Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Divorce is mean. There’s no way around it. Even in amicable separations (which I was not fortunate enough to have), it feels like failure. Either you failed them, or they failed you. And when everyone is preaching to move on, when they do it’s heart wrenching.

I was only 18 when I got married. Yes, the cliche story of a pregnant 18 year old who got married to her high school sweetheart and big surprise: it didn’t work out. We had been together for four years when I got pregnant and had we been five years older, it would have been acceptable. But what do an 18 year old and a 21 year old know about marriage? Unfortunately, nothing. So it ended. We fought our way through the first two years of our son’s life and when we finally separated, we both ‘moved on’ VERY quickly.

Looking back now, it wasn’t healthy. I’m surprised either one of us built lasting relationships while we were in that state. But somehow we did, and it wasn’t long until he was bringing ‘some girl’ around my son. Personally, I adopted a rule of when to bring my son around anyone I dated, and that was typically no less than four months. But not his dad. She moved in to his one bedroom apartment sometime in the first few weeks. I was livid. What is wrong with him?! And what kind of woman would do this?! I mean, he only sees his son on the weekends and now because there’s only one bed, (and I know where my son ends up), I have to be the bad guy and not let him stay the night. Who does she think she is?! This was when I realized I hated her.

My ex is a very loyal person. He would do anything and sacrifice so much to please the person he is falling for. It was great when it was me, but it sucked when it wasn’t. And of course, that’s exactly what he did for her. She was insecure and scared and unsure. She had no children and was with a man who had an ex-wife and a two-year-old. So what did he do? He granted her every request when it came to me. He stopped answering the phone because ‘texting was more appropriate,’ translated: ‘my girlfriend wants to know everything we say.’ He refused to reply to me if he wasn’t home or around her. And man, was he a jerk for the fun of it. I was miserable and disgusted. How could he do this to me? Why can’t he just grow up for our son? I didn’t want to talk through her. She doesn’t need to know anything I say! This is OUR son, so it’s OUR responsibility. Of course, I would tell him how horrid she was or how I couldn’t stand his immature choices, which she would ultimately see and then call me to confront me about it. Things were bleak and volatile. Until they weren’t.

They got engaged two months after our divorce was final and married a few months later. I cried the day they got married. A couple weeks later my son came home and said he was going to be a brother. I cried again. Not from jealousy or regret, but because I realized she wasn’t going anywhere. Then, things took a drastic change, and to my surprise, for the better.

She changed. She apologized. She learned her place. I don’t think it’s something that anyone could have told her. She had to get there on her own. I mean, I know I wouldn’t take it well if my boyfriend’s ex wife told me how I was allowed to act around his child. So she read a couple of books and she stepped back. She told me that she realized that just because he loved me first doesn’t mean he loved me now and we all want the same thing: what’s best for the child.

Today we are friends. And I don’t say that lightly. I mean we are friends on Facebook, we text almost everyday and we confide in each other about things. I appreciate her to the ends of the Earth for all she does for my son. She loves him and she respects me as his mom. But it wasn’t all her. I had to make changes, too. I had to realize she wasn’t out to get me. She was doing right by my son from day one and that couldn’t be ignored. My ex went through a very hard time when we split and she helped him through that, which was one of the best things that could have ever happened to him and my son. And I am forever grateful that she came into our lives. That my ex could be happy. That my son could have another strong woman to help guide him. That I could have a friend. ♥️