A Twist in the Road

I'm a very straight forward kind of guy. What's the point of making things complicated when it doesn't have to be. Just follow the straight and narrow and you will get to where you are going. I have followed that belief for sixteen years and so far, it has served me well.

I was doing well in school, I had a part-time job, and I did a lot of extra curricular activities despite my lack of social skills. Busying myself kept my mind clear, it allowed me to focus when I really needed to. It also helped me learn to understand people, to some extent, something that I was never really able to do. No matter how hard I tried, people always confused me. I either take a joke a bit too seriously, or don't catch on to a bit of sarcasm, and then, I'm lost. This never used to bother me though, since I rarely made any small talk with anyone, I wasn't exactly a social butterfly. So I had rules, and I did my best to follow them.

Rule number one, do not speak unless spoken to, I tried to break this rule for a while, to learn more about being social, but I found myself leading conversations about a topic that I knew next to nothing about far too often. So I stick to this rule a lot more closely now. Awkward conversations are something I avoid like the plague. It's a lot easier that way, I don't have to lead conversations, so I have more time to think about my responses. It's much easier to tell someone you don't know much about something when you aren't the one in the lead since it wasn't your idea to bring it up.

Rule number two, avoid small groups of people. I try and stick to larger groups of people, where it's harder to get noticed. This makes it easier to sneak out of the group ad go my own way when I need some time to myself. It isn't always easy for me to be in a group, so I prefer to simply go unnoticed, reserving my energy until I really need it.

Rule number three, "No" is your best friend. Sure it may make me seem like a real downer sometimes, but it keeps me out of awkward situations. It's a two letter word that keeps me out of trouble. Naturally I won't say no to everything, but it's always good to set boundaries. Which brings me to my final rule.

Rule number four, maintain your boundaries. It's pretty easy for someone to just walk up to me and enter my personal space, so I have to prepare for that. Readying myself to avoid awkward or private questions, and always knowing when someone is approaching me. Getting caught off guard is the easiest way to accidentally break a rule.

I never cared about being popular, but I never cared for being the loser either. In both cases, I am usually forced into positions that I would much rather avoid, and for a while, just being in the middle worked out just great. I did well in school, I was able to avoid the situations I hated, and I could maintain my social batter, charging up until I really needed a release, and then I met her.

This was before I started high school. I met her at one of the extracurricular activities I started getting into. At first I didn't really pay her any mind, just a thought, somewhere in the back of my mind. Before I knew it, time flew by, and high school started. I saw her at school and the extracurricular again that year, but that's when I couldn't stop thinking. My mind wouldn't focus on anything but her. I didn't know how to react to myself, but all I could seem to do was apply myself wholeheartedly into the activity.

​ Again time flew by, this time going even faster than before, and without realizing it, another year had gone by. Still, I couldn't get her off my mind. I wanted to talk to her, but I couldn't. It went against just about every rule I had set for myself to go up to her, so I didn't. But, that year I didn't see her at the extracurricular. By then it was my grade ten year in high school, and I had to begin working a lot harder towards my future goal. I learned about a private school out of town that I could go to, they had some of the best credentials I had ever seen. There was only one problem, I wouldn't be able to see her at school anymore. I would have to sacrifice her to bring myself closer than ever to achieving my plans for the future.

I was lost, I wanted to, at the very least, tell her, talk to her. But, what could I do? What could I say? I knew I couldn't afford the tuition for the next two years if I went to the private school, so should I give up? Try and be with her? No, the school give out scholarships for people who do well enough on their entrance exam. What if she likes me? I could be ruining my best chance. Once again, the year flew by.

Over the summer, I learned that the school was no longer giving out scholarships. A bittersweet piece of information. I couldn't go this year, but I get another shot wit her. It's my grade eleven year now, one of the most important in my life. If I did good enough, I would have a pretty solid chance in my top choice university. Now was the time, I had to find a way to tell her, the tuition for just one year of the private school was manageable, so I will be attending next year. If I don't tell her this year, I don't get another chance.

A text might be easier, this is something I want to do face to face though, so I just have to ask to talk to her. How hard could it be. I pondered this for several weeks before deciding not to do it. I need to know if she would even want to be asked out, so a different text, one that would ask her for her opinion. This time, it only takes a few days of pondering. Until I go through with it, after all, it's still pretty early in the year. I compose the text, not mentioning her specifically, so she won't know just yet. It says something along the lines of, "I like this girl, and don't know how to ask her out. I also don't know if I should since I'm leaving the school next year." Perfect.

