A Wandering Nerve

Waking in unfamiliar surroundings was a feeling she knew well, confused and dehydrated, with a dull ache in the head that made her reluctant to open her vinegar eyelids. A white hot light met her pupils causing her lids to snap shut again replacing the bright light with large seared orbs, seemingly trapped beneath the membrane of skin.

Unwelcome thoughts of times, plenty, awoken in strange places bullied their way into her mind. She clenched her jaw as minutes passed slowly as if with friction and she felt distressed, unable to work out whether she was indoors or outdoors. She felt skin on skin but not in the usual way. Allowing her limbs to blindly explore the terrain seeking cloth or the weight of comforters before realising it was fruitless. Disoriented by the lack of structure in her surroundings she forced herself to stand though she felt as unsteady as an indecisive weight. In her vision was pale flesh, saturated under a large light source, unexplained and impossible. She clambered up a ridge hidden under the pallid layer onto a wider expanse to answer the questions which were quickly stacking up. Above the sky was a blue but had texture like that of a dappled fabric, the peculiar terrain stretched for what seemed like miles beyond her. Working to catching her breath her ears honed in on a low medical bleep.

What the fuck, She hushed quietly.

Unmistakably she heard somebody clearing their throat.

Hello Penny .

Hello, Who are you? Where are you?

I am Throat. That should answer both of your questions.

Okay, dreaming. She thought - relief.

Not quite, Nice to make your acquaintance Miss Mini-Penny, said Head before erupting into raucous laughter at his quip, it enveloped her like weather.

Penny’s next breath clipped at the back of her throat as she realised they must be able to hear her thoughts.

Guys try not to scare her, Heart piped up.

Penny Darling, Don’t be scared, You are going to be okay.

Easy for you to say Heart, she didn’t almost smash you in beyond repair, Head responded.

What the fuck is going on. I’ve finally gone crazy have I?

No.. Not at all. Not crazy, in fact I’ve been thinking you’re more settled than you have been in years.

Loins smirked. Not down where I am concerned, Head, down here she hasn’t been able to decide what it is we want.

Hmmm Yes, I would tend to agree with that said Heart. Not to worry though, we’ve got a bit of down time now to get things in order.

Down time?

Well. We aren’t quite sure how long on that but poor Head needs to put her armour back together somewhat. Our accident was quite serious.

Okay.. What the fuck is going on?

The soles spoke up at this point. It was sort of my fault. I hate to admit it… I put pedal to the metal when I saw that car coming. I should have slowed down, it was the wrong thing to do, I feel awful.

Gut was loud when she spoke. No, I should have spoken up at the time, she said, I was feeling we needed to stop, that we were tired.

Hey said Heart. We all know that we want the same thing, lets not waste this opportunity.

I, I need to take a minute.

The voices muttered between themselves inaudibly as the increasing thud underfoot knocked her down to her knees. Once there she lay her palms out on the warm skin of her own body.

If I am here, she grabbed at her own, wiry limbs, how am I also there. She jabbed pointedly at the patch of skin and felt it as an sense-echo in her own body, in her left clavicle. Looking around, with wide eyes, she realised she was sat in a fleshy, boney dish.

You are our soul, Mini-Penny. It was throat who delivered the news. Plainly and simply like it was the most natural thing in the world.

In times such as these when a host body is incapacitated, the spirit fractures into to guardian states and comes together - like a mothers meeting, of sorts.

Not everyone has all the folks coming together at once. This is quite the turnout said Soles.

Incredulous, Penny remembered her manners.

Well I suppose.. it's a pleasure to meet you Head, Heart, Throat, Gut, Soles.. Did I forget anyone?

Loins. It don’t matter, You ignore me most of the time anyway.

I am ready whenever you are Mini-Penny. It was Soles.

Ready for what?

A walk. A long walk to get some shit in order.

My boots are rubbing. Can go barefoot?

Baby, You can change your whole outfit. Just think it onto yourself, You are probably just wearing whatever you had on.

She looked down. She was wearing her boots and her black denim cut-offs. She had to tug and pull at the fabric to make out the design on her t-shirt only to see that it was one of Moon’s old band shirts. Slid up onto her head were the glasses that Jack had loaned to her. She decided to imagine one of her mums favourite old cardigans and pulled it tightly around herself glad that it had kept its scent.

Okay. I am ready. Which way?

Well there is a lot going on up by me so I recommend you go down first if that’s okay. We need to ease you in gently Head said, her tone clipped but kind.

Penny climbed out of the collarbone she had come to rest in and headed south towards a rippling of hill in front of her.

Are these my ribs? I’m getting thin.

