Astro-newts Vs. the Aliens

“Don’t move a muscle! Or you’ll regret it!”

SPLAT!

The unexpecting target raised an eyebrow as he picked a limp jellyfish off his shoulder, letting it dangle lamely from a single tentacle. This jellyfish was pathetically sad.

“I think you killed the jellyfish. It’s dead,” he intoned blandly. Just his luck. Today was not his day. Some loons wanted to throw dead sea creatures at him. Joy. He sighed.

“Darn it, Yorsh! You were supposed to take care of our jellyfish laser guns! You swore you did! How is this taken care of?!” one member of the pair growled at the other.

“Oh, sorry, Zarnuk. I remembered to fill it with jellyfish essence, but I guess I forgot to add sea water. Whoops, my bad,” Yorsh remarked, waving his hand halfheartedly as if it would make the issue disappear altogether.

“Seriously, how are people supposed to take us seriously when you pull stunts like this!?” Zarnuk grumbled. “We’re never going to get anywhere and make a name for ourselves at this rate!”

He felt sorry for this duo. They were pitiful… It was tragic really. It was hard to watch, but watch he did as the duo had cut off his means of exiting this disastrous farce.

“I could… um… scream if that would help?” he proposed, trying to salvage the situation at least a little bit for them; they were seriously terrible at being robbers. It was the saddest attempt he’d ever seen.

“No, no, no, that won’t do! It wouldn’t be real! You’re just forcing it now,” griped Zarnuk. “If it isn’t authentic, there’s no point. Ugh! We’ll just have to try again with someone else. Come on, Yorsh. Let’s hope you don’t muck it up next time.”

Yorsh shrugged his shoulders and complied, following Zarnuk to their next attempt. Yorsh wasn’t particularly concerned. Whatever was meant would happen; there was no reason to stress and get bent out of shape over mishaps. They were bound to happen every now and then. Nobody was perfect. As the saying went, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Nothing could be done about forgetting the sea water this time, but he’d strive to remember next time. There were only so many ways he could possibly goof things up.

He couldn’t believe this duo. They were seriously leaving and planning to attempt this with someone else? Oh, brother. They were going to need all the help they could get. He’d never seen such a miserable struggle guised as a “robbery.” They should just stop before they hurt anyone—because it’d likely end up being themselves. They must live such sad, sad, little lives. Should he call the cops? Technically, they hadn’t broken any laws… He smelled a bit like dead fish now, but otherwise, they did no harm.

He rubbed his head, at an impasse. “Good luck, I guess…” he voiced to himself as the duo had now taken off. Good luck to anyone that crossed their paths… Really, how much more pathetic could they get? And with that thought, the innocent pedestrian that got caught in the duo’s mischief carried on his way, hoping the rest of his day was calm, smooth, and tragedy-free.

___________________________________________________

“Look, Zarnuk! That looks promising!” Yorsh exclaimed in glee, eyeing the planet on the galactic map before them. “Let’s try there! Let’s try there!”

“Down, boy,” Zarnuk grouched, still sour about their most recent failure. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. Let’s make sure we’re actually READY this time. Last time was a complete disgrace, or did you forget?”

“No, no, I haven’t forgotten,” Yorsh assured, spinning around on his chair in the spaceship as if he didn’t have a care in the world. This chair was the best. THE. BEST. Focusing a bit from his current chair distraction, Yorsh swore, “Look, I made sure the laser guns have jellyfish essence AND sea water this time. We’re good to go!”

Zarnuk eyed his partner warily. If they hadn’t been childhood friends since babyhood, he probably would have sought out a different partner by now. His sentimental heart wouldn’t let him drop Yorsh like a rock, though. No matter how disappointing his stunts were and how ridiculous it made them look. Zarnuk was rather displeased with it all, but it wasn’t like Yorsh had a shot at any other career. He sighed and prayed that they’d catch a break and strike big this time. All these duds were putting serious drains on their dwindling funds.

“Oh yeah! We totally should stop by and pick Junior up!” Yorsh spontaneously declared.

“Who?”

“Oh, come on! Junior! He’s my relative,” Yorsh provided before getting lost in thought. “Like the third cousin twice removed to my aunt’s nephew. Or something like that… It’s complicated, but still, he’s my blood! I know I’ve told you about him before; he’s the best!”

Zarnuk shot Yorsh an exasperated look. “How is this distant relative relevant to our current task? We don’t need any more people mucking things up,” he grumbled.

“Seriously, Zarnuk?” Yorsh whined. “Just ‘cause he’s a kid doesn’t mean he’ll ‘muck things up,’ you know. He’ll make things go so much smoother—I just know it!” he promised with an excited light creeping into his eyes.

