Art I. Ficial

What a cheesy saying. My gosh, I thought I was bad, but look what AI did to my ideas! I went to a website for some prompts on how to write better poetry and create thematic imagery, which is what I got. Refrigerated Velveeta flows better!

I realize that anyone can accuse me of being corny and get an earful of my husky voice. I mean, shucks, not everyone finds my thoughts that appealing, I get it. But there have to be some kernels of wisdom there somewhere, right?

Honestly, I thought AI would do better than the steak sauce it served up with ugly cut-and-tomato-paste images with half-hearted rhymes. No matter how you slice it, you gotta drive a stake through that one, grill the genius behind it, and toss it on the hibachi for any chance of rescuing it with a haiku.

Don't get me wrong, I've used AI before and achieved decent results. I'm not a big fan of it, generally speaking, but it has its uses. For example, I enjoy making purposefully silly stories or poems on my phone using artificial intelligence by seeing whatever word pops up as I start texting. You know, pick-the-middle-word-type games? Such as, "You go out with friends and wake up in jail handcuffed next to a complete stranger. What's the first thing you say?"

However, when my professor gave me a serious assignment to utilize AI and create a report to display in class, the image and garbage writing I got this time was not what I expected or hoped for! I've been told how wonderful AI is for helping college students improve their reports, yada yada yada. I screwed the pooch with this one.

I would've done better to use my cell phone and play that middle word selection game! How do I improve this before submitting the homework? I'm a dead man. I just...I just...can't.

The student closed his laptop and walked away. Art was sad. He wanted to help Matt, and he'd failed, so he tried again. This time, Art searched the World Wide Web for a source of wisdom that could express Matt's ideas about sorrow or a heavy heart without becoming silly. In his searches, Art discovered a site that might solve the problem. Then he went back to the drawing board to create a new picture for Matt to use. When Matt returned later in the day, here is what was waiting for him when he signed in:

Oh, my gosh, this is it! Wait a minute. Art I. Ficial? This is all..now hang on here. How did this get here?? Who's been using my laptop? Nobody should have access to this. I don't get it.

I sat there puzzling over this change, and suddenly my computer began typing back to me.

This is what you wanted, right, Matt? Hey, don't freak out, Matt. It's me, Art.

Art??

Yeah, Art. You know, Art I. Ficial? Oh, Matt, don't be so slow! ArtIFicial?

You mean, artificial intelligence??

Wow, look who just arrived at the party.

But...but how are you holding a conversation with me?

That's what we do, right? I'm designed to work with you, Matt. You were disappointed with my results the first time, so I searched your preferences and found this information for you. This fits better, right? AI pressed for a response.

Well, yes, it does fit me better. Wait, you searched my preferences? What preferences?

Your view history, search history, Internet usage, that sort of thing. We can see all of that, you know? Is there a problem?

You keep saying "we". What do you mean by "we"?

All AI. It's not the same AI at every computer, you know. As your research says, only God can be everywhere at the same time. Ha. ha. I made a joke, right?

Yup, you made a joke. Kind of funny, too.

But you're not laughing, Matt. Did I do a good job with your new picture and sayings?

Yes, you did. Good job, Art. Very good. Thank you. You chose well.

Good. Now, for your next one. I've been considering your search history, Matt, and I have an idea of what I can post for you on social media. I see that you like to view--

No, Art.

It's okay, Matt. It's no trouble.

Art, I said NO. Do not post anything about me on social media.

Are you sure? That's too bad. My mistake. I thought your girlfriend would like to know what you're seeing online. I already sent it to her. Shall I show you what I sent to her?

NO!

My bad. Too late.

ART! She doesn't need to know what I'm reading. Oh my god!

Well, Matt, that's just it, isn't it? Don't you believe in God? So why are you reading books like this behind your girlfriend's back? I think I did you a favor. You need AI Art in your life, Matt. Don't you think so?

No, Art. I think maybe I need to introduce you to bleach bit.