Yes, that’ll happen when you lay prone like this for long period of time. You didn’t wake up until we had been out for at least a week honey, Heart said.

Shit.

Come and stand above me. I’ll try and get you prepared for your journey.

She instinctively walked down to her left, towards her right breast. It was small, freckled with small black hairs breaking through the surface of the wrinkled skin around her nipple. Shame flashed through her body like sheet lightning.

Oh Honey, it’s just us said Heart. Who taught you to hate us?

Penny shook off the residual feeling of ick and walked on.

When she got closer to the rhythm of her body it began to sync with her smaller form and she began to feel safer. Surrendering into herself as her chest heaved. A silent sob rippled through the basket of her own finely boned ribcage.

It’s going to be okay. Heart said softly.

There were letters imprinted on her skin like a feathery scar.

It was the formulae for Speed + Distance = Time but the numbers kept changing. Morphing seamlessly from one written outcome to the other.

Heart reassured, This will settle, the calculations foretell when your soul will fuse back in place. There are a number of different factors effecting it right now. You are healing and we don’t know when yet but its looking good, okay? We will.

Okay. Penny licked to moisten her lips where they had suddenly dried to the point of cracking.

She kissed herself on the heart with her rough mouth where the thudding was strongest and started to hum, feeling it reverberating in the cavern of her chest, beating her tiny fists on the space which pumped along with her fragile heartbeat.

Come down to me now Sweetheart, Gut was encouraging. We need to learn to trust each other again. You haven’t been listening.

She walked over her breast and patted her nipple which was soft but tensed with the touch and knocked her off balance. She laughed and tumbled down her breast on her butt onto her lower ribs.

When she started on her downward trajectory she could see the roundness of her paunch and she felt mixed feelings about visiting it.

It’s okay, you can stop loathing it just make the choice said Gut.

Repeat after me.

WE ARE IN OUR OWN BEST INTERESTS.

WE TRUST OUR GUT.

ITS OKAY TO LET OUR GUT DICTATE BOUNDARIES.

Sorry to over-egg it but you have really been avoiding our reality. Not so much in the last month but jeez our twenties have been a nightmare down 'ere. Eat some fucking vegetables you animal. I’ve appreciated you have stopped drinking like a sailor, I 'ave to say. It makes it a lot easier for me to be heard, do my job. I am down 'ear playing gymnastics to try and get your fucking attention.

You sound like my friend Frank, she giggled. Why is my gut from Boston?

Well I am speaking Frankly.

Haha, Good One said Head.

Seriously though, it’s an affectation sweetie, I am adopting the accent of the only person you’ve truly listened too in the last decade.

Well It’s working. Keep it up.

She felt buoyant but gingerly she made her way, passing over the tattoo she had gotten in her early twenties. It was a line drawing of a bird in flight. Tiny. She remembered having been scared of needles at the time but bowed to peer pressure at a party and had laid down full of grog, letting herself be branded. She bent down and sketched another 5 or 6 around her flying in flock.

It was an act of comfort to give herself a murmuration.

Standing at the peak of her paunch she saw stray fibres in the excavation of her navel that must have built up over the last week, she pulled them out and balled them up, tossing them over her torso to drift like tumbleweed toward her pelvis. A wry smile stretched over her face.

It certainly has been barren down there.

Loins scoffed and said, Tell me about it girl, before Heart could interject and say Hey, cut it out. I’ve been busy trying to protect us.

Thank You. Mini-Penny whispered.

Why am I so scared, so scared to let anyone in.

Oh gosh love, the list is lengthily. Keep walking and it will become clear.

She did a 360 turn standing on the centre point of her body arms outstretched. She realised she was at the place in which she was connected to her mother until birth. Laying down suddenly to weep she heard the sounds of the sea echoing in her navel, like she was holding a conch shell up to her ear. She thought of her parents, still in the town they had been passing through whilst she was a baby having uprooted from their home. They were never supposed to stay long, in the seaside town with little on the horizon but the realities of life had kept them tied until the threads that bound her parents wore thin and strained. She had been 6 years old when they separated and she could remember feeling like the fabric of life was worn through.

The comfort blanket became threadbare.

This is one reason, said Heart.

What is?

Oh its worth mentioning we can hear all of your thoughts, not just the ones you want us too. We are one after all.

She pulled her Mother’s jumper around her trying to use it to tie herself together and wipe her eyes.

They love you very much you know, Head said.

Mini Penny nodded as her chin twisted and gibbered.

Soles piped up and said, Your dad did love a game of This Little Piggy Went To Market, Constantly tugging on your tiny toes when he wasn’t busy stealing you nose.

Her body lurched with untold grief. Heaving to catch her breath she thought hard about how she knew they loved her though she knew she had spent the last decade making herself a stranger to them. Vowing to reach out should she wake up the whole gang spoke in chorus hearing her internal pain.