With a huff, Zarnuk relented, “Fine, we’ll go see this Junior character, but that doesn’t mean he can come. I’ll reserve the right to judge whether this kid’s fit for the cause.”

“Great!” Yorsh beamed. “You won’t regret it! He has excellent connections!”

With a sigh, he changed coordinates to go meet Junior. Checking that their gear was set and ready, Zarnuk nodded to himself. This time, this time for sure. No more mistakes. No more screwups. Only success. He focused on making his intentions reality. They needed this heist to prosper. Maybe this “Junior” would actually be useful. Maybe his help would actually prove to be a boon. They were already living out of the ship rather than in a home. There’s only so much an individual could take.

Zarnuk landed the ship on the rather deserted planet. Maybe it was more of an asteroid. It was pretty barren to actually be a planet. One could hardly call it a home. He raised a skeptical brow in Yorsh’s direction. Was he really certain Junior could be found here? He would be surprised if they found any life on this desolate wasteland hurtling through space. Large craters, caverns, and chasms stretched as far as the eye could see. Dusty, dirty brown painted the landscape. It wasn’t an impressive sight. More depressing than anything else.

Yorsh grinned widely, eager to see Junior again. He practically skipped up to a boulder in his excitement. It was enormous, looming overhead like a massive monolith and obscuring the light from the two suns. Most people didn’t think much of the galactic dust ball circumnavigating space, but they didn’t know its secrets. There was more than what meets the eye, even the large, bulbous yellow eyes with impressive sight like his and Zarnuk’s. Oh, its depths held fortunes, alright. A lot of it happened to be in the form of information, but Junior was impressively resourceful.

Suddenly Yorsh slipped out of sight, leaving Zarnuk alarmed. Just his luck that Yorsh would fall into some hole on this inhospitable heap of space rock. Zarnuk implored whatever divine entity that watched over this quadrant took pity on him and prevented Yorsh from harming himself with his carelessness. He repressed a groan, searching for his reckless companion.

“Yorsh, you negligent ninny, you better not have hurt yourself! You have to be more mindful of your surroundings!” Zarnuk berated as he rounded the bend.

Yorsh popped up from a ragged crevice. “Wait, hurt myself? Why would I do that? This is the entrance,” he answered, tilting his head to the side in confusion.

“The entrance? What are you talking about!? That looks like all the other cracks, trenches, and pits on this forsaken dirt ball,” Zarnuk grumbled.

Yorsh shook his head with a chuckle. Zarnuk usually exemplified such quick wit and vast comprehension, but he was being rather dull about this. “It’s the entrance to Junior’s secret dwelling, you goof. Remember? We were going to see him. What other entrance would I use?” he laughed merrily at the humorous situation. This was a rare instance where Yorsh was the informed party, leading the way; it was nice for once.

Zarnuk eyed the fractured surface and subsequent “entrance” warily. Yorsh better know what he’s talking about. With a heavy sigh he followed after his friend cautiously. Considering the nature of the cavern, it was actually well lit, which surprised Zarnuk. I guess Yorsh was right about this being an entrance—at least an entrance to something. The path was way too clear of debris to be natural, the path and subsequent walls too smooth. A kid did all this? Zarnuk was in utter disbelief.

Yorsh began knocking what appeared to be random places on the wall, confusing Zarnuk thoroughly. There seemed to be no method to the madness, purposeless and thoughtless. Zarnuk crossed his arms, unimpressed. If this was Yorsh’s idea of a prank, it was elaborate and a massive waste of time. He better know better than to pull such a pointless ploy.

Zarnuk was about to call Yorsh out when the ground began to tremble. A secret door opened, leaving Zarnuk flabbergasted. “You mean there was actually a point to all your sporadic floundering? It wasn’t all no rhyme or reason?!”

“Huh? Well, yeah, that was the passcode to unlock the door. Why else would I do all that?” Yorsh inquired.

Zarnuk was about to debate the issue but shook his head instead, opting to save his breath. Yorsh rarely made sense, and this whole planet made even less so. It was hurting his brain to think about, so he’d be better off just ceasing altogether. This must be some topsy-turvy, contrary realm. Zarnuk was beside himself, massaging his aching temples.

Yorsh shrugged, unsure what Zarnuk’s deal was, but continued on unfazed. He led Zarnuk to Junior’s subterranean residence. Boy, was Zarnuk going to be impressed! Junior’s treasure-trove always mesmerized Yorsh each time he visited, despite it being less often than he would have liked. Maybe Zarnuk would be impressed enough to invite Junior along on more of their escapades! Junior’s hidden abode could even be their secret base! Giddy excitement filled Yorsh as he guided Zarnuk to his relative.

