Worn Out Pages

I was sitting in my apartment on the kitchen floor staring at a stack of overdue bills. I grabbed my notebook and turned to the next blank page. I scribbled Debt at the top followed by:

Therapy: $160

Medical Bills: $5,420

Still owe Mia $3005 for trip.

New tires: $800

Total: $9385

I flipped to the first page and read through all of the things I had been trying to save for. Trip to London, new couch, laptop...I never made it more than a few hundred dollars before something came up and I ended up worse than where I started. Why was it so hard? I put the notebook and stack of bills into my bag and left for work.

That night when I got home, I poured a glass of wine and sat down on the couch that had to have been fashioned out of cardboard and sharp plastic. I maneuvered the pillows around until I was almost comfortable and turned on the TV. I couldn't afford cable so I just watched DVD's of Charmed over and over until I could practically recite every word of the script. I pulled out my phone and started scanning through emails. I had a notification that I received a message on Facebook from a cousin I hadn't spoken to in years. I started scrolling through his profile. Ben! Where was he now? Texas, maybe? I wonder if he's coming back to visit anytime soon. His wife is so pretty. OMG they had a baby! I clicked on the message bubble and started to write back:

Ben: Cora! Long time no chat. How are you?

Me: Ben! It is so great to hear from you. Your baby is SO cute- congrats!

Ben: Thank you. He's pretty incredible. Not sure how I got so lucky.

Me: Will you be back anytime soon? I'd love to catch up and grab a beer!

Ben: That's actually why I was writing. Do you remember Aunt Margaret? She died recently and since she didn't have any kids, she ended up putting me as her power of attorney. Apparently being the only lawyer in the family gets you all the fun jobs.

Me: Oh wow, I had no idea. My dad didn't mention it but he's been so preoccupied lately.

Ben: I bet. I'm so sorry, again, about your mom. I should have called when we couldn't come instead of just sending cowardly flowers.

Me: It was a plant and it was beautiful. I understand. You have your own family now and it's a long trip.

Ben: Either way, I'm sorry. I hope you're taking care of yourself.

Ben: So I'll be coming up on Friday to go through all of Aunt Marg's paperwork and see what state the house is in. Could you meet me half way and we could grab a bite?

Me: Sure- I have Friday off so just let me know what time works. I can't imagine she had much stuff- wasn't she the queen of minimalism? I always questioned if she even owned a second pair of shoes.

Ben: Ha! Yea she was a little quirky that way. I think she donated nearly everything she had before she passed but apparently there are still a few things in the house we need to go through before it gets donated to the church.

Me: That's great. Maybe she hid a wad of cash in the freezer - you'd share the wealth a little, right?! I'm drowning over here. ;)

Ben: I'll see what I can do. See you Friday!

Me: See you Friday

I closed out the chat and took a long drink from my glass. Aunt Margaret was always such an anomaly to me. She was my mom's step-sister and though she was around as long as I can remember, she always seemed like an outsider. She was kind and pleasant but never really showed her cards. She didn't marry or have kids, always worked boring office jobs and never really seemed to have hobbies besides figuring out how to survive with 7 articles of clothing. I thanked my lucky stars I wasn't in Ben's shoes and resumed my show.

Friday rolled around and Ben texted the name of a diner about 30 minutes away and said to meet him there at 1 p.m. I made a pot of coffee and checked my bank account. $468.20. Payday. I took out my black notebook and flipped to the monthly bills section. I figured I could pay a total of $300 in bills so I closed my eyes, reached into my bag and picked two bills out of the stack. Looks like phone and electric win this month. I showered, got dressed and hopped in the car.

The diner looked rundown from the outside but the inside was like stepping straight back into 1957. I immediately started craving a burger and a milkshake and decided the splurge would be totally worth eating mac n cheese for the month. I spotted Ben in a booth in the corner. He was buried in his cell phone and didn't look up until I slid in across from him.

Me: Heyyyy there, cuz. Everything good?

Ben: Huh? Oh, hi! Cora. It's so good to see you. Sorry, it's been a crazy day and I'm trying to wrap my head around everything.

Me: All good! It's great to see you. Have you ordered? I would kill for a cheeseburger ri-

Ben: No, no I haven't ordered anything. I mean just coffee. I should probably eat. Man I'm shaking right now! This is so crazy.

He fumbled with his phone and finally set it to the side and met my eye.