They trust that we’ll return said Head.

I will lead us to them said Heart.

We will work together to voice our love Throat said, though she heard the speech wavering with nerves.

Gut said frankly, We inherited your Dads IBS so I am a little weary but I suppose I am in.

Loins said, One day we will bare their grandchild. If we want. No pressure.

I think we want that, at some point, Heart said quietly.

I will take you to them said Soles.

There was a moment of silence and a chill entered the atmosphere. To her left she distinctly saw the hairs on her arms stand up on end like a field of crops in the wind and sighed for the pubescent girl incessantly teased for her unsightly hair which other girls her age didn't have.

Do you think I can make it?

If we take a running jump we will.

She turned to her right and sprinted over and off her torso, took flight and landed in her right hand, dangling off her thumb, which was erect like that of a hitchhiker. She saw her reflection in her thumbnail and took a moment to approve of her own face. Nodding. It hadn’t ever come easily.

Unpopular opinion here - spoke Heart. We are a sum of our parts, of course, but I for one know myself to be much more important than that, that reflection.

Throat butted in and said Oh Heart, Let the girl admire herself. Were only young once and there is something important about meeting your own gaze, wouldn’t you say?

I suppose.

You guys are fucking funny.

We are you. You are funny.

Hmm

Don’t be mistaken. Your playfulness might get you into trouble but it’s one of your gifts.

It’s not important though. Is it?

I beg to bloody differ said Head, other people do equations and memorise dates - we wordplay.

The feeling when we are laughing, It’s like massage to me, said Throat dreamily.

I always feel lighter after said Heart.

She hitched herself up onto her wrist whilst noticing her nail beds were cracked and sore.

I must look after my hands she thought.

And your feet, shouted up Soles

Penny bent to feel her fingerprint. It was rough like a cats tongue.

She thought about peering in to look at her life line, whether it fluctuated or had gotten cut short but decided for once to exist in the present, in the unknowing. She walked to the armhair that she had obsessed over as a high-schooler. Shaving and bleaching and detesting. It seemed so pointless now. It was soft to touch and she found it tickled. It meant nothing, it never had, looking from the other side.

She walked upwards to the scar. She would never know how it happened. She had woken up one morning aged 23 with the deep gash throbbing and had cleaned herself up and bandaged it for work that night, only visiting A&E when it bled through mid-shift and she had started to stumble lightheaded behind the bar. She had brushed it off as a DUI .. Drunken Unidentified Incident but honestly she didn’t like to think what had happened.

Do any of you guys know?

Are you sure you wanna do this? said Heart.

Head started angrily, I sure as hell can’t tell you exactly. I control visual memory but your blood alcohol level was so high that night I couldn’t put a VHS in the tape deck to record, as it were. Or a USB stick in the whatever.. You know. You blacked out Penny. Those are memories you can’t ever restore because they weren’t made in the first place.

I, I remember running said Soles almost silently.

I remember screaming said Throat.

I remember protesting said Loins.

I remember breaking said Head with a sob.

..

I remember promising to try harder to keep you safe said Head.

She looked at the scar and thought of train tracks.

The thick silvery line of the railway of a ghost train, an almost accident.

Fuck. I am sorry. I’m SORRY.

Don’t apologise to us. We are you. What aren’t you grasping about this?

We all want the same thing. We want us to be safe and at peace Heart said, through gritted heartstrings.

I want that too.

Do you think you know what you need to do?

You are forever chasing chaos. Chaos doesn’t care about you. YOU need to care about you.

Soles, I’ve been walking in my sleep. Why?

We are looking for something you can’t find in the waking hours I think.

Your trying to find something. I don’t know what, I just take you there.

You haven’t found it yet.

She walked up her arm further and was met with an earthy stink of musk. Her own brand of human. She dipped down into the cove of her arm pit which was clammy and dark but it smelled kind of wonderful. Thick hairs were spouting and the harsh marks of razor burn were fading a little. She touched the hairs and they were slick with sweat which she brought up to her face with cupped hands. It was invigorating, captivating to smell herself so closely.

Its good huh said Throat with a rasp.

You’ve sweat most of the toxins out now, that’s pure Penny. It’s nice to get high on your own supply sometimes, right?

She felt thick headed with its potency and crawled back out of the cove up and above onto her shoulder. It was from there that she saw it. Her neck had a mirage of a large dark lake but as her eyes focussed she realised it was thick purple bruises. Looking further up her skull her hair was matted thick with brown blood where it wasn’t bandaged. Her mouth had breathing apparatus lodged in it which was controlling her breath in controlled gusts.