“Greetings, cousin,” a voice called out from the spacious chamber. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Zarnuk blinked, taking in the scenic space before them. Countless books and scrolls lined the walls. Countless trinkets, equipment, and treasures were displayed with the utmost care, seeming to sparkle with the level of consideration given to them. Who exactly was this kid? He seemed incredibly formal, nothing like Yorsh. Although… he did say Junior was a distant relative… Could that explain it all? This kid seemed an undoubtable treasure trove of resources and information. How’d he manage to gather it all? Zarnuk was stunned speechless.

“Junior! My bro! Long time, no see! I’ve missed you dearly!” Yorsh enthusiastically exclaimed, unable to contain himself. He tried to envelope Junior in a massive hug, but Junior expertly evaded Yorsh.

“We’re cousins… sort of, so I’m not your bro,” Junior corrected, unfazed by Yorsh’s enthusiasm as if he were adeptly accustomed to his antics. “You still haven’t answered my question.”

“What? You mean I can’t visit my beloved cousin? I missed your face, kid!” Yorsh insisted, which earned him a raised brow from Junior.

“While I don’t doubt the authenticity of that claim,” Junior began, pinning him with a knowing look before continuing, “you didn’t come here merely to ‘see my face.’”

Yorsh became sheepish. Junior was so perceptive; it could be unnerving sometimes. “Well, that’s true. I truly missed you, but we were hoping you could help us out,” he admitted.

“Hmm…. I have no qualms with assisting you. You can be a bit… much at times, but you’re not a deplorable relative. Others are much worse. You’re at least honest and sincere,” Junior remarked. Taking note of Zarnuk, he questioned, “Who is your cohort? I’d like to know whom I’ll be working alongside.”

“Oh, this?” Yorsh slung an arm around Zarnuk, who was still shellshocked by the whole experience, and grinned before replying, “This is Zarnuk! My best bud that I always tell you about!”

Junior absorbed the new information, nodding his head in consent. “Very well. You have my assistance.”

Finally rousing from his stupor, Zarnuk asked, “Wait, that’s it? You’re just going to help us? No other questions asked?? You don’t even know what we want to do yet!”

Junior merely shrugged his shoulders. “It’s irrelevant. Nothing should be too much of a challenge for me. Yorsh wants my help and came all the way to request it. You are his longtime comrade. That alone is enough,” Junior stated matter-of-factly, unbothered. “I’m certain you will enlighten me as to your goals and ambitions. As soon as I have that information, it should be no problem at all formulating the best plan of action.”

“You truly are the best, Junior!” Yorsh praised with a giant grin. “I can always count on you!”

Zarnuk blinked, trying to keep up with the two relatives. They were so strange. He wasn’t going to complain, especially if Junior was as foolproof as he seemed. “Well, we’re wanting to complete a heist. The last few attempts proved… unfruitful. This time, though,” he explained, “we want to go big and refuse to go broke.”

Nodding, Yorsh added, “Yeah! You know the renowned planet for its vast financial resources? We’re heading to Bank Planet. The proprietor thinks he’s hot stuff, but it’s only a matter of time before it’s ours! It’s ripe for the taking!”

Junior nodded, contemplating their aspirations. It was feasible. “It shouldn’t be too difficult. We should stop by the planet Marinity first and pick up some of my associates.”

“Marinity? Why should we go to that ocean planet? What use is that?” Zarnuk questioned, starting to doubt Junior’s intelligence and ingenuity.

“Simply because it’d be vital transportation,” Junior began plainly.

“Huh? What do you mean, Junior? We have transportation,” Yorsh interrupted.

Unfazed, Junior continued as if he anticipated the query and doubt. “Yes, I’m sure it’s the typical spacecraft. However,” Junior pointed out, “it’s expected. You don’t do the expected. Go for unconventional. The element of surprise. The owner of Bank Planet has strong relations with Marinty and would suspect nothing of a visit from them. Plus, it misdirects any culpability from you. Marinity would take the fall and the blame. As I said, it is vital.”

Zarnuk was stunned. This kid was good. He’d thought that far ahead so quickly. This didn’t feel like such a pipe dream any longer. They could pull this off. With Junior’s help it’d be a cinch.

“Man, Junior, you’re so smart!” Yorsh remarked in awe. Granted, he knew his relative was impressively intelligent, but there was quite a difference in knowing and experiencing it firsthand.

