A First Kiss

I can't believe what I'm seeing.

No more than twenty minutes after my first kiss, and I'm already second best again.

It was almost like a dream, the dock, the lights from the cabins only competing with the stars and their reflection on the lake. It was the kind of soft summer night that you dream about in the dead of winter, the kind that makes life move as slow and sweet as syrup, until you realize it's over.

I stood out there, my toes dipped into the cool water, my dress just barely skimming the surface of it.

I felt romantic and lonely; just as am, young and full of ideals, and little reality.

This moment ends-excitedly, thrillingly- by the sound of footsteps, and the undulation of the dock in time with them.

I was still looking up at the stars as he sat next to me, his hand resting just close enough to mine I could imagine the heat coming from it.

"Didn't like the party?"

"Just wanted to see the sky."

I hadn't thought he would follow me; I didn't even think he saw me slip behind the group and out the door. The party was nearing its peak, thats exactly when I usually slip out.

"Is it different than usual?"

I let out a tiny sigh of a laugh, I didn't want to overdo it.

"Not really, but somehow it still hasnt lost it's appeal."

"Yeah, I guess it doesn't change much."

I let my head fall back slightly, the ends of my braid brushed the boards of the dock. I was looking at the stars that never change, and I could tell he was looking at me.

How romantic, I thought, like a scene in a book or one of those movies when a girl falls in love.

Thats what it felt like anyways, like a movie, like it wasn't real.

I felt a tug on my hair, I lifted my head and turned. He was alot closer now, I could see the blues of his eyes through his curtain of eyelashes, could smell the beer on his breath.

He was so close and I still felt like I was watching myself from somewhere far away.

He kissed me, and it wasn't like I was expecting. It was better and worse, and I couldn't tell if I was doing it right.

My heart beat fast, and my mind was swimming. Thoughts reeled through my mind too fast for me to catch up to any of them. I was thinking about his lips on mine, and his breath in my ears. And I thought about almost everything else, he didn't consume me like I imagined. Like I read in books.

And then I notcied that his hand was in my hair. And that I was lowering myself onto my back, because leaning on my hands was hurting now.

And he was almost on top of me, almost something was happening. And it was too fast, but I couldn't stop it, I was shaking.

Was I sure? Did I want it to stop?

But I could feel him pushing. It was nice to feel wanted.

I couldn't tell the stars from their relections on the lake, the world felt twisted, and it would be perfect confusion if it wasn't... him.

But we heard feet on the dock, I could feel it bounce up and down with the weight of the approaching voices. Giggles and shrieks.

He pulled up, slowly, and looked over me at them.

I sat up quickly, and looked away from him towards the oncoming people, my mouth already forming the words.

And I could feel him staring as they talked, as they invited me to dip into stars.

And I didn't once look his way, not as I took off my dress, untied my braid, and dove into the lake. Not until I was sure he was walking down the long row of planks to the shore did I turn around.

And suddenly the night was almost over. I only went back to find a blue sweater I had left behind and instead found him wrapped around it, with someone else inside.

And I'm mad because I didn't even want him, I didn't, but he kissed me, and nobody ever has. Nobody has ever seemed to want me like that, and that was nice.

I left. And it still hurt a bit, but I guess I didn't want to throw a chair at him or key his car, so it wasn't that bad.

And I probably made the right choice, before something else happened and made it worse for myself.

Probably there will be someone else.

Probably.