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Why Not Me

My Journey.

By Marie LovePublished 4 years ago 6 min read
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Its been 4 years since I first started IVF. In the beginning it was scary, embarrassing and just felt not normal. During the process my thoughts about it shifted to, amazed, happy, hopeful and joyful. Towards the end I became depressed, angry and confused. Today I am gracefully broken and ready to share my story with others who may be struggling with faith and hope or that may have lost the desire to keep going. My name is Gina Few. Marie Love is my FB name.

I remember how happy I was when I received the call that I was pregnant. It was like my whole life changed and I finally felt like I was here for a reason. I was overjoyed and spent every day praying for a miracle. I was happy. I was shocked. I was...pregnant! Really? After all those years, after all those set backs and then it happened. Is this real? This Was a question I would ask myself. It was real. Then it happened. My first ultrasound so I can graduate out of IVF and into OB-GYN. It was finally time to be “normal pregnant” no more IVF. Yes, I was ready. My husband and I walked into our appointment happy. Laughing, talking and speaking to the lovely staff. I was called in the room and got prepared for my ultrasound. My husband on my right side so he can see the screen. Here we go...we are going to see the baby. Usually the Ultrasound tech would talk to us and we would tell jokes or talk about our day. Today, while she was attending to my Ultrasound, she said nothing. I asked her is everything ok and she said for the first time, I’ll let the doctor talk to you. I felt fear rise up in my heart and I was instantly in tears. My husband was holding my hand and then she said said, I don’t hear a heartbeat. That’s all I heard. I remember jumping off the bed and screaming, I ran into the bathroom, my husband right behind me and I screamed out why not me!!!! Why can’t I have a baby. Why did you take my baby. What am I doing wrong! I was in so much pain. It was by far one of the worst days of my life.

The drive home was painful. Shame, embarrassment, anger, jealousy, sadness all smacked me in the face at once. I couldn’t think about nothing but the bad news. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt physically and mentally weak. My spirit was broken. I felt what true heartache felt like and I was broken. My husband was so attentive and made sure I was comfortable. I wanted to be alone, he wanted to lay with me and make sure I was ok. I was not ok. I felt unsafe. I felt unsure if I was going to make it until the morning. I didn’t know how to tell my closet people that I lost my joy, my baby. I was crushed and I didn’t want to exist.

I went to the bathroom while my husband slept and I laid on the bathroom floor and gave every tear to my floor. I asked God to take the pain because I couldn’t handle it. I cursed him, I yelled at him, I questioned him and then this feeling of rage cane over me. I got off the floor, looked in the mirror and for the first time in my life, I didn’t know who was looking back at me. That was the real fear. I screamed, not from pain but from fear. Who is that? I asked myself but didn’t realize I said it out loud. My husband ran in the bathroom and we both fell to the floor crying. I didn’t even realize that a bottle of pills were in my hand. My husband thought I took the pills. I believe I would have if he did not walk into the bathroom. I felt hopeless. Useless to my husband, to the world. I was broken.

Here I am today. Still no baby but I am free! I have learned how to accept my journey and sharing my story is what I believe Is my purpose. I want to help women going through the same thing. I want to encourage them and be someone that can help. Faith is so powerful. I hope to reach many women and possibly men. Infertility can be painful and draining but we can rise above it!

I try to tell myself that I am over it. I’m not going to worry or think about having a baby anymore. As easy as it sounds, it’s so hard. I work in an OBGYN office and although it has gotten easier to handle, in the beginning all I did was cry. Every time the nurses made a call to a patient and told her what she was having, I cried. I couldn’t escape it because we share a small office and a part of me wanted to use that pain to help me “get over it” but reality is, there really no real way of getting over it. I’m never going to have a cold of my own, face it, I tell myself. Deal with what is in front of you. I Keep reminding myself That I have been “like” a mother to so many people. But still, I cry.

Someone said to me, aren’t you happy you don’t have kids now. You don’t have to worry about schooling them from home or missing work. Although that is a stress I don’t have to deal with, no one would understand or believe me if I told them that I would do anything to be in your shoes. To have given birth to a miracle. To have someone look like you and carry some of your same traits. To feel a love that I could never explain. Yes, I would like to have a child now, even now, during the pandemic.

My husband tells me all the time, There is a plan for you babe, we have to trust the plan and be patient. I try! I just wish the plan could have consisted of me having at least one biological child.

I want to experience pregnancy, child birth and feelIng that many women talk about. That feeling when you scream out in pain and then when they put the baby on your chest, you forget all about that pain. I want that. Why am I this way? Why am I not special enough to have children. Why them? Why Not Me...

When you desire something so bad and that something never comes, you can easily lose a piece of you. Although I will Probably never be able to fill that void. I believe that There is a great plan for me. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop crying but I know for sure that I am loved! I am important. I am special, and I am...one of them.

I want my story to move you to keep going and if you don’t end up with what you desire, don’t give up. Something greater is coming your way. It’ll take time. It’ll take patience but most importantly it’ll take peace. Come to peace with whatever you are facing and tackle it head in. If it means you have to cry, cry. If it means you have to scream, scream. If it means taking alone time to collect your thoughts, do it. Whatever brings you peace while going through IVF, do it. Surround yourself with people that are going through or have gone through what you are. Talk to someone your trust. Don’t do this alone. You are important and you are the Miracle!

Until next time...

pregnancy
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