Ben: Cora, I went to Aunt Marg's house this morning. It was totally empty except for a card table in the bedroom with 7 envelopes. She had written each of our names on it- all the cousins. It was a little creepy, like she knew she was never going back to that house once they took her to the hospital.

He slid an envelope across the table to me. Cora was written across the front in perfect handwriting.

Me: She left this for me? I feel like I barely knew her. Now I feel bad. Did you open yours? What was in it?

Ben: Just open it.

I slid my figure underneath the seal and gently opened the envelope. Inside was a letter.

Dearest Cora,

You probably don't remember this, but your mother was like my guardian angel. She loved me like she'd known me her whole life and made me feel so welcome in the family. Our parents weren't married for long but we never lost touch. She knew I couldn't have my own kids and didn't want me to feel alone. We talked about you a lot. She knew you would do something big one day. Your heart is special and you have many gifts to offer this world. I know you're probably lost without her. Just remember, she loved you so very much and she believed in you. You can become whatever it is you want to be. You just have to believe it yourself. The world will always try to tell you that you're not good enough. Don't listen.

I worked my whole life and my only true passion was taking care of others. I volunteered at the women's shelter and gave countless women outfits for interviews or a pair of shoes I knew I didn't need. I saved every penny I earned and when I retired, they gave me a nice retirement package. I made sure the shelter received a good amount and for the rest, I thought of you kids. I hope you'll use this money to fuel your dreams. Work hard so you can live a beautiful life, don't just work a beautiful life away.

Love and luck,

Aunt Margaret

Me: She left us money?! I literally thought she was poor as dirt.

Ben: Look at the check.

I reached in the envelope and pulled out a folded check. My hands fell to the table.

Me: Twenty thousand dollars? Are you FREAKING kidding me?! I get TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS?!

Ben: *laughing* isn't that incredible? I think each of us got a letter and a check. In mine she talked about my dad and how hard he worked to save for us kids to go to college. She wants me to start a savings account for Graham and use the rest to take Lisa on vacation. What did she say about yours?

Me: Something about my purpose in life, whatever that is. Apparently my mom always filled her in on where we were and what we were up to. I have no clue what she means though- I have never known what I wanted to do for work. I just work to get a paycheck. This will certainly help though! Where is the waitress? I'm ordering that cheeseburger.

Ben: Cora, are you serious? You don't know what your passion in life is? What about becoming a writer? You always used to carry around that dingy black notebook and scribble notes in it. I was positive you were collecting evidence to later use against us if we got in trouble.

Me: Hahaha, yea I guess I like to write but I doubt I'm any good. I still have an identical notebook but now I use it to keep track of bills and expenses. Not nearly as entertaining as the stupid stuff you guys used to get into. And you're right by the way, I was always ready to use it if necessary in a court of law.

Ben laughed and we flagged the waitress over to order lunch. I stared at the letter and the check made out to me. I was stunned. This changed everything. I could pay off my debt. I could buy a couch! London might have to wait but at least I could get ahead. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I had truly always wanted to be a writer. If I'm being honest it's the only thing I've ever loved doing.

We ate lunch and reminisced about stories from our childhood. Ben told me he was going to call the other cousins and mail their gifts from Aunt Marg once he got back to Texas.

Ben: Cora? Aunt Marg is right, you know. You just have to believe in yourself. You've always been special but the light went out when you're mom passed. I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. I promise not to wait so long before reaching out next time.

Me: Thanks, Ben. It was good to see you. Reminds me of a different version of myself I guess I didn't realize I had lost. Travel safely, okay? And give that sweet baby a hug from his cousin Cora. It's not London, but maybe I can use some of this money to come visit you guys.

Ben: We would really like that. I think you and Lisa would have a lot in common. Her mom died when she was in college and it really changed her perspective on life.

Me: Deal, I'll make it happen. See you, Ben.

I climbed back into my car and headed home. When I got to my apartment, I went into my room and pulled a box out from under the bed. It was full of black notebooks and at the very bottom, I found the first one I had owned. I opened the front cover and placed my fingers over the faded words.

To my sweet Cora girl. There is a story in you and I hope you find it in these pages. Share your gifts with the world. I love you, Mom

I turned the page and started reading. Turns out, I had already written my story. It lived in 12 worn out notebooks, but it was all there. Maybe, I really could do this.