I send the text during lunch, and then it's too late. I realize shortly after how it looked. How could I be so stupid? If she did like me, she probably thinks I like someone else, and if she didn't, she probably thinks I'm pathetic. Later that day I send another text, asking her to just forget about it. I didn't sleep at all that night, and the weekend had already come. My mind is assaulted by my mistake. I can think of nothing else. The weekend feels like an eternity, time slowly moving forward, while my mind is going a million thoughts a minute. I need to clear it up, I need to tell her how I really feel.

The next week, I simply couldn't face her. How could I? Slowly, each opportunity passed me by, begging me to take it before slipping away. I see her at lunch, and feel my heart pounding, as I feel torn between going to her and staying put. I need to talk to her, that is the only thought that goes through my head for the next two weeks. All of time seems to slow down when she is near me, only making the torment of being too scared to talk to her last longer. I have to follow my rules, I would be a mess without them. But, why would she approach me? Why would she want to talk to me of all people? I have to be the one to start the conversation, but I can't.

It would take less than a minute, and then, I would get my answer. I could calm my mind. No matter what the answer, I'm certain I can handle it. I have to. I try to find her during my lunch period, looking where I usually see her sitting, but I can't find her. I refrain from asking to talk to her over text, but I don't know where to look. Maybe she went to the library, but when I go and check, I don't see her. I know a friend of hers, maybe I could ask her.

No, I can't do it. When I think about asking her, my body freezes. I have such a perfect chance, why can't I take it. Why am I letting an opportunity like this slip away. Who knows when a chance like this will come again. Go! I can't. I have to. This could be my only chance to ask about her. Another opportunity will come, it always does. But, will I take it?

I rush away to my next class, bottling up the thought for another day. I need to stop thinking. I need to work. Stop thinking about her, it won't change anything. I need to work, dedicate my thoughts to something else, anything else. I can't keep hiding, sooner or later, I will have to step out of the shadows, and when I do, I need to be ready to face her. I have made up my mind, the next possible time, no thinking, no stopping, just going up to her and asking to talk.

The day came sooner than I had expected. It was lunch, and I saw her sitting in her usual spot. I stood up and began walking towards her, taking deep breaths with each step. My heart began to pound, faster and faster, and I could feel my legs weaken as I approached her. It's now or never, time to break a personal rule.

"Hey!" I say, a slight hesitation showing in my voice, "Could I talk to you for a second" This was it, now I can't go back. As I awaited her response, time seemed to freeze. The short moment that I was stuck in while waiting, lasted an eternity. My eyes forced forward looking at her, I remembered again why I was afraid. Everything about her was perfect. Her sparkling eyes, her incredible smile. My thoughts didn't matter to me now, if I could stay right here, for just a moment longer, it would have all been worth it.

"Sure." She smiles, a genuine smile falling over her face. We stem out of earshot of the other people at the table. I could feel the pressure going to my head as blood rushed upward, making my face turn beet red. I took a few breaths in a weak attempt to slow my racing heart.

"Actually, I wanted to tell you something about that message I sent you." I looks her in the eyes, slowly trying to form my sentence, beginning something, then quickly stopping, and trying again, "Well, the girl I was talking about, was you." After those words exited my mouth. I quickly ushered myself away. Sitting back down at my lunch table to manage my thoughts. I did it, but now a different feeling filled my stomach. What could I do now. I told her then left. Leaving no time for any actual response. I guess there's nothing to do except wait and see how everything plays out. In all honesty, I achieved almost nothing. I still don't know if she likes me back, and I still don't know how to talk to her.

That's all there is to it. That's my dilemma, my story. The worst part of it all, is that those short months were truly some of the scariest of my life. I was always pretty introverted, and never really understood social cues. That was my disability. I know that there are so many other people who have it much worse than me, who suffer beyond anything I could imagine. So, I will end my story with one final twist: Rule number five, if under any circumstance all of the previous rules must be broken, don't worry, just do exactly what this rule says and you will be able to continue with some grace; forget everything else, take a deep breath, count to ten in your head, then do the only thing you truly can do, and panic.

The End