109 An Outrageously Slow News Day

On April 18, 1930, BBC News reported there was nothing to report. "There is no news," the announcer said. Piano music played for the remaining newscast.

Herein was invented "BREAKING NEWS," the 24/7 model of today's "what-you-need-to-know" motif. Consider that--like that piano performance--today's news is just entertainment, but punctuated by outrage.

With makeup expertly applied, Botox in effect, and hair coiffed just so, the two news anchors assume their positions at the top of the hour, vying for who would actually be on top (at the top of the hour).

"Welcome to ONN, the Outraged News Network," announces Jo, the anchorwoman. "I'm Jo Redundo."

"And I'm Guy de Trop," adds the anchorman, like Ms. Redundo--with a smile.

"And here's the news," begins Jo. "Today, outrage over retaliatory attacks by Iran on Israel that saw hundreds of drones and missiles launched."

"This is an outrage," the clip of the Israeli diplomat to the UN sounded.

"I, for one, am outraged," segues the clip from President Biden.

"Speaker of the House," continues Ms. Redundo, " expressed his outrage over this obvious escalation in the conflict, following outrage still being felt over the October 7th attack. This followed outrage over the Speaker of the House, himself."

"That's right, Jo," adds Mr. de Trop. "And here at home, outrage from Arab communities continues."

"Even as outrage continues over Kanye West's remarks on this."

"Meanwhile, from Taylor Swift, the disconnect between our border and Ukraine strikes her as outrageous. And wait 'til you hear how she sings about it!"

"Only here," gleams Ms. Redundo.

"I find the border outrageous," chimes the Madonna soundbite.

"Madonna who, Jo?" as Mr. de Trop's camera hones in. "Speaking of Madonna, the Association of People Conceived by Rape or Incest has filed a suit against the latest ban on abortion that allows it in cases of--"

"Rape and incest, Guy?" Ms. Redundo finished.

"Their statement reads, in part, 'We are outraged over these exceptions.'"

"Doesn't apply to me," Ms. Redundo adds. "I've already had my 15 minutes of outrage."

"Everyone has," Mr. de Trop concludes. "And that's entertainment today, April 18."

"Stay tuned for Entertainment Tonight, transitioning smoothly and imperceptibly--now! But first..."

[CUE UP PIANO MUSIC]

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THIS SUBMISSION

For Thursday, April 18, Day 109 of the Story-a-Day Challenge. Now well into triple digits!

366 WORDS

All pictures are AI-generated, but the breaking news is not!

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• L.C. Schäfer, challenge originator
• Rachel Deeming
• Gerard DiLeo (myself)

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