happen," she said to herself, "if I should have a baby, and call him Bastianelo, and he should die? Oh, then I would be grieved, and cry the live long day." And with that, the stupid girl dropped the pitcher, the wine running out all across the floor, and creating a pool at her feet.

Well, upstairs, the husband and the mother and father of Clever Elsie waited and waited, and soon became impatient. The mother said, "I wonder what is keeping that girl? I'll have to go downstairs and check on her." And so she went down to the cellar, and saw the pool of wine spilling across the floor, and said to her daughter, "Oh my daughter, why weepest thou?"

And Clever Else said, "I am weeping for, one day, I may have a baby and call him Bastianelo. And he may die! And, if that happens, I will be sorely grieved!"

And the foolish girl's even more foolish mother, thinking this the saddest story of all the sad stories she had ever heard, soon began to weep herself. Meanwhile, upstairs, Elsie's husband and father were growing more and more impatient, waiting for the two of them to return with the pitcher of wine. Finally, Elsie's father said, "I wonder what in the world could be keeping those two women from coming back upstairs with more wine? I'll have to go and have a look as to what could be going on down there!"

And with that he got up, and, going down the stairs (perhaps a bit unsteadily for all the wine he had drunk), saw the spreading pool of red at the foot of the cellar stairs, and at first thought it was blood. Then he heard Elsie and her mother weeping in the cellar darkness.

"Oh, my daughter, why weepest thou?" He asked the same thing of his wife.

And Clever Elsie replied, "I am weeping for, one day, I may have a baby named Bastianelo, and he may die! And, oh my father, if that happens, I should surely grieve myself unto the grave!"

And the foolish father of the foolish wife and their foolish daughter all now wept, for they saw that, indeed, should such a tragic event occur, it would, in truth, cause just such a fate as Elsie predicted.

Well, the husband, tired and ready for bed, was becoming very impatient at being left upstairs to twiddle his thumbs. He said to himself, "What in the world could be keeping Elsie, her mother, and her father from coming back upstairs with the pitcher of wine? I shall have to go myself and see!"

And so he went downstairs and, in the dim light cast from the oil lamp on the cellar floor, at first, too, thought that there was blood soaking the cellar floor. Then, with growing anger, he realized it was the expensive wine they had bought for the wedding party, going to waste. He approached the three weeping fools huddled together in the darkness, and asked, "Oh, Elsie! Oh my father-in-law, and mother-in-law, why are ye weeping?"

And so Clever Elsie, sniffling and weeping with snot running down her chin, said, "I am weeping because, one day, I may have a baby named Bastianelo. And he may die, and if he does, I shall surely grieve myself to the grave!" And with that, she began weeping even harder, as did her father and mother until there was quite a chorus of weeping fools in that wine-drenched cellar.

The husband, hearing this nonsense, became enraged. "Fools!" he spat. "I'll not stand here and listen to any more of this rubbish, while the expensive wine we bought for our wedding party spills out all over this dirty cellar floor! I'm going out until I find three bigger fools than ye! And if I don't, I swear I shall never return at all!"

And so the husband went out into the world, and he wandered high and he wandered low, and he wandered wide and far. One day, he came across a man at a well, whose body was covered in sweat and whose clothes were dripping with water. He asked the man, "What are you doing that you should be so covered in sweat, and drenched from belly to toe?

And the foolish man said, "Aye, I have been trying to fill this bucket from the old well, but the water keeps dripping out of my sieve, and I am so thirsty!"

And then the husband, seeing that the man was, indeed, using a sieve to try and fill a bucket, exclaimed, "Thou fool! Canst thou not see that thy bucket will never be filled if thou usest to try and do so...a sieve?"

And with that, he said, "Truly, I have found the first fool that is a bigger fool than my fool wife, and her foolish father and mother!"

And he obligingly filled the man's bucket and was on his way.

Well, it was not long before he came to a tall tree, and a woman standing, holding out a pair of breeches, below. Above her, in the branches of the tree, a man looked as if he were preparing to jump.

The husband asked, "Oh, man, why are you standing in the branches of that try, while thy wife holds thy breeches out for thee below?"

And the foolish man said, "Oh sir! I have been trying and trying for a way to get into these breeches, for otherwise, I will have to go about as I am, naked, with only a long nightgown to cover my shame!"

And the husband, seeing immediately that the foolish man thought he must jump into his breeches, instead of putting them on, one leg at a time, as any normal man would do, spat angrily, "Thou fool! Canst thou not see that thee will never get into thy breeches in such a foolish manner? Truly thou art the second greatest fool I have met on my long journeys, who is a greater fool than my fool wife, or those fools, her father and mother!"

And with that, he begged the man to come down out of the tree, and, leaning him up against the tree, he made him put on his breeches, one leg at a time. Then, mounting his horse again, he heaved a gusty sigh and moved on.

Finally, he came to a town. A bride-to-be was passing through the narrow gates of the city on a horse, and the fool husband-to-be, who was guiding her, turned to him, and said, "Oh, sir! I am in such a predicament, for this fine girl, my sweetheart and pleasant bride-to-be, is too tall to pass through the gate while riding the fine horse I have bought her. You see how low the arch is?" The foolish man then became very serious. "Sir, it has forced me to consider two alternatives, though each, in its way, is a horrible decision to have to make. Have you ever heard the old expression, 'between a rock and a hard place'? Well, that's where I am!"

He continued.

"I shall either have to cut the horses' legs off, and push the beast through, or," and at this, he squinched his face up, "I shall have to CUT OFF MY SWEETHEART'S HEAD! then, and only then, shall I be able to get her through that gate!"

And the man drew forth his sword and began testing the sharpness of the blade on his thumb and forefinger, gingerly fingering the razor-sharp edge.

At this, Elsie's husband grew aghast, and then spat angrily, "Thou cursed fool! Thou art surely the most foolish fool of all the fools I've ever come across! Thou dost not have to cut off thy horses' legs, nor, God forbid, thy sweetheart's head! Here--"

And riding over to where the woman sat on the horse, he smacked her duly in the back of the head, so that she bent over in pain. Then, he kicked her horse and sent the beast flying through the city archway. Then, spitting on the ground, he turned his horse about and rode away.

He soon returned to his new wife, who had cried a river of tears since he had gone. he told her, "Come, come, my foolish bride! No more tears! I have ridden high and I have rode low, and I have ridden far, and I have rode wide, and I, indeed, have found three greater fools than thee and thy parents, and so all will now be well."

And the two settled down in their little cottage, and the wife, though she remained a fool, gave birth to a son and called him "Bastianelo," who did not die, but who grew to a strong, strapping manhood, like his father. Although, like his mother, he was always a bit of a fool. Nonetheless, they all lived happily ever after.