As old as I feel, or younger

AS OLD AS I FEEL, OR YOUNGER

Vera:

She seemed pretty to me in both body and spirit. I was drawn to her, which is why we exchanged numbers. She was not perfect, a fact, that once I got to know her, I learned was unacceptable to her. She loved to recount how when she was younger she used to acknowledge this. Singing, about her inner frustration, in her room. She had mellowed by the time I met her, but she still felt trapped by her fear of being a failure. She still knows all the words to that song. In fact I also know the words of that Cher song, I heard her sing it so often.

I was taught to be tough. That the best that you can be ain't enough
Crack the whip, sacrifice. But I found out paradise had a price
I didn't know it then, but oh I know it now
You gotta work as hard at love. To make the love work out
You know this heart of mine
Has made some big mistakes
I guess that when it come to love
I just don't know what it takes

All my life I've been driven by perfection
Pushed it to the limit every day and night
Whoa, I've been driven by perfection
But nothin's perfect when love ain't right
Nothin's perfect when love ain't right.

(Cher)

She has often wondered how this thrust for perfection had made her dreams impossible to achieve. But despite the fact that later in life she’d been told that failure breeds success, her upbringing still molded her.

Looking at her you immediately notice the stoop of her shoulders. Which in her eyes was a flaw she was trying to fix. Every day she found some form of exercise to do. Focusing on the Core of course. Trying to erase the package of age. A gift she treasured but like a dress wanted to alter.

Her hair, one of her most important accessories, every month would be a different shade of brown; another battle against nature to try to hide life’s gift of salt and pepper gray hair.

Age 58 her mind sought the adventures of youth, but her body was not accommodating her mind.

She had sexual adventures with Dan. A man she felt she loved but hardly even knew. She occasionally found herself hiding the pain, while making love in an awkward position. She was finally learning to relax and not worry about being the perfect lover. Which of course just made the experience better, and raised the importance of it. In her mind.

They had one thing in common, they were

good in bed.

(Eagles)

At least they both believed that about the other. At least she thought they both felt this way. Her confidence was growing although she was unsure of the wisdom of it.

How do I know all this stuff about her? Well I am a Shrink. I ask questions along avenues that her friends don’t venture down. I am the person who knows all but is legally unable to share. But I am not paid to be her shrink, I am just a friend caught up in my old familiar pattern of being overly nosey. I ask, inquire, and emotionally support. It is my pattern.

Antoinette:

I am surprised I mentioned Dan to her. I must have been feeling a moment of extreme trust in her and a burst of confidence in Dan. He is my Achilles heal. He is my big secret, and my only mind-altering drug: my pride and my shame. Well it was nice to hear a few words from Vera, a nice diversion. She appears to be a very good listener, but she is not the key to my story.

When I say story – it usually implies plot. When I say plot people envision conflict resolution. Well I see no resolution to the most obvious conflict. I both grow old and look old or I die; at least in my perception of reality, although I fight against aging I still have dreams and plenty to live for. My life can still be an adventure. I have control over my reality, or so I think

Every time when I look in the mirror

All these lines on my face getting clearer

The past is gone

It went by, like dusk to dawn

Isn't that the way

Everybody's got the dues in life to pay

I know nobody knows

Where it comes and where it goes

I know it's everybody sin

You got to lose to know how to win

Dream on

Dream on

Dream on

Aero Smith

But in my mind the past, yes the past is not gone. It still haunts my present and stunts my dreams. But I fight onward. My present is one big opportunity. And the dreams of my past are still the dreams of my future with a few alterations

"You know I've always been a dreamer. Spent my life runnin' 'round

And it's so hard to change


Can't seem to settle down


 But the dreams I've seen lately keep on turning out


 And burning out and turning out the same"

(the eagles).

Dreams, diving into tomorrow. I find often are molded by the reality of my needing money and other practical needs. My main dream is to have someone to retire with. I find yes, I find my dreams burning out draining, accepting that maybe I won’t find someone to be my best friend and love me.

Confusion, as I ignore my dreams and focus on learning skills to earn more money. Six more days and the class will start. And if ,yes , if I am able to handle this cooking class. And if I pass, if I do not let l the fear of failure make it impossible to hand in my resume and apply for a job. I might return to work.

Although I realize that the election of Trump has made it more difficult.

