Worst Day of My Life

October 27th, 2012 was the fifth day back at work for me after having recovered from having an appendectomy and 2 hernias removed. Some things at work got messed up on my shift so I ended up having to stay over longer than normal. In all I worked around 14 hours that day. At the time I was living in an apartment with my Mom to help take care of her because she had been ill for some time. I got to our apartment around midnight on that day and was completely exhausted so I went straight to bed. My nieces and nephew were staying the night there with us. Around 4:00am my oldest niece came in my room to wake me to tell me that my Mom had tried to get up out of the recliner to go to the restroom and had fallen and couldn't get back up. I got up and went in the living room to help her get to the restroom and back to her chair. Something seemed off about the way she was acting. I asked her if she was feeling ok and if she wanted me to take her to the hospital. She looked at me and smiled and said "I'm fine baby. You've had a long day at work so go get some rest." Honestly I was so exhausted I didn't argue with her and went back to sleep. Around 8:00am that morning my niece came to wake me up again. Her voice was panicked and she was crying. I'll never forget her words that morning, she said "Uncle B. Jay please come help. Nana has her eyes open but she isn't moving and I don't think she's breathing!" I ran into the living room to see my Mom curled up in her recliner, eyes open but her body was motionless. I went over to her and shook her but got no response. I checked her for a pulse but couldn't find one. My niece called 911 as I was doing CPR. It seemed like forever that I was trying to bring her back until the police and ambulance arrived. The officer was in the apartment before the paramedics and pulled me away from my Mom. Then the EMT's came in and just looked at her. The lady EMT looked at me and the officer and said "I'm sorry but she's gone." I took my nieces and nephew into the kitchen away from her body. They were all just crying and clinging to me. A few minutes later I had to make the hardest phone calls I've ever had to make. First I called my Dad and told him. Then I had to call my two sisters. It was all I could do to get the words out. The rest of that day as well as the next few days it seemed as though my body and mind were running on autopilot. I don't recall hardly anything that happened in that time. The biggest regret of my life has been not making her go to the hospital that night. Everything may have turned out exactly the same, but that is something I will never know and never forgive myself for. I know that none of my family blames me but I hate myself everyday for it. Now I'm just trying to live my life in a way that I know will make my Mom proud of me.