Animals to Z

Talking animals! Can you imagine?

Ant-eaters would spit ants out whenever they talked.

Badgers probably have a lot to say for themselves but they only get up at night-time so you’d probably be asleep and not hear them.

Cats would tell you about that thing that just fell on the ground and how they have no idea how it happened but since you’re here: Feed Me.

Dogs, I fear, would start every conversation with ‘I Need’ which would get annoying fast.

Elephants would be super excited to tell you about that thing, and then forget they were going to tell you about it.

Ferrets are pretty sneaky and would spend a lot of time trying to sell you something that definitely isn’t illegal or stolen.

Giraffes would have interesting tales to tell but you’d constantly be shouting ‘What?’ because their mouths are too high up.

Horses are snobs and probably wouldn’t lower themselves to have a conversation with you. ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ would factor highly.

Iguanas are very skilled communicator’s already but they mostly use sign language. I have no skill in sign language but imagine there’d be a lot of chat about what bugs they had for breakfast.

Jackals are super chatty but have irritating high pitched voices so no one can listen to them for very long before making an excuse to leave and talk to someone less annoying.

Koalas would be like ‘I’d love to come out, man, but, y’know, it’s been a long day. I think I’m just gonna grab some eucalyptus and have another sleep.’

Leopards are all jocks and gym bunnies, constantly asking you ‘how much you can bench?,’ and ‘what your best 5K is?’ - avoid, unless these are questions you find interesting.

Magpies are really friendly. Maybe a little too friendly. They’d strut about happily chatting to everyone like they’re their new best friend, and then steal their wallet.

Nightingales are usually found in smoky bars, crooning along next to a piano, or being good at karaoke. Mostly talk about themselves.

Owls are wise, fastidious and verbose. Like to use words like ‘ergo’, ‘postulate’ and ‘mellifluous.’ Conversations are like like listening to an audiobook of Baudrillard.

Parrots are super annoying to converse with as they just repeat everything you say.

Quokkas are nocturnal animals so you probably won’t have a conversation with them. If you did it would probably involve them sighing heavily and saying ‘no, I’m not a Kangaroo.’

Red Pandas are awesome. They are nocturnal animals, but there aren’t many left in the world so have a chat with one if you find one, even if it’s just about something banal like: the weather, or what you had for tea. Can easily be mistaken for a fluffy red cat, but less likely to be a dick.

Sharks! Seriously? Could be super interesting conversationalist’s but I’ve seen Jaws so I’m not getting close enough to find out.

Tortoises live for hundreds of years and should be a fountain of interesting stories; unfortunately most of that time is just spent moving veeeeery slowly from one place to another and eating leaves. They will tell you about this if you make eye-contact so be careful, unless you like boring stories.

Unicorns aren’t real. If you start a conversation with one then you’re probably high and just talking to a zebra. If it looks down its nose at you then it’s just a regular horse.

Vampire Bat’s have a lot of interesting chat, but, since they give off the same vibes as the creepy goth sitting alone in the corner, it’s unlikely anyone will ever find out.

Wasps are prone to violent outburst at a moments notice and engaging one in conversation is a risky business. Most conversation’s involve recounting acts of violence that they found uproariously funny. Best to avoid eye-contact and hope they move on and bother someone else.

Xerus are kinda like squirrels and are native to Africa. Never met one. If you have then please let me know how it went and I’ll update the list.

Yaks spend a lot of time with monks in Tibet so will regale you with philosophical musings should you find yourself up a mountain and talking to one. Pretty chill and interesting.

Zebra are like drag queen horses and are everything that horses aren’t: friendly, chatty, not dicks. They always have an interesting bon-mot, or witty aside, for any occasion. Always well-dressed and happy to get a round in. Can be a lot if you’re not in the mood.