Why So Many Intended Parents Say, “I Wish We’d Chosen Surrogacy Sooner”: A Therapist Explains

When Olympic gold medalist Tara Lipinski recently reflected on her surrogacy journey, one comment stood out above all the others.

“My biggest regret was that I didn’t choose surrogacy sooner.”

After years of infertility, failed IVF cycles, and pregnancy loss, Lipinski has spoken candidly about the fears that kept her from considering surrogacy earlier. Today, she describes surrogacy as “such a beautiful way to build a family,” not only for those experiencing infertility but also for LGBTQ+ families. She has also shared that she hopes to help dismantle the stigma surrounding surrogacy and other paths to parenthood so that other families don’t spend years questioning whether surrogacy is the right choice for them.

Looking back, Lipinski has also said that becoming a mother in her 40s brought her a profound sense of peace. Rather than focusing on how her daughter came into the world, she speaks about finally becoming the mother she always hoped to be. That shift in perspective is one I see often with intended parents. Once they’re holding their baby, many no longer measure their journey by how parenthood happened—they measure it by the family they built.

As a licensed family therapist specializing in surrogacy and familiy-building, I have seen this same realization unfold for many intended parents.

Not because every intended parent’s story looks the same.

But because I have heard some version of those same words from many intended parents sitting across from me.

“I wish we had explored surrogacy sooner.”
“I spent years being afraid of something that ultimately gave us our family.”
“If I knew then what I know now, I would have made this decision differently.”

Those conversations have taught me something important.

Often, the biggest obstacle isn’t surrogacy itself.

It’s everything we believe surrogacy means.

Fear Rarely Looks Like Fear

When people think about fear, they often imagine panic or certainty that something bad will happen.

But in my experience, fear is usually much quieter.

It often sounds like this:

“Maybe we’ll try one more IVF cycle.”
“Let’s get another opinion.”
“Maybe this next transfer will work.”
“We’re just not ready yet.”

None of these thoughts are irrational.

They’re born from hope.

Hope has carried these families through years of fertility treatments, heartbreaking phone calls, pregnancy losses, and disappointment. Letting go of one vision of how you expected your family to be built can feel incredibly painful—even when another path is waiting.

In my years supporting families, I’ve seen that the path waiting on the other side of heartbreak can initially make the pain feel even heavier. I worked with a family who had always known surrogacy might become their “Plan C.” By the time they accepted they needed that Plan C, they were emotionally exhausted from years of trying to make Plans A and B work.

Eventually, they realized that what they wanted most wasn’t a particular path to parenthood—it was becoming parents. The hardest part wasn’t embracing surrogacy. It was letting go of the future they had imagined and trusting that a different path could still lead them to the family they longed for.

Sometimes We’re Not Avoiding Surrogacy—We’re Protecting Hope

One of the most important things I’ve learned as a therapist is that people don’t delay surrogacy because they’re in despair.

They delay it because they’re hopeful.

Hope tells us that maybe one more treatment will work.

Maybe the next doctor will have different answers.

Maybe our story will unfold the way we always imagined.

Hope is powerful.

It’s also one of the reasons this decision can feel so emotionally complicated.

Choosing surrogacy doesn’t simply mean making a different medical decision.

For many intended parents, it means acknowledging that the version of parenthood they imagined may not happen exactly the way they dreamed.

That realization deserves compassion. Not judgment.

We often define ourselves by what we love and what we overcome. When those two parts of our lives intersect—as they do on the path to building a family—it can be particularly challenging to step away from the current treatment plan, especially one that took so much courage to pursue in the first place.

In those moments, many people unknowingly deny their own grief in an effort to stay focused on the dream of becoming parents. It’s one of the most human responses imaginable. Thoughts like, “When this is all over, we’ll look back and know it was worth it,” or “We’ve come this far—we can’t stop now,” become the stories we tell ourselves to keep moving forward. They are understandable expressions of hope, but they can also become the very tethers that keep us from recognizing when hope has become entangled with grief.

Perhaps that’s why Tara Lipinski’s reflection resonates with so many intended parents. Looking back is always easier than living through the uncertainty in front of you.

As therapists, we sometimes describe this as ambiguous loss—a recognized form of grief that can occur when the future you envisioned changes. It is the experience of grieving a future that was deeply imagined, hoped for, and emotionally real, even when it did not unfold the way you expected.

The loss is real, even when there is still hope ahead. Intended parents aren’t only grieving failed treatments or pregnancy losses. They’re often grieving the future they envisioned, even as they begin opening themselves to a different path toward the same dream.

Choosing Surrogacy Isn’t Giving Up

One misconception I wish more people understood is this: Choosing surrogacy isn’t giving up.

For many families, it’s actually the moment they begin allowing themselves to hope again.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy.

It asks intended parents to imagine parenthood differently than they always had.

To trust another woman with something incredibly precious.

To release expectations they’ve carried for years.

That isn’t failure.

It’s courage.

Recently, I met with a couple in their early thirties who had been trying to build their family for seven years. They had endured countless fertility treatments, and time after time they were told they were “too young to give up.” That well-intentioned but deeply damaging message kept them trapped in the same cycle for years.

