When I started this blog, I only had one intention of blogging. My only reason for starting this blog was to write my feelings out. Ever since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, I had this idea of writing down how I feel every day because every day I would wake up with different moods. From the moment I knew what was postpartum depression is, I wanted to share everything with everyone who would understand what I was going through and maybe I will get someone who is going through the same thing as me and we share the same journey.
From the beginning, I didn't understand it better. I didn't know what was it. I was feeling this kind of a trigger and it set off some time once it hears a peep. I was feeling like a time bomb ready to blow up any time. If anything triggers me I will go off and not to anyone, just to myself and my kids. I was suffering slowly alone because I didn't have anyone to talk to, I still don't have anyone to talk to, to tell how I feel every day and exchange each other's emotions.
I directed my emotions and feelings towards my kids that I didn't realize that I was doing that to my kids. I didn't even realize that I was hurting really bad that I need someone who can trust I can share my thoughts with. Sometimes I feel like I am in my prison world that I need to be rescued.
Postpartum is a real thing that needs not to be ignored. Some people suffer from it slowly in silence. Some who are brave enough, share their thoughts and what they are thinking, all you need to do is act on it immediately and help that person. The most depressed people on earth are the happiest of them all. I can be laughing with you during the day, but at night is a nightmare for me because I know I am alone and I don't have anyone who understands me to listen to me.
Once when I tried to share my feelings and emotions with someone, they misjudged me and overlooked me like I was crazy. Let me tell you what it feels like when someone opens up themselves to you and you overlook them like they are crazy? I feel guilty and ashamed for opening up to you. I lose trust in you for trusting you in the first place to tell you that big secret like that. And it hurts for me to know that you don't even care to even to show a little compassion towards me during my difficult time.
Some people ending up committing suicide because they shared their secret they have been battling for a long time and when you end up not believing in them, it eats us inside out. So for us not to feel the shame of telling you because I have to see you every day, if I will choose to see you every day after sharing my secret and you not saying anything, I will choose death because that is the best option I got than seeing you every day for the rest of my life.
For a few weeks, I have been feeling okay about my depression. I wasn't having any pain, any emotions, or feelings whatsoever if that is what it is, but now I feel sad and I don't know what to do with these feelings at all. I am deeply hurt and I am feeling as if the ground will open wide and swallow me whole. I can't explain the way I am feeling, but I feel broken. I want to cry but I feel numb to crying and my pain. For as long as I can remember, I have been feeling numb like this where I don't shed a tear at all. I know I am numb to pain and I want to feel the pain, but I can't. Pain is what makes us who we are and without pain, we are just an empty vessels.
So the only I had was just writing my thoughts and feelings. When I got pregnant the second time, I didn't know that I was going to have postpartum depression. In the back of my mind, I knew I had everything under control. Even at the hospital where I delivered the baby, they tried to talk to me and I told them I don't think I will get it. That was self-comforting that I had to put on because I was tired of them. When I came home with the baby, a few months later and we were hit by a pandemic, my nightmare started because that's when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. That is when I decided to start a blog to write what my thoughts were telling me. And I am glad that I started this blog.