Act of God

Were it any other time, Bob would have been ashamed, his face was unshaven, and his shirt and slacks unpressed! He hoped the client wouldn’t mind, after all, it was so hard finding a proper laundromat these days, especially in light of what had happened. Still, he couldn’t help but feel a bit embarrassed as he drove on. He brought the ATV to a stop. GPS had marked this spot, though for the life of him, Bob couldn’t see the house that he was supposed to be assessing. Bob spun the hatch open, and stepped out, straightening the tie that Margret had given him for their 7th anniversary.

“Oh! Thank heavens you are here,” a slender young man, dressed in a torn t-shirt and ragged pants exclaimed. This must be the contact Bob was looking for. Odd fashion sense, this fellow had. (‘Richard’ as the insurance forms identified him) Maybe in a few years, or at a rowdy rock concert, Bob could have understood the torn t-shirt, but a business meeting like this? Wholly unacceptable. Sales once again sold their services to ‘riff-raff’ who couldn’t appreciate the finer things of life.

“Ah yes, the nuclear fallout zone delayed me a bit,” Bob apologized, “Unseasonably high gamma rad levels around here, wouldn’t you say?”

Richard blinked; “Clearly small talk wouldn’t be his strong suit. All too common of this younger generation,” Bob thought.

“Ah, yes, it is... uhm high.” Richard offered, “You are here to assess the damage to the house, yes?”

“Quite so, but I must say you really should have put the address of the house in the contact form, though I suppose I can follow you back to it.”

Richard blinked again, “Clearly intelligence wasn’t his strong suit, much like the rest of this generation,” Bob thought.

“You don’t understand this IS the house.” Richard said, “In fact, you are standing right at the front door.”

Bob looked down, all he saw beneath him was a concrete step, sitting right at the edge of a large crater.

“You mean to say THIS,” Bob gestured dramatically at the crater, “is the house? Nonsense, no man could live in that crater, why I have your house down as a 2-story colonial with an attached 2 car garage.”

“Yes well,” Richard interjected.

Bob cut him off, he wanted to get his point fully across, since he would have to carry this client meeting. “Roof was last replaced 2 years ago, average life of the roofing being 15 years, and some mild uncovered flood damage from 5 years back, with mold that we couldn’t cover the eradication of, but that you promised to remove to stay ‘in-policy’.”

“Yes well, after the meteor strike, and the nearby nuclear bombing, my house was totally destroyed, not one brick remains upon another.”

Bob flipped through the pages on his clipboard, “My notes may be wrong, but isn’t this a wood panel domicile? Not brick? That is how you filled out the forms.”

“Yes, it was, I was using a turn-of-phrase.”

“Ah, so then where is the house?” Bob said, nodding thoughtfully.

“Well, all that remains is the step you are standing on, and of the possessions inside, this gold locket from my saintly mother-in-law, God rest her inheritance.” Robert pouted, and produced the heart-shaped locket from his pants pocket. The locket itself looked unharmed, but the chain appeared to be missing quite a length.

“Now we’re getting somewhere.” Bob said, reaching into his back pocket and returning with a jeweler’s eyepiece. He snatched the locket from Robert. “Hmm, yes. This would appear to be the 14-karat solid gold locket with 20-inch chain. Though it would appear that some 12 inches of the chain is missing, tell me, do you have it, or is the chain unrecoverable?”

“Well, I couldn’t find it but..” Robert stammered.

Bob flipped to a page and scrawled some notes. “Perfect, just take this to the nearest jewelers and invoice us for the repair costs, your coverage for jewelry was quite good, up to $16,000 dollars, with no deductible, so long as the item was not lost. Though these days, that repair may cost a bit more than otherwise.” Bob added thoughtfully.

“Now see here, the locket is all well and good, but I need coverage for the house! It has been fully destroyed, and you will find it was no fault of my own. When I found you were still doing business, you gave me the last bit of hope that I wouldn’t starve in this wasteland. That society still lived on.”

“Very well, it is simply the rationale of the Boston Insurance Company to restore as much of your possessions as we can. I can see though that you would like to discuss the house itself, so we can get back to the possessions later I suppose. Tell me, what happened, your house...” Bob paused and looked over his clipboard at the crater, “appears to have seen better days. Do you feel the previously covered repairs to the roof contributed at all to the damage?”

“NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST!” Robert roared, “But I feel confident that the meteor strike and following nuclear bombardment may be part of the problem.”

“Hmm... Well, that is a pickle.” Bob said as he flipped through the forms on his clipboard, “A meteor strike is understood to be an ‘Act of God’ and despite us offering excellent coverage for such an event you don’t appear to have that written into your policy, though you have full coverage for all other types of damage, some of which Boston Insurance is proud to uniquely offer. Have you upgraded your policy more recently?” He offered.

“ARE YOU MAD? The meteor strike was near Egypt, it disrupted trade, and caused some minor earthquakes, but nothing to do this.” Robert was gesticulating furiously at the crater.

Bob reached into the armored hatch of his ATV and began shuffling a short stack of newspapers. He surprised himself, he had left the radio on, how foolish of him, he better wrap up this meeting quickly, else the battery would die.

“That meteor strike you are referring to, I see it now.” Bob held up a 2-month-old paper. He reviewed it quickly. “Yes, it would be the position of Boston Insurance that this meteor strike would not have had a material effect on the viability of the house. Tell me, what else could have done... this, then?”

Robert sighed, then smiled. “That would be the nuclear strike, followed by conventional bombardment. I feel the combination of the two eradicated the house, despite the lack of radiation in this area.”

Bob began reading the policy again, much more carefully.

Just then, the radio came to life, “Citizens of the world, it is your leader, the glorious God-King of the Universe... CARL. Any information leading to the bombardment and destruction of the resistance forces will be rewarded with a limited-time lottery entry. Please call 717-566-6558 if you have any information. Operators are standing by!”

Bob looked up, “I am afraid Robert, that your policy doesn’t cover the method by which your home was damaged.”

“What, but you agreed I had coverage for all types of damage!” Robert stammered.

“All types of damage save ‘Acts of God’,” Bob reminded. “Boston Insurance is proud to be an all-inclusive, non-denominational company. Given that CARL (leader of the world, creator of death, the sword of retribution to the innocent) has declared himself the supreme God-King, and given that it was his holy wrath that ordered the bombardment which we agree was materially involved in the destruction of your home, Boston Insurance holds that this is an ‘Act of God’ and thus falls outside your policy, as it was written at the time of damage.”

“You can’t do this!” Robert spluttered, “clearly you can see the absurdity of this!”

“I am afraid the decision is above my paygrade.” Bob said, pulling a form his clipboard and handing it to Robert. “If you disagree, feel free to fill out form 18-6572 and scan, email, or fax it to our office, and my manager can review your claim within a 3-month time period. Should he disagree with me, any costs incurred during the interim would be reimbursed by Boston Insurance Company, once your deductable is met, of course.”

“But... You can’t be serious.” Robert whimpered.

“As you put it Robert, my willingness to show up was a sign of society, Boston insurance Company’s forms and processes are part of what keeps our society orderly and functioning.” Before climbing back in his ATV, Bob pulled a piece of paper from his suit jacket pocket. “Please fill out this customer satisfaction survey as well! Boston Insurance Company prides itself on its 5-star service, and between you and me, I would greatly enjoy the extra week of vacation that a 5-star record would allow, so filling that out doesn’t just help the company, but me personally.”

And with a wave and a smile, Bob climbed back into the ATV, locked the NBCR-proof hatch, and began driving back home. “Few things compare to the feeling of a job well done.” he thought.