A Hole in the Heart

I never thought I was capable of so much anger — no, this was far deeper than anger. This must have been rage. A wrathful vengeance, the truest feeling of betrayal or hatred, were one unfortunate enough to experience it.

My footfalls were virtually silent as I neared the end of the shadowed cobblestone alley, now approaching one of the main roads. Hidden away from the revealing lights of the streetlamps I stopped walking momentarily to watch, and to listen. Save for the music of chirping crickets, the way before me appeared to be barren.

With not a soul in earshot or sight I ventured on, confident that the common townsfolk were long asleep in such late hours of the autumn night. Never a fool to assumptions, however, the hood of my black cloak remained up and I kept to the very edge of where the darkness met the light.

***

It’s difficult to accurately recall exactly what was going through my mind when I first came home to the scene; the sight and smell of the drying blood, the handprints smeared about the floors and walls, then the lifeless bodies of my wife and daughter. I remember this choking feeling, this rising feeling of anger and a sinking, drowning feeling of anguish.

In what turned into a blind fury I began smashing anything and everything that wasn’t already broken. I toppled the family bookshelf, kicked over a side table, threw one chair left and another right. With the third I aimed to smash through the centre of the kitchen table before I froze entirely, chilled right to the bone.

There was a note left on the table. It was a simple, short message, accompanied by a dreadfully familiar insignia.

***

After a long and uneventful walk, my destination was in sight. I kept to the cover of the trees and shrubs, and simply observed. Two guards stood rather tiredly at the front gate, one leaning against the great wall smoking something. A cigar, it didn’t matter. Paying closer attention to the walls, I decided they would not be easily scaled since they were at least 100 feet high. Even with the assistance of one of the taller trees there was no way for me to get over that without being noticed. I began eyeing the guards again.

Thoughtfully caressing the handle of my small crossbow, I considered whether or not it was worth killing them both. Easiest route perhaps, but these men likely did nothing wrong. They were only doing their jobs, and they both likely had a family waiting for them at home. Was it truly worth becoming a monster myself?

No. Clenching my jaw, I tore my hand away from my concealed weapon. I had already been so patient in biding my time. I had waited well over a year, even in knowing what I knew and feeling what I felt. It would just take a little more of my patience before I seized my moment. If it took all night, it took all night. In the meantime, I slowly crept forwards.

***

I remember well how life had been before. How my dear daughter, Sari, was well-loved and endeared by the townsfolk. I remember the times she would often play with the other children, and that beautiful smile of hers. But now, whenever I reminisced on these things, her blonde ringlet hair was tainted with the blood I saw that day.

The townsfolk were distraught themselves when they heard the news. Jack, the blacksmith’s boy — not to mention Sari’s best friend — had broken down entirely. Zariah, the towns produce saleswoman and a close friend of my wife Milah, had to close shop for a couple of days due to her grief. Erik the bard wrote a hauntingly beautiful song on the tragedy.

For me, there was no healing. For me, there was no going home. I felt a horrible certainty that I would never have a true home again. I found a new living space around a month later, but I knew in my heart that it would never be a home. Not really.

I had the support of the townsfolk, I had all the time in the world to grieve, but this was not something I would ever heal from… Especially in knowing, without a doubt, who was behind it all.

***

Eventually, one guard appeared to have fallen asleep. The other stayed in place for a while, but suddenly straightened up a little, adjusted his belt and walked around to the other side of the wall.

I had already managed to get pretty close. In fact, close enough even to hear the faint, steady stream to know exactly what the guard was up to. Ensuring the other was still asleep, I silently moved to the wall right behind where the guard should emerge again. I stooped down to lift a rather large piece of stone that had crumbled off the ancient wall.

The stream stopped, and there was soon a thumping of lazy footsteps approaching. I raised the stone and brought it down the moment the guard’s helmeted head was visible. With a clang, then a thud, the unconscious guard hit the ground. The other remained in his slumped sitting position, still clearly sleeping through all this.

Good.

I tugged off the man’s helmet and chainmail with a military-like efficiency, though in the process did make sure the man was still breathing. I got the armor on, and put the helmet directly over my still-hooded head before tucking my trailing cloak neatly into my chainmail. Walking through the entrance I looked around. It was dark, but strategically placed torches lit the way. The occasional stray guard patrolled or stood at a door here and there. I couldn’t have chosen a better time, I was certain of it. Without hesitation I approached the central stone staircase.

