Why I Stayed

13 years ago, I fell in love, we fought, we did not see relationships the same way, he liked to go out drinking still. 12 years ago, we married and had our first child, a beautiful goofy little girl when he told me I would be a stay-at-home mom, this meant cooking, cleaning, and taking care of a newborn all by myself while battling lupus which he claimed I either did not actually have or I was exaggerating about how bad it was.

5 weeks later he did not come home from the bar with friends. I was at home alone with a newborn as usual and no friends because my life was supposed to be all about my child, and I was not allowed to have friends who were not his friends.

I told myself he would get it out of his system and grow up, we were still young.

The drinking got worse, if I for some reason did want to go out grocery shopping or for anything I had to hire a babysitter because it was not his “job to watch that kid.”

I told myself he was old-fashioned.

I spent a week with my cousins at their place in the middle of the swamp with no cell reception. “You are a horrible mother and wife for not calling at least 3 times a day.” I conceived the night I came home and when I told him 2 weeks later his response was “Is it mine, your cousin’s, or some other guy you met while you were there?”

I told myself he was just insecure.

When I knew I was miscarrying he said, “You probably were not even pregnant anyway.” When it was confirmed, he was thrilled; “we did not need another kid and I did not want any in the first place” knowing I could not take birth control and he refused to use protection.

I told myself he was hiding his pain and I should be watching my cycle better to prevent pregnancy.

When I had a flare that left me bedridden and incapable of doing any housework, he got mad because that was my job!

I told myself he was right and to stop being so lazy and try harder.

When I noticed he was on his phone every day when he got home from work; when I ask, he said it was just a friend. I looked at the phone bill and saw he called the same number every day after work and texted it almost all day during the day when he told me he could not use his phone. I asked him again and he told me, “You are a stupid, nosey bitch. I pay for that phone, and it is none of your business who I talk to. Stop being so jealous and insecure.”

I told myself he was right, and I should just trust him and stop being stupid and leave his stuff alone.

This pattern continued for years while we lived in a crappy 2 bedroom home driving a 2 door Honda. I asked to look at a slightly bigger house or just a larger vehicle so I could fit groceries and our daughter or so she would be safer. He told me I was “selfish, ungrateful, and should just be happy with what I was given because we could not afford it.”

I told myself he was right, and I should be more grateful that we did not have a mortgage, rent, or a car payment because he had all these purchased before our marriage.

I knew how much his paychecks were and began to wonder where our money went when he started yelling at me for spending $200 a month in groceries. I pulled up our bank statements and realized he was spending at least $500 a month at the bar not to mention what he was spending in cash and all the video games he was buying while my daughter was wearing cheap clothes or hand-me-downs. He told me to stay out of HIS account and that he made the money and could spend it any way he wanted, and I was an ungrateful bitch, as he walked out the door to go drink after a grueling day at work.

I told myself he was right, and it was not my place.

I became unexpectedly pregnant after being told I would be unable to conceive again due to my lupus. I was thrilled…. He snooped because I was in too good a mood and found the test. He was livid. “Who is the father you slut! Guess you got the kids YOU wanted but I am not raising someone else's baby!”

I told myself he was just shocked and insecure and would be ok later.

His friends who had become mine were planning a few trips, but I was not allowed to go unless I paid for it myself because he was not paying my way. I got a job but missed the first trip. I ended up loving my job and staying as it was only 8-12 hours a week at the time. He demanded to see my pay stub and found out I made more an hour than he did and demanded I quit. I refused so he quit his job which was 36-40 hours per week.

I increased my hours to 40 thankfully and supported us while he stayed home, and my daughters went to daycare. I was still expected to cook, clean, and take care of the kids when I got off work while he left for the bar. If the house wasn’t spotless, I heard what a lazy bitch I was and how horrible a wife I was.

I told myself I should try harder.

He came home drunk and pissed the house was not clean and he did not have any clean jeans to wear the next day. I apologized but I was exhausted and the baby was teething and clingy. “You lazy, useless, selfish bitch. You are the reason our marriage is falling apart. You are always mad or sad about something. You need to get help or I am done. I will be at Jeremy’s until you get your shit together.” And he left.

I told myself he was right and made an appointment to see my doctor who put me on Xanax and suggested I see a shrink.

3 months later Jeremy unexpectedly died. I had known him longer than my husband at the time and was devastated. “He said to stop crying he wasn’t really my friend.” Not remembering/caring I knew him since 8th grade. He had nowhere else to go and since I was seeing a doctor he came home.

I told myself I needed to make it work for my children, I needed to get better.

I started seeing a work-provided therapist twice a week over the phone. 6 months she told me it was not me, I have done nothing wrong, I was in an abusive relationship and we needed to go to counseling together or I needed to get out.

I did not believe her, I told myself it was all me!

1 year after our first separation we had a group trip to Vegas. I paid my own way and he backed out at the last minute and expected me to as well. I said no. He was livid, so I had my daughters stay with my parents while I was gone. He expected me to call or text him every 30 minutes to an hour during the day or he would call one of our friends to find me. They were already mad he backed out and now he was harassing me and not trusting me alone or with them. Seeing their anger, I knew I was not doing anything wrong. I had fun. I knew something was up with him as he was getting secretive about his phone again.

I had planned to get my second tattoo on the trip and he was livid. “Women with tattoos are trashing! If you get it we are done!”

Our last night in Vegas my Facebook messenger goes off and I see it is a REALLY old friend from Highschool I had lost touch with since I was not allowed to have any friends outside of his especially male friends. It was a picture of my husband at the bar very intimate with another woman who happened to be covered in tattoos!

I finally told myself, my therapist was RIGHT! I have done nothing wrong, HE is wrong, and I am DONE!

I thanked my friend and asked him to say nothing as I would need time to plan. I told our friends I would be back in a minute without telling them anything else. I walked down the strip to the tattoo shop and got a lotus put on my forearm.

It took him 2 WEEKS to notice the tattoo in the SUMMER! It was final knowledge that he did not notice or really care about me. I was working 50 hours a week to keep us afloat while he sat at home and had been unemployed for 2 years. I came home one night and told him I was tired and going to bed. He could make dinner or go get Dairy Queen. He woke me up a few hours later and said, “if this is how it is going to be I’m done.” I simply replied “There is the door, I have fought for the marriage for almost 8 years and you have done nothing. I am done!” He left, claiming to go to a friend’s when he was really at her place for 3 weeks. They got into a fight and he came home telling me “we are going to work this out and you will be the wife I DESERVE or get out of my house.” I picked option 2. I was homeless and carless since he had them before our marriage, but I was free! With the help of my family and my boss at work, I found a car I could afford, a cheap rental and I filed for divorce.

This is not the end of my story, It is the beginning of the best chapter and it is not even the whole story but I had to write it. I do not want pity or applause. I want other people to know how easy it is for them to convince us it is all our fault. How easy it is to blame ourselves for their abuse. I have PTSD from long-term emotional abuse and it took 6 months for my therapist and doctor to both convince me of it. Some people still do not believe me, some people believe his lies, but more and more are seeing him for who he is and I will not stay silent! I will not be a victim. I am raising my 2 girls (who he sees 15 mins every few months to keep up the façade that he isn’t a deadbeat) and I am ROCKING IT! I work 50 hours a week, raise my girls, working on my bachelor’s degree, and found an amazing man who loves me, supports me, encourages me, and reminds me every day that the demon voice of my ex inside my head is all lies because I cannot erase 12 years on abuse but I am slowly beating it. I am slowly becoming the woman I used to be.