Your Identity Redefined Through Death

When you have all your relatives, parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles alive and well, your identity remains fixed, whether you are aware of this fact or not. The idea of a shifting identity first occurred to me the day my little brother died. I remember a very dramatic statement made in a “The Faults in Our stars” where a mother was watching her child die and proclaimed “I’m not going to be a mom anymore” or something to that effect. I thought it was heartbreaking but ultimately unrealistic. Then I realized something. We as a society tend to talk about the deceased in terms of the past tense. “He was a wonderful person,” “She had such a wonderful spirit,” “No one knew passion like Elliott did.” So in reality what we are essentially saying is that the person no longer exists.

Various quotes reiterate this, “Grief is just love with no where to go” as if the person can no longer feel the love and therefore it just trickles into no-where. My brother, seven years younger than me died and suddenly he became the past. He was the bravest person I have ever known. I have said that too many times to count but the reality is, I too was talking about him in the past. Which begged the question at that point, who was I now? I was the middle child in a family of three children. Now I am a youngest child in a family of two children. My parents died almost six years later. Both of them. Four months apart. Am I no longer a daughter now? We have terms to describe a person who has lost their spouse; a widower but we have no terms to describe someone who has lost all but one remaining member of their immediate family. So adjusting to grief is not only about living life without your loved ones, it is also about figuring out your new identity. You are changed. You will never be the same. Knowing that though, who are you now?

The reality is that this question doesn’t have a simple answer. In some ways, I thought I must recognize that they are the same person just with a different set of values that they experience. I wanted this to be the case but the reality is that I am not the same person. You are never the same person after you experience certain things in life but this doesn’t just apply to death it applies to every situation that you grow from and learn from. I have a new sense and awareness of my own mortality. I have a new fear of losing the people around me because I am aware of their mortality but I still have my core. My true self and that has not changed.

I find that I am still a sister, but the loss has made me a better sister. The death of my parents has made me a better daughter. I cherish the time I had with all of them much more than I ever did when I didn’t realize it could end. I try to be a more caring and compassionate friend but I don’t have time to cater to peoples needs that do not fit my values. I have more appreciation for my life and those around me and I never take it for granted.

There is the notion that a person is hardened after they experience a loss but I disagree. It is not that a person is hardened it is that they realize that time is finite and life is precious. I crave real life filled with passion and laughter and if I cry I want it to be because of love not because of petty things that used t seem so huge to me before. Life is short, if you are not here to smile with me it will not make my smile fade it will simply mean that my circles get smaller. Those small circles have meaning to me now. I am more willing to face my fears and look at life as “a daring adventure or nothing at all.”

This is what happened to me but it might be different for others. So now embracing this new me the one thing I can offer as advice would be to accept not expect. Don’t assume you know the outcome because life has a way of throwing curveballs. Roll with the punches, chase your dreams and don’t judge yourself. Judgement is a waste of time. Grow, learn, laugh, love and be willing to change but love all the versions of yourself and never regret any of them. You wouldn’t be where you are today if you came from judgement.