***

It must have been the look in her eyes. The utter clarity they had lead me to fully understand what others meant when they said eyes were windows into the soul. Milah’s had always held honesty, purity, and that bright-eyed way that she drank in the world around her.

We met during a festival. More specifically, we met during a celebratory dance in a festival. The moment our hands touched as we switched from our previous partners, the very moment our eyes met, I was captivated. Absolutely love-struck.

Once the dance was over I knew I needed to find her, and set myself to do so. I weaved my way through the crowds for a bit before I found her seated on a bench, smiling as she took in the scenes around her.

My heart still melted with the all too familiar image.

She and I spoke, and despite my family’s disapproval I courted her, and eventually married her. She was the love of my life, and I very willingly gave up everything for her. She may have been a peasant, and my family may have banished and disowned me for that, but I know I had made the right choice. Certain, and even more certain when I first held our infant daughter in my arms.

Despite the consequences I faced, the day I chose to familiarize and acquaint myself with the common folk was one I most smiled upon. I couldn’t ask for more, and I couldn’t have been happier.

***

As I reached the top of the steps I casually approached the large wooden doors whilst ignoring the two similarly dressed guards entirely. At least, up until the one that had been eyeing my rather suspiciously stopped me with a hand on my chest.

“What business do you have here? Where is your post?” the man asked, looking me over with a mixture of suspicion and curiosity.

“The front gate. I’ve been sent to deliver a message to Kenric,” I answered quite nonchalantly. The guard’s expression changed to one of mild surprise.

Kenric was practically the King’s right-hand man. He was in charge of most of the guards and knights, and was known to be a cold-blooded and ruthless man. Feared, loathed, and rightfully so. He was nearly as corrupt as the king himself.

After a brief pause the guard nodded, gesturing to the doors with his hand. “You may enter,” he spoke, and the other guard pulled the door open.

***

It seemed so long ago now. The furious expression on my father’s face, the look my mother had in her eyes when she was trying to choose her words carefully. She didn’t want to hurt my feelings, nor did she want to feed my father’s fire.

“A peasant, Tyren? Have you lost your head? Have you gone mad?” my father questioned, his voice harsh with his growing anger.

“I love her, father. And she loves me. We are very happy together,” I responded earnestly.

“I’m sure she does love you,” he yelled sarcastically. “Especially after she found out who you are and the wealth you have to your very name!”

My fists clenched. “You think me so daft? She had no idea who I was until–“

“Enough!” he roared. “You think this woman is so perfect? Run away with her! Give up everything for her cunning!” He swatted a vase off its pedestal then promptly pointed his finger at me, his gold jeweled rings glistening in the firelight in the room. “Just know that if you do that, you are banished from the family, and stripped of your birthright.”

My mother’s continued silence was unnerving. I looked at her, but she didn’t look at me; her focus was on the floor. My little brother Zoran was frozen in the corner, unable to take his green eyes off of our father.

***

These memories raced through my mind as I navigated the ornate corridors. The guards were much sparser as I made my way, and the ones that were around perhaps glanced over in general curiosity at best.

I knew I was growing closer. I could feel it in my heart and the way I felt sweat beginning to form at my hairline. The fact of the matter was that I really didn’t plan on talking to Kenric, or even finding him. That bloody oaf may be ruthless and heartless but he was good for nothing and always has been. Even when I was a mere child I saw this, and at my now age of 25 I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the tales. Very simply put, he was not worth my time.

My true task was much more terrifying. There was no turning back, there would never be an opportunity to apologize, and worst of all was the future scarring of my own mind and sanity. Once one gets blood on his hands, it will never truly wash out.

The feelings tore at my insides and ate away at my mind. It’s not that I wanted to do this. I would have rather died, I would have rather found any other possible way to avenge my family or even to let karma take its toll.

But there was no other way.

This man was too far beyond the possibility of redemption. There was no reasoning, no suggesting, and there was no simple conversing. He had gone mad, and to even hint at a possible change of nature with anyone so insane may as well be signing up for your own death sentence.