“I know,” Junior plainly stated, devoid of all ego. “You’d be lost without me. I dread to imagine what scheme you’d concoct on your own. You’d miss crucial components, thus leaving your plan to deteriorate and fail mid-execution.”

They hated to admit it, but past experience provided great credence to his statement. Junior instructed them on the best plan of action, down to the smallest details. They prepped for their heist, gathering supplies and preparing to leave for Marinity.

Acquiring the assistance of Marinites proved quite easy. It turned out Andy and Meg, two blue space whales, were in Junior’s debt and leapt at the opportunity to assist the child prodigy. Leaving their spacecraft hidden inconspicuously, the group set off for Bank Planet. He’d never know what hit him.

Honestly, he was probably asking for it. Bank Planet was overflowing with money. Ridiculously so. It was brimming with money, practically exploding with money. Thus, it might as well of been a massive target. It was surprising it hadn’t been hit previously. Or maybe it had, and the vast financial resources of the planet were used to bury the information. Either way, today was the day. History would be made.

The trip was smooth sailing thanks to Andy and Meg; Junior definitely had superb connections. This made things infinitely easier. Security didn’t even bat an eyelash at their sudden appearance. Was it normal for the Marinites to make sudden appearances on the planet with no notice whatsoever? Yet no one seemed concerned at all. Zarnuk decided to count it as a blessing and not question it. For some reason the presence of the Marinites put security at ease; they were deemed nonthreats, and security just up and vanished. Strange. Oh well. Time to move onto the next phase.

The group approached the massive vaults with no hassle at all. They prepared to gather their spoils when they heard a sudden voice.

“What’s this? I don’t recognize the likes of you. What are you doing here?” the voice insisted.

The group was unperturbed and continued about their business. Junior didn’t seem concerned, and Zarnuk figured if the child prodigy had everything else figured out, there was no reason to become alarmed at the sudden onlooker.

Said onlooker did not care to be ignored. “Don’t you people know who I am?!” he demanded. Purple scales lined his body with pink spikes lining his spine. He donned a fancy, silk, top hat. His large eyes bulged at the indignation of it all—honestly, his eyes looked rather absurd, almost like those googly eyes. When no answer was forthcoming, he provided, “Why, I’m the one and only Alligator Ned, of course!”

Yes, Alligator Ned was so full of himself that he had the gall to buy an entire planet for his riches. He didn't even live there--no one did. It merely existed to house his immense stockpiles of money. The group knew fully well who he was, but they just didn’t take him seriously, viewing him as ridiculous. He wasn’t a threat. “The One and Only Alligator Ned” was known for throwing money at his problems—he never did anything for himself, so there was no reason to be alarmed. He probably wouldn’t know what to do to resolve an issue if throwing money at it failed. Granted, their objective was said money, so it wouldn’t matter either way, whether he gave it willingly or they simply up and took it.

Peeved at their continued dismissal and not used to being disregarded, Alligator Ned huffed dramatically. “I’ll have you all detained! There’s no need to be so rude!”

The group continued on their way, stuffing the newly acquired money into sacks. At this point, they’d happily have him throw money at them; it would speed things along.

Alligator Ned finally recognized that they were here to acquire his wealth, and he became aghast. Dismay colored his voice as he wailed, “Oh, my money! Somebody save my money!”

He was in such a state of shocked distress that it caused his top hat to fly straight off his head, much like in Saturday morning cartoons. Alligator Ned continued his mournful howls. You’d think someone was killing him slowly through immense torture or murdering off loved ones before his very eyes, the group surmised to themselves.

The trio grew weary of his earsplitting, obnoxious shrieking. Enough was enough. They used Andy and Meg to drift just outside of Bank Planet. If he wanted to bemoan his money as if it was his own life, they’d give him something to truly whine about. They rigged a detonator to the planet. Giant sticks of dynamite crammed into the planet, they prepared themselves for the big moment. As the saying goes, go big or go home. They weren’t going home empty handed, so go big it was.

Junior handed the button to Yorsh. Giddy with glee, Yorsh broke out into a smile and detonated the explosives. The immense riches of Bank Planet were no longer contained and confined by Alligator Ned. Money rained down from the heavens.

Dancing in the currency downpour, Yorsh exclaimed, “Yeah, buddy! That’s how you do it! Big score for us!”

The group celebrated their victory with deep enthusiasm. Junior didn’t care much for the money, as he already had vast resources and prized information over material wealth, but he was glad he could help Yorsh in his time of need. Zarnuk was grateful things had finally gone right for a change without any mishaps or screwups. Yorsh—well, Yorsh was merely happy to be with his best friend and beloved cousin. Yorsh had always been easygoing and easy to please; he could be happy with just about anything. The money certainly didn’t hurt, though.

