A Mom's Love

Julie sat on the park bench, watching her daughter laughing while swinging high on the swing. A tall skinny latee warmed her cold hands, its smell of strong, freshly ground beans helped her to feel more awake. Her daughter, Anabelle, called out to her. She was excited to show off her new skill of pumping her legs, a joyous smile radiated from her rosy cheeks. Julie shouted words of praise and gingerly sipped her coffee, although she didn't even taste it. An angry face appeared in front of her and she was transported to the time and place when the accident happened.

Her head filled with pressure and hot tears prickled in the corner of her eyes, threatening to pour down her cheek. Suddenly Anabelle's words jolted the memory away and the angry face of another father walked away. She took a deep breath to slow her pounding heart and stop the spinning anxiety. Anabell's joy was transformed to worry as she stared into her mother’s face. She said, “Mom, did you see me jump? It was the highest jump yet; did you miss it?” Julie’s stomach felt heavy as she filled with guilt, it happened again and it was getting worse.

“Let’s go for pizza”, Julie said, hoping to make up for the lapse in attention and ease Anabelle’s worry. Anabelle leaped up in excitement and ran for the car, hoping to beat her mom and get there first. All was forgotten.

When Anabelle was asleep, Julie mustered all her courage and phoned her mom. “Mom, how are you? I have something to ask you something, it’s important.” There was a pause as her mother cleared her throat before allowing Julie to go on. “I need to know what happened when I was in the hospital, all I remember is Dad’s face, it was so angry…….” “STOP” her mother commanded. “I told you it’s best to leave the past in the past. Now tell me dear, how have your sales been?”

Time passed by quickly as the red and yellow leaves dropped from the trees and with the frosty air, Winter came. The rain continued to pour in heavy sheets, unrelentlessley. Julie sipped on her third coffee as she led a young couple through a multi-million-dollar home while pointing out the main features to ensure a quick sale. “It has a built-in vacuum”, Julie was saying as the client interrupted her, “as if that were something that we would use, we have a vacuum that works when we are away” she snapped. Her fiancé said, “don’t be so rude, Sarah, she is just doing her job”. His face crinkled into a scowl as anger flushed his cheeks from being embarrassed in front of Julie. Suddenly, his face turned into her father’s face, and he stood towering above her. The sound of the vacuum whirled and hummed in the distance, and she felt her breath catch in her lungs as the room began to spin.

Julie was jolted into the present moment by a loud sigh, just in time to hear her clients’ say they were going to see another home. She quickly apologized for getting lost in thought and told them she realized that the vacuum was outdated. She hoped to save the moment by suggesting they see the Ofuro hot tub on the private back deck, overlooking the lights on the mountain surrounded by the beauty and scent of the ancient cedar trees.

It was three am, Julie sat up; she heard a loud thump, felt tears, smelt pine, but it faded away as she slid out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. She went pee and poured a glass of water from the tap. The dream was over, but she knew that it would be a long time before she fell asleep and an even longer day when the morning began. Anabelle awoke at six in the morning, screaming, “SNOW” at the top of her lungs. Her excitement jolted Julie out of bed, her heart pounding yet she felt sleepy.

After making snow angels and enjoying a warm breakfast, Julie made a second cup of coffee, packed up their lunches, and prepared for an extra long snowy commute. She dropped Anabelle off at school and made it to work just in time. As soon as she walked through the door, the receptionist told her the boss wanted to see her right away. Julie headed straight to the bathroom, splashed cold water over her face, straightened up her hair, and tried to wipe the grogginess from her eyes.

She stopped to fill up her coffee for the third time before heading to meet her boss, feeling dread from the memory of meeting the night before. Dione greeted her with excitement and told Julie that the house sold for one hundred thousand over the asking price, the buyers loved the private deck. She was so impressed with Julie’s sales record that she wanted her to show the five million dollar home that sat on the edge of the Pacific Ocean.

Stunned, Julie said nothing and then crumpled into a ball, covered her face, and wept. “I can’t”, she cried as tears poured down her face. Julie couldn’t breathe, her arm went numb, she felt her chest tighten, the numbness radiated into her jaw, and then all the way down her arm into her fingers.

Anabelle flashed through her mind, she felt afraid, and so scared. She unclasped her bra, it felt as if it were strangling her. She stood up, she needed to pick Anabelle up from school and at the same time, Dione called 911. Everything went blurry and the next twelve hours went by in a rush.

The ambulance arrived and rushed her to the hospital. Dione called Julie’s mother, told her what happened, and asked her to pick up Anabelle. She asked another member of the team to show the home.

Julie woke up a few hours later, in the hospital. She had a pounding headache, a cuff around her arm taking her blood pressure, and a monitor hooked around her chest, into a machine that showed her heart beating. “Anabelle” she cried as she tried to climb out of the bed. A nurse came over quickly and told her to stay in bed. “My name is Samuel; I am sorry to tell you just had a massive heart attack and are lucky to be alive. Your daughter is with your mom, once we received the tests back, we can tell you more”.

Julie had so many questions, “Why am I here? How did this happen?” They were questions that no one had answers to. Samuel suggested she write them down to ask the doctor in the morning. Because she and her mother had rarely spoken for 20 years, Julie thought she would rather die than have her take care of Anabelle. But weak, and suffering from months of sleep deprivation, she dozed off until the doctor woke her in the morning.