More confusion when I contemplate Dan. We have known each other for years. When I see him I smile. I open my heart to him. Monday, about four months ago I had one of my great surprises. It was one of the rare occasions with him when I actually said what I felt. I told him that I wanted to see him more. We discussed his fear of marriage. I discussed my dream of growing old with somebody. “Most people when they retire don’t have enough money to travel and hangout, he timidly responded. Instead of pushing my point, I sort of understood his. Financially I understood his point, but from the emotional standpoint, I bond with mine. He looked so handsome, my focus shifted off of the practicalities. Emotionally, I wanted to feel his body on mine. Since no means no, I casually inquired if I could lie on him. He said yes. Then my insecurities guided the next question. “ Have you been with anyone since your last time with me. He laughed out of embarrassment that he hadn’t been with anybody else. But he must have been insecure as well because he threw back the question. I told him that he was the last person I had been with. I saw the smile that crept over his face. Both of us relaxed, into our massage. My doubts faded for the night. But I still wish the sex occurred more often, and that we could trade thoughts and opinions more often.

Looking back over our encounter as I read my poems, I see I think a lot about leaving him. I barely notice how in my mind the relationship had grown from a sexual adventure to more. I often feel hurt, but usually a few days after his visit I’d feel peace and relaxation. Reading through my old experiences with him it's always hard to completely wipe away the doubt. How many times had I contemplated telling him good by? It had seemed like the inevitable destination. I had told him twice goodbye. But months later the goodbye was forgotten, but the same points of tension remained.

The Past – Will it become the present

Drums Drums

My anger pounds

I take the final step

Pushing you out of my haven

Although my heart is clinging

To you

But no more, no more

Are you one click away

NO more when depression hits me

Will I stretch out my heart to you

Inside I shake knowing that

To loose the dependence is the goal

Tears – as I reach towards

The breathe of life

Instead of a guy

Goodbye Dan Goodbye

Today I did not see Dan at all but a conversation with a friend tossed my conflict into my focus, as she described her life with her husband. He lived with her and rarely talked to her. They have even less contact then if they were traditional roommates. She so calmly ate her ice-cream as she described his lack of interest in her. She appeared totally accepting. My exterior body did not respond with the anger I was feeling. Her calmness transformed my emotions. My voice remained soft and smooth but I was angry that someone would treat her that way. My heart raced as I expressed my opinion that she should tell him to move on, and spend her time with someone who would be engaged and energized by her. She is retired. I shared my dreams for retirement; I even shared with her Dan’s drab vision of retirement. I kept to myself the horror I felt about her current situation. Spending the last years of her life living in a hellish environment. She did not share her feelings but just stated the facts of the situation. Like a scientist analyzing the data. I did not state that she was wrong for accepting this situation. I ended by saying it is hard to know what to do, because I honestly feel there are always tradeoffs.

Like Linda I have not found anybody who would give his world for one with me. The more we stay with our current partner the more impossible it is to find someone who in the good times and the bad will be standing beside us our whole life on. I invited Dan over this weekend, more for my own support.

But the reality of the situation is that it is time for me to bite the bullet and hope to stumble over someone else. The problem is sexual attraction does not accompany a nice, good quality man.

I have established a good relationship with a man about my age. We can discuss almost anything but when he went to hug me I cringed. There is no way I could bring the relationship further. Life, life doesn’t always bring me what I need. Today my mind floats to Christmas. I will go to church, but basically I will be alone. I went out to dinner with a friend and her husband on my birthday 12/12. On the twenty-third I ate dinner with Family. Extended family And today Christmas eve, I sit here listening to Teddy. Romantic songs with nobody to romance. Well one is a pickup song. If I wanted a one-night stand, I guess I could find that. But I remind myself that neither Dan nor any of my friends guide my story. Only I am responsible for my fate and my trip through life. Time to leave my past behind and have my life begin. This is my story now moving away from Dependence. No more settling for other people’s dreams for me. Time for a life. where i achieve my dreams. If only I knew what they were. Tonight all I want is a hug, and a clean house, but I feel like crying in my confusion. I want someone to tell me to cry on their shoulder. To stand by me whatever my internal disaster.

Cry on my shoulder I’ll help you rise above. Cry on my shoulder my love

Bonnie Riatt

AT age 60 who is dependent. Who does not guide their own life? Who finds themselves shrieking internally as everybody else tries to take control But tonight my gut is calm

Beatles

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Im, goanna try with a little help from my friends.