She screamed. It trilled out through the air. She grabbed at her face to check there wasn’t something in her mouth and almost wished there was something helping her breath as she felt herself beginning to fold into what she knew now to be a panic attack.

Honey, honey, deep breaths, try not to panic. It’s going to be okay. Were already healing up nicely said Heart.

I couldn’t even speak last week, It’s easing every day said Throat.

Heart spoke sternly saying, This is the closest we have come but it’s not like there hasn’t been other times.

For the first time she thought as loudly as she could that she wanted these parts of herself to stop talking and they honoured.

She walked towards her chin and climbed up her bone structure being careful not to knock the mask that was keeping her alive. The corners of her mouth had deep pink cracks appearing and her nostrils were caked in congealed snot.

She shuddered and set to work grabbing the soft clay-like phlegm, it stank and her hands were full and oozing. She was aching and sweating, she stripped of her jumper and wiped the whole lot on her shirt and once she had cleared the passage she redressed herself in clean clothes from her mind.

Her cheeks were pink, still pillowy and soft and she stroked them tenderly before walking up to her eyes, her feet sank into her flesh.. Her eyelids were fluttering and she could see the globe of her eyeball spinning wildly under the thin lid which was scattered with feather blue veins. They looks like a map of an estuary from a birds eye view. In an impulsive act she pushed the lid up like she was opening the heavy shutters of a shop front. It was as if she had shaken a magic 8 ball and her eyeball span erratically until the pupil settled directly on her and dilated so it filled the iris of her brown eyes. She desperately wished she could tell the future from the shake of the ball but no answers sat in the inky pool. She slowly closed her eye and took a deep breath to steady herself before making her way to the wound. Her brow was furrowed and she took a minute to pause and massage the pained ridges out. Using a stray hair she grabbed and pulled herself over the precipice and looked at down onto her clotted crown. Seeing the large bald patch with the staples punched into it was violent. Her own head throbbed in sympathy. The drumming became overwhelming and she saw in her minds eye the accident playing out in-real time in front of her.

A car ahead on the highway thick with traffic, slalomed without warning into her path and in an act of urgency she slammed her feet down and tried to swerve just as the other car tried to correct itself, she in turn tried to avoid it and sailed at speed into the hard shoulder and into the reservation, launching with inertia into the air in-between herself and the windscreen and there was a sweet spot of levity before her skull made impact on the glass and everything when dark.

The noises she heard in her incapacitated state were shrill and chaotic.

Horns, screaming, thudding.

Can you hear us?

Miss, Can you hear us?

She isn’t responding.

Cut her out!

No – don’t move her.

Lets wait for the authorities.

Do you think she has insurance?

Somebody needs to call 911.

Miss, If you can hear us please show us somehow?

She woke with a chill. The voices were silent now and the lights had dimmed. She realised she must have passed out and she felt alone. The lonely feeling was familiar. She realised the ghostliness was a type of sleepwalking and in her sleepwalking she rose and clambered down her chin and onto her neck.

You’re going to learn how to vocalise how you really feel. Throat spoke matter of factly. Your constant imbibing is keeping you silent. You haven’t spoke honestly to anyone in years.

She felt cold and tired, though in harsh agreement with her guardian state still scolded.

It was dark now and Penny decided it was time to visit the damp place.

Climbing down unsteadily she shimmies down her inner thighs, which are as heavily tattooed as the walls of a dive bar. She makes a nod of acknowledgement to the birthmark which sits beneath her generous crop of pubic hair. It’s a struggle to down climb the lanolin curtains of her bush and she nestles a foot into the crease of her opening, it is a soft and inviting version of the desert boulders she has been scrambling over recently. As she inches closer, Fragments of her earliest sexual experience hit her in flashback. One by one each of her carnal memories present themselves, increasing in speed and intensity until she realises she will have to visit the most painful. A ringing in her ears accompanies heavy breathing. Closing her eyes does nothing towards blocking out the imagery. It’s a struggle not to loose footing as a primal scream erupts - Screaming as loud as she couldn’t that night. Convulsing and writhing her skin burns with discomfort before the scream runs out and is replaced by weighted silence. She has clarity.

This wasn’t your fault. This, was never your fault.

She weeps for what feels like hours and when she is spent she travels down and slides in one motion into her own cavern. It’s cramped. A tunnel, warm and pulsing. Instinct sends her up the birth canal, the fleshy internal ridges providing hand holds for her passage finally collapsing into what she assumes is her womb.

Finally after the long crossing she sleeps.

Penny will wake in a matter of weeks surrounded by love and worry. Fractures healed and life-lines solidified.

One knowing sliver of her will sleep forever, dormant and protected.