Dr. Riley, a Cardiologist, sat perched at the edge of a stiff plastic chair, waiting for her to wipe the sleep from her eyes. He told her it was unusual for a thirty-five-year-old healthy woman to have a heart attack. He said that they needed to do more tests to be sure that her health was stable and better understand the cause of the high troponin levels found in her blood. He explained that the troponin is released into the blood when heart tissue dies. They didn't yet know if there was any damage. He told her that Samuel was on shift for three more hours and would find her some breakfast. Before Julie could say a word, Dr. Riley was gone.

A few days passed and Julie was beginning to feel like a caged squirrel. All her tests came back with great results, and she had hopes of going home. A lady named Marie came to see her and introduced herself as the hospital social worker. She asked Julie if anyone told her family about her heart attack as no one had been to visit. Julie told her that she didn’t want anyone to know and that she was going to tell her daughter she had gone away for a last-minute business trip.

Marie told Julie that she needed social support, and that the driver's license protocol would not be allowed to drive for one month after having a heart attack. She told Julie that she needed to reach out to her family, or the social worker would call them herself. She told her that she needed to look out for Annabelle’s best interest and be sure that Julie had the support necessary to care for her when she returned home.

Julie stared blankly at Marie, she froze and felt shock take over. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Marie asked if she could call her dad, a sibling, or a friend? Julie continued to stare; how could she explain the depth of her family disfunction? She swallowed the lump in her throat, put on her best “fake” smile, and gave Marie her dad’s number. The only thing that mattered was Anabelle.

After five endless nights and days, Julie put on her clothes and stepped out of the hospital. Her Dad was waiting impatiently, his forehead creased by deep, long lines. They sat in silence for a few minutes, and then he began. He told her how irresponsible she was, reminded her about her divorce, and how she failed to be a teacher... threw it all away to sell houses. She said nothing and after a long silence, he told her it was time to grow up. He ended the conversation by telling her he hoped she wouldn't call for help during the workday anytime soon. She silently vowed not to.

Julie’s head was spinning as she stepped out of the vehicle. Before she could process the conversation, Anabelle met her on the street and gave her a huge bear hug, while covering her face with hot tears. The tears streamed down her face, her little chest thumped and shuttered. When all the tears, enough to fill an ocean ran dry, she asked her, “how could you leave me”? How could you leave me with her?

Her mom drove them home and waited for Julie to finish putting Anabelle to sleep. Once baths, stories, and cuddles were had, she tucked her in and switched off the light. When she sat at the kitchen table, her mom handed her a hot cup of tea and pleaded for her to come back home. She knew she needed to stand firm and told her mom that she was grateful she took care of Julie. She told her that she needed to raise her on her own and would get through this. She knew that life was not easy for her mother and decided to be gentle with her. All the disagreements of the past took a place on the back burner as she took in the current moment. Her mom was there, she was present, she stepped up and took care of her granddaughter for five days, despite not even knowing her.

Julie leaned into discomfort and took a risk; she asked her mom about the accident one more time.

This time here mom told her the story. When Julie was little, her mom was changing her brother’s diaper. Julie climbed up the twelve-foot Noble fir Christmas tree. The tree toppled over with Julie holding on near the eight-foot mark near the top of the tree. Her mom left her brother in an effort to stop the tree from falling, but it was too late. Julie smashed her head on the marble floor and the tree landed on her little body. Just before she blacked out, her dad come running into the room, looked at her mother, and screamed at the top of his lungs, with his forehead creased, “how could you let this happen”? Just at that moment, her little brother rolled of the change table, and both children needed to visit the hospital. Julie suffered a concussion and it was never spoken about again.

Julie’s mom sat at the table, broken, and sobbing as if it has happened moments ago. Julie finally understood why her mother was so distant. All these years, she had blamed herself for it all and then for the divorce that took place shortly after. Julie held her mom and told her that it wasn’t her fault. Their tears flowed down their faces and soaked their sweaters, a healing journey began.

Six months later, Julie received a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (PTSD). She finally understood why she zoned out, why an angry look on a stranger’s face triggered her and caused her to feel such panic. Julie was not broken; she had been suffering from trauma. All her life, she took responsibility for others anger and pain. She wanted to keep life peaceful, and it had cost her everything, including her health. After attending several sessions of trauma therapy, and months of therapy with her mom, Julie quit having panic attacks, the triggering stopped, and she quit zoning out.

She went back to work and within a year, made it to the top ten board of real estate agents, in her entire agency. She realized that she wasn’t weak for giving up teaching, she was following her passion. Julie also realized that having a heart attack was not a sign of failure, but a sign of working too hard and trying to control things that were beyond her control. Once she learned to make self-care a priority and that her needs were important too, she was able to gain back her health, and become stronger and healthier than ever before.

Once again, the fall leaves turned brown, and the chilly winter air returned. Julie and Anabelle swung side by side, pumping their legs while throwing their heads back in the wind. Julie didn’t need a third cup of coffee to warm her hands and stay awake. She had warm fuzzy mittens and enough energy to jump off the swing at the same time as Anabelle and race her all the way to the car. They were off to share a pizza and all the wonderful stories of the week that passed. They spent a weekend filled with wearing pajamas, reading stories, and snuggling under warm blankets together.