From the safety of his escape pod, Alligator Ned wept soulfully for the loss of his treasured money. Stifling his sobs, he made a call. He prayed his distress summons would swiftly be answered. With prompt action hopefully his vast wealth could be saved.

Cruising nearby in their spacecraft, a trio of astronauts hummed merrily to themselves as they enjoyed their voyage through space. It had been a peaceful day, and they hoped it remained that way. The tranquility was soul-soothing, and it would be rather disappointing if it were disturbed. The two astro-newts, Cosmo and Celeste, monitored the variety of displays and incoming data while Hoshi the turtle steered the ship.

Their main monitor began flashing red, alerting them to the request for assistance. The SOS beacon came from nearby. Bank Planet if they remembered correctly. They thought it was a bit strange since Alligator Ned seemed to take no chances with his vast wealth but decided to investigate further. A call for a help was a call for help; they would not discriminate.

They arrived on the scene to find Bank Planet no more. They noticed a group of pinky-purple aliens—their skin almost resembled a swirly tie dye effect, making it quite beautiful if the trio of astonauts were being honest—amidst the vast piles of Ned’s fortune. One of them seemed to be frolicking in the money. It was certainly quite an unusual sight.

Zarnuk’s two antenna twinged a top his head, alerting him to the potential risk in the area. Their heist was now in potential peril. He turned to alert the others, urging them to grab hold of the jellyfish lasers; no matter what the situation, those lasers were his go-to.

The newcomers were too clever, however, swiftly swiping the lasers and turning the tables. The heroic trio were on a mission to save the day, and they refused to falter (even if it was for someone as greedy as Alligator Ned—he was rather ridiculous). With their rapid and adept action of disarming the thieves the odds were in their favor. They were not heartless, though, and gave the burglars the option to peacefully surrender. Maybe they were having a rough day and down on their luck; the heroic astronauts were willing to lend aid to all and a helping hand to anyone wishing to mend their ways.

Zarnuk, Yorsh, and Junior refused to give up; failure was not an option. Junior was too proud to consider defeat. Zarnuk rejected surrender when they finally had a taste of success. Yorsh just wanted to please Zarnuk and Junior and didn’t want the fun to end. Andy and Meg were merely along for the ride (life on Marinity had grown rather dull, and they appreciated the liveliness and excitement of the heist—it was highly entertaining even if it ultimately ended in failure).

Disheartened by the thieves’ stubbornness, Cosmo, Celeste, and Hoshi realized that they would need to be subdued. High-pitched pew-pew-pews resounded across the galactic landscape, knocking the thieves out. The team of astronauts tied the misguided trio up so they would do no more harm. Having collected all the money to send back to Alligator Ned, the heroic team performed a victory dance with Cosmo and Celeste concluding with an epic high five and Hoshi merrily spinning around off to the side. Another success for the team and a job well done!

____________________________________________________

“So, what do you think?” Serena inquired, yearning for Karissa’s honest feedback with eyes full of hope. “Is it good enough to submit to be published in Voices?”

Karissa considered Serena’s short story. Submissions for Voices, their middle school’s book, needed to be original pieces of creative writing. It was definitely creative and an original from Serena’s strange mind.

“It meets the requirements and should pass fine,” Karissa remarked. “It was definitely inspired from the depths of your unique imagination. You certainly put a lot of effort into the piece.”

“So… you like it?” Serena asked. She knew everyone had different preferences, but it would mean the world to her if her bestie enjoyed her story, too. She crossed her fingers and held her breath awaiting Karissa’s answer.

Karissa rolled her eyes and poked Serena in the forehead. “There’s no need to deprive yourself of oxygen, you goof,” she chided. “I’m sure lots of people will like your wacky story. It’s definitely an unconventional approach, focusing so much on the antagonists like you did. You feel kind of bad for them, and you don’t know much about the protagonists—ultimately, they’re surrounded in a veil of mystery. It certainly isn’t a dull story. Now start breathing before you pass out. Honestly,” Karissa huffed, shaking her head in exasperation.

Serena beamed. If it got Karissa’s seal of approval, it had to be good! Karissa was no liar and never said anything she didn’t mean. She breathed a sigh of relief and enveloped Karissa in a hug-tackle, giggling. Serena adored her friend and hoped that Karissa might collaborate with her one day for joint story writing. As much fun as she had on her own, she knew without a doubt it’d be all the more enjoyable working alongside her bestie.