8.4%

‘All around me are familiar faces.

Worn-out places, worn-out faces. ‘

Gazing out the window, my face presses against the clear pane, I am excited waiting for father to pick me up from school, I want to show him the picture I drew. Suddenly I’m puzzled by the aged hands that are resting upon the window. The room spins, as I realize the man I am looking for is long gone.

These hands.

I find myself staring at a room full of wrinkled strangers, most with blank looking faces.

Lost in the dark, I am confused and frightened by the emptiness that surrounds me. With no concept of time or reality, waiting for the day to be found. I feel the present eludes me, while living in these moments of past realities, there is an invisible barrier holding me here, stopping me from vanishing completely.

‘Bright and early for their daily races

Going nowhere, going nowhere.’

For now, I remain here, battling the urge not to panic while trying to ignore the voices telling me that I am unwanted, forgotten, abandoned, alone. I would scream in defiance, but their cries frighten me. Peering through a bleak fog, lost in shadowed memories. Waiting for a precious ray of light to guide me back. A light, sparkly and bright.

‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday dear….’

A cake all lit up, loving smiling faces singing to me, sharing in the joy. Giddy with excitement, I do not fully know what is happening, but love it. It’s my birthday. I place a piece of cake in my mouth, but it is bitter and chalky. Blinking my eyes, a lady stands before me forcing me to drink water while I swallow these pills.

I am…

My life was one of pastel colors and harmonious music, a whimsical foundation, held firm with imagination. There were good times when I was young, free, and able to absorb everything offered. Exploring the world, flying to the moon on the backs of dragons and exploring the deepest depths of the ocean in the belly of a whale. I was as curious as the endless stars above. Why am I now frightened ....I should have stayed among the stars, but sometimes life has a different path. I believed in the fantastic, I dreamt that impossible possibilities were attainable. Now I am trapped in a nightmare, struggling to wake up.

‘Itsy bitsy spider crawls up the waterspout,

down comes the rain and washes spider out.’

Like that spider I struggled upward my entire life, only to be washed away like an insignificant bug. Forced to say farewell to innocence and reality. I should be somewhere, not here, floating in an unknown universe of chaos. At times flashes of clarity briefly return and I am restored, I know where I am.

I awake once more and find myself staring at a women with a tiny child in her arms, talking to an elderly women who stares vacantly outward. The child is screaming.

Inside I begin to cry and scream like a child...like a baby. Another cry calls out to me, I see her, tiny little fingers beckon to me, she needs to be fed, I go to pick her up and hold her in my arms. Shhh little one, mommy is here.

I rock back and forth humming a tune and watch as a delicate butterfly, caught in the breeze, floats in a random fashion, flying free. It’s bright colors catch the sun with each flutter. Such a wonderful symbol of endurance, change and hope….I’m not sure how I know this.

‘Oh, with all that I've done wrong.

I must have done something right.

To deserve a hug every morning

And butterfly kisses at night.

Suddenly I am overwhelmed with worry, and go over every conceivable possibility to ensure everything is right. This child is my responsibility, yet I know there is no magic formula. Raising a child is mostly about guessing, hope and lots of prayer, regardless if anyone is listening or not. Our life will be full, the future bright. She is my everything. Nothing can extinguish this fire burning inside. Nothing….

'Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall. ‘

'And .......down ..........will ............ come ..................baby ......................cradle, and all.'

No parent should outlive their child, nothing could have prepared me for that.

I try to find rational thought but can not find any. In truth I am crumbling, my stable program shorting out, electric currents bombarding me until I shut down. I exist in darkness, floating in a cloud of doubt and paranoia. In this I failed. Becoming no more than an existential wanderer trying to fathom this despair that is thrust upon me.

Why is it so dark? Please find me.

I instinctively massage the emptiness within my belly. This isn’t real, I ‘m …. forever lost. My world is scrambled, full of disjointed memories.

I find myself floating in a mist of despair. Until I see light breaking through the fog. I finally accept the pain and discover a new understanding of life. The process is painful, but slowly …

‘I can see clearly now the rain is gone I can see all obstacles in my way.

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.

It's gonna be a bright, (bright) sunshiny day.

Oh, yes, I can make it now the pain is gone.’

I call out her name, there is only silence.

I moved on didn’t I?

There is warmth upon my face, a brilliance of sunlight radiates through the window. Gazing out I watch people strolling by. I smile, while waiting for father to take me home. Maybe we will stop for an ice cream. Mom says it ruins my appetite, but daddy always lets me have a small one. I’m daddy’s little girl.

I want to go home.

‘Used to wrap my hands around his little finger.

Turns out he was wrapped around mine

He said, "You can be anything you want to in this great big world.”

But I'm always gonna be daddy's little girl.’

I am startled by a reflection of an old women staring back at me and find myself back in the same room with all these intruders.

I know I exist, I have too. The mystery is, where? I remember details from years ago but cannot remember what was for breakfast. It is the unknown faces speaking, that frighten me the most. They are no more than pictures on a wall, strangers in a room. The truth lays out of my reach. I hear a voice calling for me, pleading for help.

‘Hello? .... Hello? .... Hello?

Is there anybody in there?

Just nod if you can hear me.

Is there anyone home?’

I am entombed within an empty cavern haunted by echoing cries of insanity. I am unable to answer, for I am lost.

And fear that I may never be found.

‘I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

When people run in circles, it's a very, very.

Mad world.

Mad world. ’

*********************************

I watch as these faceless people stare at me, the ones who bring me pills to quiet my voice, Should I know them?

The nurse in training whispers to the caregiver. “What’s her story?”

“I’m told she was brilliant, but now her mind is...”

“Lost.”

********************************************************************

Thank you,

* 8.4% of Canadians over 65 have dementia.

Currently more than 55 million people worldwide are known to suffer from this disease, and the numbers are rising.

- W.H.O

Acknowledgment To:

Mad world - written by Michael Andrews (Tears for Fears)

Happy birthday - Written by Patty and Mildred Hill

‘Itsy bitsy spider- Written by Mike and Peggy Seeger's

‘He loves me, he loves me not- Written by Unknown (French origins)

Pop! goes the weasel- Written by James Patterson

'How do I love thee- Written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Butterfly Kisses - Written by Bob Carlisle

You are my sunshine- Written by Jimmie Davis and Charles Mitchell

'Rock-a-bye baby- Nursery rhyme written by Effie Crockett

I can see clearly now- Song by Jimmy Cliff

Daddy's Little girl - Written by Al Martino ( Reccomend ‘The Shires‘ Version)

Comfortably Numb- written by Roger Waters (Pink Floyd)

I’ll admit, I went a little rogue with this one. Trying something different, conveying a lost mind made me almost lose mine.

Cheers.