Your Mother

Dear kids

Hope this is a fun read, not trying to part any wisdom or explain myself. This certainly is not written out of sadness as I’ve never been more at peace. – Hell I’m good! You?

Kids I’m writing this for you guys so that you can understand your Mom better and maybe understand why you are who you are.

I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable so if it gets to awkward for you stop reading it. No pressure.

Here are some titles I though about but couldn’t make up my mind so I thought it might be funny to let you guys decide on one of your own or pick one of mine.

Mom’s suggested titles – but don’t choice till you’re done.

No Regrets – ok maybe a few

Finding me

Journey from Little Heart’s Ease

Feeling comfortable in my own skin

Made it

Found a new me

Wow .. crazy ride.. what’s next?

Pardon me while I lose my shit.. I will be back.

Yup said too much – duck!

Now I’m naked

No blame

WIP

I own it

No fcks left to give

Ok I’m ready to talk

Tears are ok

Mom needs to get out of the house

So here goes!!!!

Born in Come By Chance Hospital, lived in Little Hearts Ease and Caplin Cove till I was almost 5. Little memories but not a lot. Remember being too cold lol.

Came to Toronto on a plane at night. Crazy as I had never been out of my small town and had never seen so many people in one place or so many lights, we didn’t have street lights when I was young so flying into Toronto at night with so many lights was so mind blowing.

First day of school learnt my first name was Estelle – hell – who the hell forgot to tell me that.. so upset Mom had to take me home.

Struggled in school for the first several years, I talked funny and so crazy shy, they put in extra class to learn english.. funny I know.

Mom’s youngest sister came to Toronto when I was going into grade 4 and she was last of Big Nan’s kids at home. Pop worked on boats and was away 2 weeks of the month. Big Nan was afraid to be alone so Mom sent me back to Newfoundland to live with her. Not sure but I think I was also sent because I wasn’t doing well in Toronto, sad and Mom had Randy and she was having hard time coping with new way of life and a new baby. This part not sure about really never got straight answer. OMG I loved it. I hated Toronto and all the fancy speaking freaks. I was a peace by the ocean and living with Nan and Pop who adored me and spoiled me. They were fun loving people who knew how to love hard and make me feel I belonged. Don’t get me wrong it was hard, no indoor plumbing, out house, carried water in buckets in winter to heat on stove for washing. Only woodstove in house for heat, slept with hot rocks to keep warm. Up hill to school both ways – ok that’s not true. But it was a long walk in the winter. Nan use to put javex on my hood strings so I wouldn’t put them in my mouth in the cold so my lips wouldn’t stick. It worked!

Ok so 2 years went by and Mom and Dad decided they didn’t want to be in Toronto and decided to move back to the rock.... I was excited. My great grandparents had passed away and their house was besides Nan’s so they upgraded the house and we moved in. Well they did, I wanted to stay with Nan. I might of slept there a couple of nights. The house was old and spooky and I was use to sleeping with Nan and not by myself.

Ok so Mom and Dad didn’t stay more than a year, Dad couldn’t find work so back to Toronto we came – yup they made me come too!

I hated school because I wasn’t like everyone else and kids bullied different kids, same as today. I had few friends but they were good friends. My best friend moved to Italy when I went into grade 9 and my boyfriend Kenny was sent to a different high school – not sure why.

High school was scary didn’t know anybody and had no self confidence. Met good group of friends.. all boys, had my first love,– wow loved him so much. He was a great guy – but a guy. He wanted more physically than I was comfortable with so we part ways. I smoked too much weed and missed lots of classes so I got kicked out in grade 11 by vice principle Mr. Killer – yup that was his name.

Took a factory job and met my first husband. He was a lost soul like me. He loved me. I loved him but wasn’t in love. He had emotional scares from being adopted and wasn’t a strong person. When I couldn’t give him the love he needed he turned to my friend. She taught him how to be mean. She is on my list of people I hate – tired to forgive her but not managed to. She hurt my kid and well I can’t get by that.

Factory laid me off – thank god. His mom worked for Bell and told me to apply. Landed it! 17 years old, high school drop out and I’m working for Bell freaking Canada. I had a new purpose – I wanted to know everything so I did really well, Many promotions and landed in management. I like new stuff so computers were the craze and I jumped in. Great experience and kept me focused and eager to absorb knowledge.

Met second husband– wow he was my big love, married him. He is a good man and wow I had so much fun. He loved my boy and gave him fatherly love.

Well physical and mental issues plagued both of us and we just couldn’t get tho it together. We parted friends and I wish him well.

Enter husband 3– OMG he was obsessed with me. Chased me for long time before I let him in. Bold, controlling, but he loved me and I loved him eventually. My girl came along and wow 36 with new baby who would not shut up .. lots of drives and walking around the coffee table. So forgot to mention he had a drinking problem but I thought if I could love him enough he would stop. Addiction is a complicated thing, don’t totally understand it and I failed to help him. I fell out of love, couldn’t cope and ran away.

Competition hit the phone companies and Bell brought in consultants and they trimmed staff to prepare – my department was cut – not personal just business decision.

Love 4– yup too young, he needed me and I needed him. He was a broken sole, bullied in high school and his family broke up. We clung to each other and shared a beautiful relationship. He needed to spread his wings and grow so we parted... omg I wish him well.

SG – Worked for him to get a business started, fun interesting work but he was a bully and sucked the life out of me. When I wouldn’t take it anymore he fired me. – Yup hate him. He was mean spirited for reasons I could not justified.

Ok so not I’m a debit collector for a company that doesn’t value employees and people we have to deal with are so overwhelmed with life that they need to be abusive to get tho the day. 4 years... don’t know how I did it. But lived to smile about it. I sure am nice to people call me about late bills.

Now I’m at Drug Store – I like it! They appreciate me and I feel useful.

Ok so I forgot to mention NW. He is in love with me, but I love him as a friend. He is loyal but can also be a bully, very opinionated. When he doesn’t like what i’m doing he can be mean when he’s drinking. We will probably be friends forever. We understand each other.

PG – amazing man. Wow he knows how to be a good friend and not take advantage of others. I hope to keep him in my life till the end. You never have to worry about him, he is kind and would never hurt me.

Random thoughts...

Thank you to my girls first love for loving and caring for her when she really needed it. Hope to get to know her next love better soon.

To my boys wife - you keep him on his toes - love each other.