An Inner Monologue of a Divorced Woman

I am a woman in my forties who just walked out of a marriage this past March. On the surface, my family seemed fine. Both my spouse and I had successful careers, held high positions in our workplaces, and enjoyed a comfortable income. After more than two decades of hard work and dedication, I had just started to feel a sense of relief when, suddenly, he brought up the idea of divorce.

Unbeknownst to me, there was a "third party" involved between us!

On the eve of the divorce, I almost took my own life.

That was a day of unbearable pain and despair that I will never forget in this lifetime.

On the evening of July 12th last year, my husband, who often used the excuse of work and social events to stay out late and rarely came home, suddenly returned home earlier than usual. He spoke bluntly, saying, "Let's get a divorce! I don't want to live like this anymore. I feel like I've been living for others all my life, and now I want to live the second half of my life for myself." At that moment, my heart sank to the depths of despair, and I knew that our marriage was over...

He pointed out many of my flaws and shortcomings in our marriage and said he couldn't spend the rest of his life with me. Faced with this sudden change in our relationship, I truly understood the feeling of "there is no greater sorrow than a heart that is no longer alive." I also knew what it meant to have a "heart as lifeless as ashes."

That evening, he left with a determination to divorce. The room felt empty, and I was left in a state of blankness. In the adjacent room, my son, unaware of the situation, was fast asleep. Strangely, that night it was raining heavily. I had no tears, no thoughts, no feelings.

That night, I contemplated suicide. There was a serrated knife in the kitchen, very sharp, and I thought that if I cut my wrist, it would be a quick end to the problem... The image of that knife kept floating in my mind, and I wandered into the kitchen several times, staring at the knife in a daze.

In the dim light, I began to write a farewell letter to my son. I picked up a pen and paper, and as I wrote the first two words, "My son..." my vision blurred, "Mom is sorry for..." I couldn't continue writing; tears had soaked the letter...

Gradually, I began to change my train of thought and tried to find someone to talk to. I paged a close friend, not really expecting her to call me back, but I was incredibly fortunate that she called me back quickly. I picked up the phone, heard her voice, and tears flowed uncontrollably, "I want to talk to you; my husband wants a divorce..."

She finally came to my side, and upon seeing me, her caring eyes gazed at me for a long time. I just cried, and she let me cry freely. Then she spoke, "I never thought that you, such an intelligent woman, would have such foolish thoughts. You're too foolish, aren't you? Do you want to die? For what? For whom? You don't have the right to waste your own life! Your life was given to you by your parents, and it doesn't belong to you alone. Your son, your sister, your brother, and me, your friend, we all love you the most. Can you bear to leave them behind? Why do you want to die? For a nonexistent relationship? For a man who no longer loves you? Is it worth paying such a high price? Marriage is only a part of life, and the failure of a marriage does not mean the failure of your entire life. You must go on living, and you must live well!"

I am truly grateful to my good friend. Her sincere and genuine friendship warmed me at that critical moment, saved me, and made me give up the idea of death.

My son and my friend helped me regain my clarity.

During that time, I couldn't gather the energy, had no interest in anything, didn't watch TV, hated noise, and couldn't stand people speaking loudly or arguing. I wore a troubled expression all day, and even the slightest inconvenience would make me cry... It felt like everything and everyone was against me, and everything was so uncomfortable. My heart was filled with grievances and sadness. It was the most dismal and desperate period in my life. I lost my appetite, suffered from insomnia all night, and often found myself unable to sleep past 2 o'clock in the morning, standing on the balcony alone, staring at the sky and counting the stars. During that time, I made myself miserable.

In the initial days following his request for a divorce, I unconsciously turned to my son as my sole emotional anchor. Every evening after work, I would quietly sit in the house, eagerly awaiting my son's return. My son is a very mature child, with a modern mindset, and he remained relatively composed about our impending divorce. One evening before the full moon on August 15th, the moon outside was exceptionally round and bright, so we didn't turn on the lights indoors. I sat on the bed, and my son rested his head on my lap. He began to talk about his father's decision to divorce me and our future life. In the moonlight, I could clearly see two tears rolling down from my son's eyes. I thought to myself, being a child in the face of their parents' divorce is the most helpless and painfully unspoken role one can have.