Very suddenly I ceased my walking, finding myself surprised for the first time that tragic night. There was no guard posted outside the door I was treading for, a highly unusual circumstance.

The man had clearly grown paranoid in his corruption, leading me to believe this was one of two possibilities: one, he didn’t like having a guard outside his bedroom door all night due to mistrust, or two, he was so paranoid he wanted the guard physically inside his chamber to protect him. However, if we are being perfectly honest, I truly believed he would never trust anyone so much.

Reaching for the handle of the door, heard pounding, I quietly entered the bed chamber.

***

Click, clack, snicker snack!

Our swords waved to-and-fro, gracefully connecting and disconnecting. We had been at this for hours now, practicing to eventually perfect our sword finesse. Zoran wore a determined frown, and my shaggy blonde hair was matted to my forehead.

Clank.

Zoran’s sword fell to the ground, and for the next moments he stared at it in disappointment before glancing back over to me with a sheepish smile.

“Excellent job, little brother! You’re improving!” I said excitedly. We were just young teenagers but we could most certainly fight like men.

Zoran stooped to pick up his sword with a quiet chortle. “Sometimes I think you’re just saying that to make me feel better, but I guess I am improving,” he said, then looked about the courtyard thoughtfully. “I’m glad you’re the older one, Tyren. I don’t think I could ever succeed our Father as King.”

With a soft frown I placed my hand on his shoulder. “If I had the choice I wouldn’t want to either. But if you were to be King one day I’m sure you’d make a fine one. Just never, ever let power get to your head.”

“I don’t even know what I would do with so much power… I don’t think I could handle it,” he expressed. There was a sort of sad knowing in his eyes.

With a shake of my head I pulled my brother in for a hug. “Just hold on to your good heart and you’ll never need to worry about such things, even if you ended up in Father’s position. Don’t ever forget who you are.”

Zoran hugged me back, and through a cracked voice he spoke the single word, “Okay…”

***

That is how I liked to remember my dear brother. The kind-hearted and sensitive soul he used to be. That strong brotherly bond we used to have. He had taken a slow turn for the worst though, and part of me truly believed it was my fault. Maybe I had let him down when I ignored my Father’s threats.

Whether or not it was my fault, I did try to help and guide him in the early stages. I tried to bring my little brother back. His delve into darkness only continued and his corruption only deepened. He has had homes burned down, hundreds of innocent townsfolk executed, and ordered his own brother’s family to be slaughtered in cold blood. Hell, he has even had children hung at the gallows.

It was only going to get worse. Not only were the townsfolk living in fear, not only was my family killed, I knew Zoran — the real Zoran — was gone.

This man who wore his crown was not my little brother anymore. The only part of him that was left was his face, and those big green eyes.

I was holding my dagger above my head, aimed for his heart, when I realized I was crying. I loved Zoran, and I knew this man wasn’t him anymore but his face still held that innocence. My heart ached, my gut had tied itself into a thousand knots. Then, just as I was about to bring the dagger down, he opened his eyes.

For a long and terrible moment we stared at each other, so soundless that the both of us had even stopped breathing.

“Do it,” he suddenly said, and for just a moment, one fleeting fraction of a second, that old earnest look he used to have in his expression was there.

My heart dropped. “What have you done?” I choked out.

“Too much, and you and I both know I’m only going to get worse. Just do it,” he answered with a cold and matter-of-fact tone. “I can’t and won’t change.”

For the next few seconds I could only stand there sobbing. It wasn’t even his voice anymore. Why was this still so hard?

“I love you, big brother,” he said in a sort of vacant voice.

“I love you too,” I spoke between sobs.

“Perhaps we will meet again in the afterlife, you and I. But for now, farewell.” He reached up for one of my arms, but only in hopes of holding my hand in his final moments. I clasped it tightly.

“Farewell, my brother,” I choked out, and he closed his eyes. After moments of hesitation I brought the dagger down to pierce his heart.

***

I had cried for hours upon hours until I ended up falling asleep on the floor beside Zoran’s bed. I was awoken in the morning and taken away by the guards, promptly thrown into a cell. They told me that I am to be executed the next morning at dawn. It was all to be expected, and quite frankly I welcomed it.

I no longer had anything left to live for, anyways.

The End.