Your Adult Child Has Excessive Fear of Failure

Your adult child is struggling. Stays in a dead end job because they are so afraid of failure. Is that really a thing?

Yes, according to this Psychology Today article.

“Some adult children may fear failure to such an extent that they avoid taking risks or making decisions altogether. This fear can be paralyzing and prevent them from facing the realities of adult life.”

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein adds that some adult kids are so dependent on their parents financially that they refuse to let go.

He says, “They might resist taking on responsibilities and making necessary life decisions because they rely on others to meet their needs.”

How to Motivate Your Adult Child

In this Reddit thread, an exhausted mother of a 26 year old son says she is at her wits end.

Her son never holds on to a job very long and spends months unemployed. I like this Redditor’s response:

“My cousin stayed with my Grandma and we experienced some of these issues. My Dad quickly changed the WiFi password. No job no internet access. He could go to the library for access. Also if you pay for his cell. I would turn it off and instruct him to go get a contract and pay for his own cell service. You have to make it increasingly uncomfortable so that he will choose to work and move out. Also if my grandma asked my cousin to do things and he failed to do so, my Dad would change the WiFi password again. Internet home access was a highly motivating tool.”

Another person commented that the OP should charge her son rent. Even if she doesn’t want use the money for herself, that is OK. The mom can save it for him, and give it to her son in a lump sum once he is ready to move out on his own.

Our young adult son lives in our guest house. But the difference is, he has a good job and has excelled at it for more than five years so far. We don’t charge him rent, but if the situation were to ever change and he lost his job and refused to look for another, that would change.

Although, he loves his job, and works hard at it. Losing it would be devastating for him and he would do everything he could to find another. For our son, holding down a good job and moving ahead in his career is vital for his self esteem.

And that may be where the OP’s son is lacking. She suggested that possibly he has mental health issues. I am inclined to agree. Human nature is to find satisfaction in work, any kind of work, as long as you feel you have accomplished something at the end of the day.

And given that her son has absolutely no motivation to do that makes me think something is wrong.

Should You Step in if Your Adult Child is Wasting His/Her Potential?

Say your daughter works as a Barista even though she has a Master’s degree. Do you push her to find a more challenging position? Or should you remain satisfied that she is working and seems to really like her job?

Most psychologists agree you should remain supportive, not enabling. I take that too mean, offer your help but don’t force them.

I would not say, “We paid for your Masters degree and now you are not even using it!”

Because then you are making your adult child feel guilty. It is wonderful that you paid for his/her education, but there should be no strings attached.

If your daughter is happy as a Barista and able to support herself, I wouldn’t complain. You could offer suggestions to utilize her degree on the side which could pave the way into more of a full time position.

But if she revolts, back off completely. Remember ultimately it is their life, not yours.