Everything changed when a friend shared that she was pursuing surrogacy. For the first time, they realized they had permission to choose a different path. They weren’t afraid of surrogacy, and they weren’t afraid of changing course. They were afraid of what choosing a new path might say about all they had endured. To them, pursuing surrogacy felt like admitting defeat.

As we talked, something shifted. They realized that choosing surrogacy wasn’t giving up—it was taking back control of their family-building journey. They left our conversation with a renewed sense of purpose, understanding that while the path to parenthood looked different than they had imagined, the destination remained exactly the same.

The Weight of Stigma

One thing Tara Lipinski spoke openly about was the stigma surrounding surrogacy.

I couldn’t agree more.

Even today, intended parents often worry about questions that have very little to do with whether surrogacy is the right decision.

“Will people understand?”
“Will I really feel like the baby’s mother?”
“Will people judge us?”
“Will I bond with my child?”

Those fears are incredibly common. They’re also incredibly lonely. Many intended parents worry they’re the only ones asking these questions.

Many also quietly wonder whether they’ll feel like “real” parents after surrogacy. In my experience, that fear is almost always rooted in anticipation rather than reality. What often surprises intended parents is how quickly those questions fade once daily life becomes feeding, comforting, soothing, and loving their child. Parenthood isn’t defined by pregnancy. It’s built in thousands of ordinary moments of showing up for your child, day after day.

Often, intended parents are carrying not only the grief of infertility, but years of cultural messages about what parenthood is “supposed” to look like. One of the most meaningful parts of my work is helping them separate those outside expectations from what is truly right for their family.

Fear is hypothetical; a diaper change at 2 a.m. is very much not.

I could tell intended parents not to dwell on the hypothetical “what ifs,” but that’s a difficult message to embrace when “what ifs” are an inevitable part of the journey to parenthood—regardless of how your family is built. I could also tell you that much of that uncertainty fades once parenting becomes about the here and now, when it’s only been 90 minutes since the last feeding and you’re fairly certain you haven’t slept since 1985.

But I won’t.

Instead, I’ll extend an invitation: seek out community. Connect with people who have walked this road before you, who understand the grief of changing course, the fear of the unknown, and the hope that keeps you moving forward. Whatever your experience has been—or whatever lies ahead—you do not have to carry it alone. There is comfort in being understood, and there is strength in realizing that someone else has stood where you are now and found their way to the family they dreamed of.

Looking Back With Compassion

When I hear intended parents say they wish they had chosen surrogacy sooner, I never hear judgment. I hear compassion.

Compassion for the person they were while living through infertility.

A person making impossible decisions with the information, emotions, and hope they had at the time.
Looking back is always easier than living through it.

No one should blame themselves for taking time to arrive at surrogacy.

Grief doesn’t follow a timeline.

Neither does acceptance.

Sometimes people need time to let go of one version of their future before they can embrace another.

And that’s okay.

When a baby is born through surrogacy, three profound journeys reach a turning point. The surrogate‘s journey reflects the extraordinary gift she has given. The intended parents’ journey reaches the moment they can finally believe, This is really happening, while the long road of fertility treatments, appointments, procedures, and waiting begins to give way to a new chapter.
What may not end in that moment—and what should never be dismissed—is grief.

The joy of holding your baby does not erase the losses that came before. Grief can exist alongside gratitude, relief, and overwhelming happiness. It is not a sign that something is wrong; it is evidence of how much this journey has required of you.
Making room for both joy and grief is an act of self-compassion. It allows intended parents to honor every part of the road that brought them to the extraordinary moment when they finally hold their child in their arms.

If You’re Standing at That Crossroad

If you’re wondering whether surrogacy might be your next step, I want you to know this:

You don’t have to rush your decision.

You don’t have to pretend you’re not grieving.

And you don’t have to feel completely fearless before moving forward.

Fear doesn’t mean you’re making the wrong decision.

Often, it simply means you’re standing at the edge of one of the biggest decisions of your life.

My hope for every intended parent isn’t that they never experience uncertainty.

It’s that uncertainty doesn’t become the reason they spend years believing that surrogacy is something to fear instead of something to explore.

Because while every family’s story is unique, I’ve noticed something remarkable. The conversations at the beginning often sound like this:

“I’m scared.”
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
“This isn’t the path I imagined.”

But the conversations after a baby arrives sound very different.

They sound a little more like Tara Lipinski’s.

Not because the journey was easy.

Not because the grief disappeared overnight.

But because perspective has a way of changing once the child you’ve dreamed about is finally in your arms.

I’ve yet to meet a parent who wished they had loved their child less.

I have, however, met many who wished they had shown themselves more grace sooner.

Perhaps that’s the lesson I hope intended parents take away.

Not that there’s a perfect time to choose surrogacy.

But that there is no shame in considering a different path to the same dream.

Sometimes, the greatest regret isn’t choosing surrogacy.

It’s realizing how much fear delayed the hope that was waiting on the other side.

The goal isn’t to stop grieving the family you imagined. It’s to make room for the family that is still waiting for you.

Whether you’re exploring surrogacy as a path to parenthood or considering becoming a surrogate, you don’t have to navigate the journey alone.

ConceiveAbilities supports intended parents and surrogates with expert guidance, personalized care, and a community that understands every step of the process.