Wu Zhihong: to force a child to be obedient is to give him poison

-- write in front

It is a big mistake to let a child be frustrated all day before the age of 6.

I have always been concerned about family problems in China. In my opinion, the basic problem of education lies in motivation and pressure.

In the past, I was an otaku writer, closed in my own world all day, constantly thinking about all kinds of problems. Now, I am starting a business, recruitment hours found a phenomenon: it is very difficult to recruit enthusiastic employees, especially for people over 40 years old, time training does not seem to be a blessing, only grow up in age, ability and personality do not grow.

What is enthusiasm? generally speaking, enthusiasm is vitality. Aggressiveness is a core topic in psychoanalytic theory. Every child is born with a very primitive aggressiveness, constantly colliding with the world, with a difficult temperament.

It can be said that vitality is the aggression of being humanized. There is a book called flow. If a person is particularly successful in a certain area, he will experience the feeling of flow, that is, vitality is flowing, aggression is flowing, and enthusiasm is flowing.

With regard to motivation, psychoanalysis has a saying called psychodynamics. Its main idea is that, as a living body, anything you naturally want to do is called motivation. For example, I want to eat something at noon today, give birth to a desire, this is motivation, if it is realized, this motivation will be "alive"; if not realized, this motivation will "die".

When it comes to education, it is a big mistake to defeat a child all day long before he is 6 years old.

Many parents believe that training their children's ability to withstand setbacks and procrastinating to meet their children's needs is a kind of "delayed gratification". In fact, children need to acquire a basic feeling, a sense of proving that their motivation can be achieved. When he gets this feeling, the "life and death" of general motivation can be put down and he can be free, which is a very important thing.

Why is it that the more you rush, the slower the child?

After talking about motivation, let's talk about stress. What is the relationship between the two sides? if I want to do something, it is my will that drives my behavior, which is called motivation; what drives me is not my will, but your will, which is called pressure.

Life is to be a better self, not to be a better self.

Because, yourself, you are the best.

Think about how you live your life, whether you can truly live the life you want to live, and make the choices you want to make.

Then think about the people around you, your friends, your parents, your children, how many people are always full of enthusiasm, with a dedication, do what they want to do. I believe such people are rare. Often, it is your will that drives me, which is called stress.

As a result, I think of an example of one of my visitors: he casually took the first place in the city in the junior high school entrance examination in primary school, and he could get a full score in the test, but he achieved nothing in his life.

He especially wants to live efficiently. For example, when he has arranged the time of the week, he can do it. He really feels like an efficient person. At this time, he feels great, but he is really a serious procrastinator. He procrastinates everything, so he is very annoyed and does nothing until he is in his 40s.

Later, with the progress of the consultation, he gradually understood his procrastination more and more deeply, because it was only the pressure that drove him, and his parents, especially his mother, had very serious behavior of forcing their children to eat, drink, sleep, play, and learn all kinds of things. Mother has a strong desire to teach you, force you, and follow her.

For example, when eating, her mother will certainly use her own way to let her child eat, how to arrange the bowl, how much you eat, how to use, how to use chopsticks, how to use spoons, his mother has to take care of every place. And the mother who forced him was so persistent and successful that the child's self was actually erased to a certain extent, not the child's self playing a role, but the image of the mother.

So if he is very efficient and successful, it means that his mother has fully realized her will through him. He resisted the matter, so he had countless procrastination. Efficiency means that my mother successfully controlled him, while procrastination means that I am playing a role, which is a basic truth.

If you see a child who is always slow, there is usually a person around him who keeps saying to him, "come on, come on." Why the more you urge the child, the more slowly the child expresses contempt, resistance, and "I'm in charge of my life, why should I listen to you?"

One of my visitors said that if his child follows his grandmother, he will become introverted and sick; if the child follows his grandmother, he will become outgoing, cheerful and lively.

Let's take a look at the interaction between the child and the two old people. Similarly, in the matter of eating, the child is unwilling to eat or eat slowly. Grandma will urge, yell, or even pick up a spoon and feed it rudely. Grandma tries to use various ways to be gentle and humorous, to amuse the children and to achieve the goal of eating.

To make a child obedient is to give him poison.

Everyone wants to try according to their own feelings and do what they want to do. In my opinion, the basic driving force of human nature is that everyone wants to live their own life according to their own wishes.

This relationship exists not only between adults and children, but also between adults and adults. each person exerts soft and hard pressure on the other in a variety of ways, just so that you will do as I do, and you will listen to me.

There are two sets of rules in interpersonal relations: one is the rules of power, and you have to listen to me and follow my requirements; the other is to cherish the rules. I love you so much, you are just the way you are, and I can't bear to force you. Because I love you so much.

Unfortunately, there are very few rules for Chinese families to cherish. What we feel is that your appearance is wrong, you can't live according to your appearance, you have to listen to me or others, listen to society, and be what others expect. Therefore, we no longer know what we are like, we are all so-called being ourselves.

Why do children become introverted and why do they get sick? because introversion is a kind of closure. If grandma and grandma are aggressive and force their will into the child's world, the child will have a feeling that if you give me a bowl of poison, you may become introverted and keep the "poison" out in an introverted and closed way. psychoanalysis has a word called "detoxification."

Why is our child not as energetic and jubilant as a child, and the older the child is, the less energetic he is, because the vitality of the child has been slowly and little by little strangled when he is young. Who strangled? yes, the biological parents who have been saying "I love their children" all the time.

We know that the personality of Easterners is introverted, while Westerners are relatively enthusiastic and unrestrained. can we make a basic thinking about whether there is too much "coercion" in our society, and we have to counter pressure through introverted ways.

Our parents are so concerned about their children not to lose at the starting line, but if their children are subjected to all kinds of persecution from birth, they are actually forcing their children to lose at the starting line.

The basic problem with education is to only put pressure on children.

I grew up in rural Hebei, and my family should be one of the poorest families in the village. However, I have never been beaten or scolded. I want 10 yuan in pocket money, and my parents will give me 12 yuan or 15 yuan. I have made sever